I am beginning to believe that I have an invisible tattoo that only certain people can see, I think it says play with my head. I don't understand why I pull that kind of thing into my life because yes, I know that whatever I have in my life, I have drawn it there. So this definitely begs a thought as to why I would do this to myself time and time again. I don't have the answer right now but I am starting to investigate it, otherwise I will continue on the same path of self destruction.
I have been doing every thing that I can to cover the pain I am feeling right now but I know that I have to start feeling it to figure out how I'm going to change it. I have to do something about it if I am ever going to be truly happy. It feels good that I actually want to face my worst fear finally and I know I can grow from these experiences.
Besides I am truly blessed, I have two amazing daughters, and soon Andrea will be having a baby. I am content but I don't want to stay with just being content. I am going to make some changes and then make a long term goal. I am extremely lucky, I have a great job, a fantastic family and wonderful friends. I really need to remember those things when I don't get the one thing that I do want.
So, first things first, getting back on the weight loss wagon, then exercise, cleaning my house from top to bottom so that I can finally declutter and make my house look really nice and inviting. It will be wonderful when I do get it that way, it will be great to come home to order. I have been procrastinating about too many things lately. I'm not giving up on my ultimate dream, I deserve it! One day, things could all change.
I love blogging, it gives me time to express my feelings which I know are all over the place sometimes but it's just me. I feel very passionate about things and life but I also feel the opposite end of the spectrum is sadness and loneliness. I know, it's hard for most people to think I would feel lonely because I am so exuberant and friendly. But I get lonely too...