I Am Open To Love

I had a busy week like everyone else... it seems like time flies by quicker and quicker, first and foremost I am almost feeling 100% physically except for the feeling of having NO stamina. It feels like when I first started losing weight, I started out with 10-15 minute walks... I do have better speed than when I first began but I'm so far behind where I used to be. It's frustrating, however; I also know what I am capable of so all I have to do is start again... now if the weather would cooperate.

I have had one of those reflecting weeks, due to the fact that there were a numerous amount of blogs that I read that seemed to be about one theme... apparently something I needed to hear.  You know when you keep hearing the same thing, idea or thought... which then makes you question it? At first I didn't think much about it, however; the next one would come along, then another... by the fourth one I was no longer ignoring the message, I was thinking about it... 

It was about letting love into my life again, all I kept thinking was why? I even commented that I honestly didn't think love was worth it ultimately, at least not for me... I remember before 'him' I had been opened to love even though I had been hurt many times... I still believed it was possible. Then when it looked like everything was working out with us, I kept thinking this is why I had to go through all those bad relationships... It had all made sense... But when he and I didn't work out... I couldn't get to the point that I thought love was worth it again... 

How could it be? I would have to make sense of us not working out... and nothing made sense. It was then that I decided not to open up to anyone else, I still had him as a friend... I reasoned that was enough... at least I wouldn't have to be hurt again. Then the unthinkable happened, we stopped being friends... almost overnight. I questioned everything and I closed myself off then and there... I didn't even realize that I had done it, not right away... but as time went on, I understood that I did it to protect myself. I could not see how I would ever be able to handle another heart break... 

After a year or so, I thought I was ready to date... I went out with a few guys... no one special by any means, all very forgettable... I wasn't about to open up and give my heart to anyone and so I used the excuse that I was unable to meet anyone that I could feel excited about so I closed down even more. I had the right didn't I? I believed I did. Hadn't I been hurt even more than I thought possible? Why would I ever want to give anyone the chance to do that to me again?

I wrote about how I knew my worth and truthfully I do... also about how I thought I was ready to love again... deep down I didn't believe that, in my heart I knew I was unable to open it... I had been hurt many times in my life but that last one was so much more worse than I ever thought possible.... What I read this week reminded me that of course I am not the only one who has suffered heart ache, nor the only one who has been lied to... or betrayed. Knowing this I was aware that I could no longer use this as an excuse not to be open to love... 

I'm not looking for it but I'm not closing off to it either... I understand it may not happen and honestly I am okay either way... but I will be open to love... who knows...

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Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.

 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 

 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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Life Is About Doing And Not Portraying

I know it's been awhile since I have written, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, it has been a time issue. I have stepped up my exercise, this month I have over 133 miles logged so far... also, I spoke of strength training the last time I wrote, hopefully I will be starting that this week... I am working on getting together with the lady who will be giving me some pointers. The last thing I want to do is injure myself by doing it incorrectly, so I will be waiting before I start.

Also, my mood has changed a great deal in the past two weeks... it happened almost overnight... I'm not as melancholy as I have been, which isn't to say that I am overly joyous by any means either... I don't know how to even explain my mood... maybe it's come with all the exercising and focus I have put there, maybe I've come to a point of change finally... All I know is that I have not had any major lows but neither have I had any major highs... At the moment, this is what I need ... I have a lot of anniversary dates coming up that I was not sure how I was going to cope with... Today I feel like I will be able to deal with them... 

Since I last wrote, I was able to lose a little over 4 pounds which was great from all the hard work I have put in... I never want the numbers on the scale to rule me, as that is not what my journey is about... it is about becoming healthier and stronger. As I have stated before I will never be really tiny as I don't want to be, I want to be able to be the best me with exercising and eating nutritious food. I want to do what I say ... instead of saying things I wish and then not doing them. Too many people I know say they want to make changes and then never do anything about it, that was me in the past but I no longer want to be like this.

That is when real change happens, when we really decide that we are important enough to put in the effort and time. When I changed my mindset in June 2013, I didn't do it for a week, a month or a year... I changed if for a lifetime. I fail from time to time as I am human but there is a part of me that will and can never go back to the girl I was before I made it important to look after myself physically ... I am grateful that switch was turned on then because I think that if I had not made those changes then, that all the challenges that came not long after would have buried me. 

I have often wondered why I had to deal with all the loss I did... lately I have come to see that it ultimately made me stronger by not relying on others to show me my worth. It has been one of the most difficult lessons I have ever learned in my life but one that I needed to go through. There were so many times that I thought I was not going to make it, that the pain and grief would be too much to take. However; I am getting through each day and I see my own worth which no one can take from me.

I think the biggest lesson I learned these past two years was that no matter how hard someone tried to take me down, they didn't succeed... I was and am stronger than they or I ever thought I was... Although I wondered for a very long time how someone could be so hurtful and still seem to have all that they desired, I came to learn that it just looked like it... I want to live an authentic life, that means I don't want to pretend everything is perfect when it's not... we all have ups and downs and trying to portray anything different ultimately only hurts ourselves...Life is about doing and not portraying....

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Love Is Never Easy

Last week was my birthday week, I took two days off to have an extra long weekend. I didn't do a whole lot other then rest and walk whenever possible. We have this really great trail near where I live that I have come to love. I wish I had started using it earlier this year as there are only a few places I have to worry about crossing a road, it is quite level and it is beautiful. I will be using this as much as possible as it is quiet and very serene.

So, last week I explained that things did not work out between him and I as 'apparently' he has taken a job out West. I really didn't want to write about it because I knew that I was going to hear all the pat answers I didn't want to hear. It was inevitable since most of us are wired to want to say something/anything to make someone feel better. I want to address a few things here. 

First, I did not chase him or search for love, I was prepared to cancel the dating service I was on when he messaged me. I was intrigued as we had spoken at great length a couple of years ago. Second, I do love myself... I could not have said this a few years ago, I don't think wanting romantic love means that I don't love myself... Third, I think it is wonderful for people that enjoy being alone, let me say this, 'good for you'... I may have to be alone but that does not mean I am going to be thrilled about it, I would much rather share my life with someone who I love and who loves me. Fourth, I have a wonderful family and many good friends, unfortunately they don't always fill the void that craves romantic love... that doesn't mean I am not grateful for them.

The most important thing I wanted to say was in no way do I think love is easy. I know it's not perfect and simple to achieve... I know that no one has a perfect love where everything runs smoothly all the time. I also know that social media gives this illusion at times.... of course we as human beings don't want to post that things are not perfect, most of us don't want to do this because we don't want to be negative. Other people are insecure when they are over posting about how perfect the person that they are with is... the truth is, no one is perfect.

I am grateful that I didn't put him and I all over social media and only generically mentioned him in the blog. I think it would have been more difficult otherwise... Losing him was really nothing, I barely knew him, I didn't have time to have real feelings for him... what it did was make me build higher walls as I had started to trust again; it brought up old feelings and reminded me of how broken my heart was a few years ago... I thought I had come a long way and put that behind me, this showed me that maybe I am not quite ready yet.

For the time being I won't be dating and quite frankly as much as I want that great love in my life, it will have to wait... He will have to jump through hoops of fire to prove he is worthy of me... I give myself over to love completely when I love someone, the next time if it is to happen, the guy will have to go to great lengths to show me he is serious. I deserve absolutely nothing less... besides I know love is never easy but it's worth it...

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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A Man Who Knows My Worth

It has been another week of ups and downs... I guess that is what life is about, having ups and downs and seeing how we deal with them. I see where I could use some improvement, which is good... the past me would have been wondering why I had to deal with more challenges than I thought I was capable of handling? The me today wonders what I am supposed to be learning from them?

I haven't put my relationship out on social media and I don't plan to for a while but I can say I am dating someone, he is very nice, kind, honest and very good to me. Our challenge will be his job which takes him away for a week here, two weeks there... We still talk and text often while he is away, he is very transparent and open about what he wants. This will be up to me ultimately, what I can handle.

A little back story here about us, which I wanted to tell him first before I wrote it here... He and I were in contact about two years ago and trying to meet, before we could meet, he was transferred to another province which ended up lasting for nearly two years... we didn't talk again until a month ago when he came home and we found each other again. To say we were both extremely excited would be mild, we had a connection and we were thrilled that we were both still single.

I told him today that it really was a good thing that he had been transferred out a couple of years ago because although I was interested in him... I still was not over 'Him'... we probably would not have worked out back then as I was not ready to commit to anyone... I am actually grateful that I had that time to work through all my feelings for 'Him' so that I am ready to honestly look at being involved with someone else.

I won't have secrets from him, my life is pretty much an open book due to writing about it here and I am comfortable with that... I don't know what the future holds with us but for now it is fun, good and we are both happy to get to know each other. We have met of course and he is very sweet... we have to work a little harder to have and maintain a relationship due to his job. However; I think he is worth it and he tells me all the time I am worth the effort.

I like that, a man who knows my worth.... of course I had to know my own self worth first and once I learned that, everything else started falling into place...

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I'm Making Memories, Not Just Dreaming

 

What a week I've had ... I started it out on a low and ended it on a high. I was pretty frustrated with how I was feeling and how I couldn't seem to change it... This week was a learning and growing week for me.  I've been talking with a guy, somebody I talked to a couple of years ago. I won't be discussing him openly if and until this becomes something more, even then I won't be gushing about how lucky I am over social media.

I don't need a man to make me happy... of course I want someone special to spend my life with but I can guarantee he will have to put the work in to prove he's serious. I want a real commitment, I'm not a teenager, I won't be endlessly dating, nor do I plan to live with any man until he figures out what he wants. Why? Because I'm a girl that has finally learned that I will not accept less.

What brought me to this point? Friends and acquaintances who were posting about how lucky they were to have so and so or stating how so and so loved them and how blessed they were because of this... I actually sat back and thought what? You know what I thought when I read these things? I felt sad for these women who seemed to think they had to thank the men they were with for loving them... my personal thought was, how about loving themselves first?

I say this because I was there before... I remember how lucky I felt that 'he' wanted to date me, I was over the moon... wow... I thought so little of myself. Today I'm in a much different place ... I had my eyes opened in the past year. My wish is that we all remember our worth and stop gushing about how lucky we are to have a man. We all deserve love and finding/having love doesn't make us luckier... posting about it endlessly makes us sound insecure. 

My life is pretty full with Valentina, work, exercise, blogging... the list is long. Although I have not ruled out love, I have to tell you that the guy that wins my heart will have to be pretty special... I want an equal partner, one that sees how incredibly special I am too... I plan to make memories, not just dream about what I want in my life...

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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

 

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.

So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.

I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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Loving Myself Is The Answer

I read this quote on Instagram and I was completely touched by it. It reminded me of how many times I had removed 'jewels' from my crown so that a man would 'love me' ... instead of finding a man that was worthy of me, I had lowered myself more times than I care to remember. Over the years I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I still single? Especially when being married to someone I loved and who loved me was all that I wanted. 

I have never been the girl who wanted the big career, I have never been the girl that wanted fame and I have never been the girl that wanted excessive money... I have been the girl that wanted love. When it didn't happen over the years, I had began to think it must be me, something I was doing wrong... over the last year and a half, it came to me that I had been selling myself short with the men that I had dated. I had forgot my worth. 

I got less then I deserved because I had expected it, in my mind I didn't deserve much more... all of this came after I had lost 'him' as my best friend... because at one time I had thought I was SO lucky to have 'him'... I neglected to remember that 'he' was lucky to have me. When 'he' stopped being friends with me due to a misunderstanding that I was not given a chance to explain, I ended up falling into a depression... this was when my eyes and my heart started to open more. 

I begin to see how I had thought I deserved so little over my life and this was why I had so little... what you expect is what you get... I remember a night 'he' and I were talking before 'he' came home and I was so excited and I told him I deserved 'him'... he stopped me that night and said, did I ever think it was 'him' that deserved me?... I was touched by what he had said but I didn't believe it for a very long time. 

What we both neglected to remember was that love isn't about deserving one another, love is about loving ourselves first and giving the best of ourselves to the other person. I now know that I had not loved myself enough and because I didn't I was not able to truly love anyone else enough. I had lived with fear that I was going to be alone, since I couldn't love myself, how could anyone else love me either. 

Although I may not find the love of my life, I now know more than ever that I want nothing less ... especially since I am willing to give my all to the right person if they were to come along. I never thought I would write this or more I never thought I would believe this... but I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't truly love me... I love myself enough to never settle for someone just because I think I deserve some kind of love. 

The truth is we all deserve love, the question is do we know that loving ourselves is really the answer?

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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Conquering The Pitfalls With Love

I wanted to write about how I'm handling the food part of my life with having to fit in sleep, exercise, work, family, friends, cleaning, relax time... It is not easy to juggle this ALL the time. I am one of the lucky ones when it comes to food, I LOVE healthy food, if I could afford to eat a large salad twice a day, I would but I only eat it once a day. Even though I adore healthy food, there are still pitfalls, I have times I just want a different flavor.

That does not mean I will fall into my old habits because I may go up and down 10 pounds or so, from time to time. Because I really 'got' it a year ago when I changed my life and my eating habits; I don't feel the desire to eat those foods all the time like I used to, I may eat them once every six months or so.

The other thing is that I love myself at the weight I am, even if I gained weight, I'd love myself, my worth is not tied up in my weight. The weight loss and exercise is to be healthy, I was completely out of shape... I was 49 years old and I was 90 or so pounds over weight. I didn't like where my life was... I think it was when I lost 25 pounds when it hit me that I didn't have to lose another pound to love myself and to know my worth. I wanted to continue to lose the weight to get healthier.

 

I could feel the change in me with all the exercise and the discipline I had grown to have over myself, it was because I loved myself and I had other people rooting me along. If I had a fall which I have from time to time... maintaining is one of the hardest things to do, losing the weight was far easier. When I have a hiccup from time to time, I don't berate myself because I am human and I slip up, I am not perfect.

The thing I most appreciate and love about my friends and readers is that you are supportive, understanding and you encourage me. I am really grateful for that, I wish that we could all have that support system.... let's all be each others support system, cheering each other on and helping each other up when we fall.  Coming here, writing my thoughts in the blog helps to remind me why I am so committed to eating healthy and exercising. I am important enough to make the effort and so are you.

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