I Am Me... I Am Not You...

I just had to sit down and write this immediately, I rarely write one post after another and if I do... I usually post it the next day.  I wanted to write this now and post it right away.. I know that I talk about my David... a lot... he is my best friend.  I need to give a little background to my family dynamics for any of you to understand what I am about to say.  My mother loved my father and only him all of her life pretty well, from the time she was 24 years old, even though my father did not treat my mother good... (he cheated on her) she still loved him and gave him many second/third and forth chances...

It never worked out for them, which I find truly sad for my mother.  I was on this same path many years ago when I fell in love with Tony... it took me 23 years to get him out of my heart, he is not there anymore... if he were to message me, call me... contact me in anyway... I would politely tell him to get over it.  I have NO desire to be with him, nor do I want to be friends with him.. He was a cheater and not only did he cheat on me, he cheated with me after we separated.  I was only able to end it when he was so callous with me about Andrey raping me. I at least ended that relationship completely.

Both of my sisters had loves that they could not forget from their teenage years, Shelly moved on quicker than Lisa but both have have moved on... not to mention my grandmother who divorced my grandfather when my dad was quite young, yet she held a torch for my grandfather until the day she died... never really loving another man.

There's the background... both of my sisters have been after me to get David out of my life... here is my answer to both of them and anyone else who cares to hear it... I did not fall in love with David when we were teenagers... I liked him, I thought he was sweet... I never forgot him because he was one of the kindest boys I have ever met in my life.  We never dated, we didn't even kiss until December 14, 2011... I fell in love with him when he was man.. at the age of 47... not before, I didn't truly even know him before then... besides, he was in a relationship and I never thought or dreamt that there would be anything between us.  See my post, My One And Only.

I did not hold a torch for him over the years, I did not dream about us being together... it was not on my radar... He flirted with me for months and I never caught on... because I never in my life even thought it was a possibility... we were friends... that was it.. My relationship with David is not what my grandmother, mother or sisters had... I had that with Tony.. that's gone.

David is kind, sweet, respectful, loving... he is my best friend.  Sure I get upset that he and I did not make it romantically... we went too fast after he had separated with his nasty ex.  I cannot divulge all the horrible things that she did to him, suffice to say she is one lucky woman that I am a Christian, otherwise I would literally punch her in the face.  However; I am a Christian and I am a woman... so I don't.

Do I think David is perfect?  NO... not a all, yes I had him on a pedestal when we were first together... that was wrong of me... he never asked to be put there, he is just a man, a good man... a good father... he tries to be the best and most honest person he can be... There is nothing wrong with that... I don't want people thinking poorly of him because of me... he did not set out to hurt me, he loves me... he was sad that he hurt me, it broke his heart.

My David has not lied to me, he always tells me the truth... he cares very much about me, he knows I love him... he wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy... even if it is not with me.  Yes that would be hard for me but I love David, truly love him and I want nothing but happiness for him... that is what true love is about for me... I thought very long and hard about ending it with us as I wrote about this the other night, I even had a letter written and a blog post... when it came down to it, I knew I couldn't do it, cutting him out would have done nothing but broken my heart for good.

I am not holding a torch for David and waiting around for him to come to his senses... I am not living in a dream world or LuLu land as people refer to me.  I am living in the here and now, my David is moving on but he is not moving away from being my best friend.  He knows that I love him... it's not a big secret, he reads my blog, it is all over my blog.  Someone would have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to know, he is none of these.

I am sorry, I just get so frustrated when people tear him apart... I know it comes from me being sad about us not being together...  I understand that part but when someone, anyone says to me... I have been holding on to him for close to 35 years... I am here to tell you, that's not true, I fell in love with him 2 years ago, when I got to know him more closely and realized he was just as kind, gentle and wonderful as I thought he was when he was 15.

My David is coming home for in December, I have no illusions about him and I... we are going to hang out, go for dinner, watch a movie... all the friend things... I won't lie, I wish madly that it was different but it's not and I have come to terms with that.  I am sure I will cry about this in the future, I would not be me if I didn't but each time, it gets a little easier... I don't date, nor do I want to date as I would only hurt someone else... no one deserves that... I am really fine with not dating.  I am much too busy with other activities in my life, I have no time, nor do I have the heart to put it out there again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Expand Your Thoughts, Which Will Expand Your World

"We lift ourselves by our thoughts. We climb upon our vision of ourselves. If you want to enlarge your life, you must first enlarge your thought of it and of yourself. Hold the ideal of yourself as you long to be, always everywhere." ~ Orison Swett Marden

For too many years of my life I've limited myself to my small world having a difficult time believing I could expand my world.  I held on to hope though, through my tenacity.

What do some people do that don't have hope?  How hard that must be to get up each day and move forward when you are sure there is nothing better.  The past 10 months have been tumultuous but through it all I truly believed there would be a light.

The light came faintly, enough so that I continue to hold on until it will be a massively bright light.   I am NOT my circumstances, I am not my disappointments, I am not my losses.  I am blessed, I am grateful, I am a good mama, I am lovable, I am kind, I am deserving, I am strong...  The positive I am's are going on daily.

I talked to my sister Shelly last night, she hadn't read my post about her, she asked for the link and she said I made her cry, she also said it was the nicest thing anyone ever wrote about her. I told her that she deserved it, she's a survivor, she did not let her circumstances keep her down.

She also marveled that the three of us, Lisa, her and I have raised 7 wonderful children between us who are kind, loving individuals who are even doing better than us.  I think that's because we put into our children what we missed.  Also, even though our parents lacked the tools to be good parents due to the way they were raised themselves, we knew that they did love us.  They just didn't have the ability to give us what we needed and they didn't know how to learn it.

The three of us, worked hard to figure out what we needed to do to give our children what they needed and even though we didn't always succeed... we were there for our children.  Now we see our children accomplishing even more than we have, which makes each of us very happy. 

 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Sister Lisa

My sister Lisa is three years younger than me, we weren't super close growing up as she and my sister Shelly were closer in age but as we grew older we did become close.  She was only two years old when my mother and father separated and my father introduced the monster Ruth that would be our horrible nightmare of a step mother for years.

Lisa took a lot of the abuse when she was little since she was the one left at home while Shelly and I went to school.  Ruth was terrible to her, making her sit at the kitchen table for hours, forcing her to eat food she didn't like, even shoving it down her throat.  Years later, I heard of how Ruth beat her on many occasions, even having her stand in a closet for hours.

Finally when my father could no longer be blind what was going on as my sister Shelly spelled it out to him when she was 14, he finally left.  Lisa was afraid, she didn't believe that he wouldn't go back to Ruth so she refused to leave.  My father who was weak, didn't fight it... all of us should have forced  her to go, I think that Shelly and I were afraid ourselves but we were older, I knew without a doubt that I would NEVER go back even if dad did.

I always felt my sister Lisa was and is a good mom, she set boundaries when her children were little and stuck to it, I was weak and gave in.  So when I separated from Andrey finally, my sister and I decided to move in together, she was there for me and Valentina.  She was the best auntie Valentina could have asked for, she changed her life around to make mine better.  I worked late and couldn't afford to have someone pick up Valya and of course I couldn't pick her up myself.

Lisa did this for Valentina, she picked her up each day from daycare, then she would prepare dinner for her and have her dressed in her jammies before I got home from work.  When I was weak and couldn't set a bed time, she took over and helped me to get her into bed at a set time.  To this day, my Valentina goes to bed by 8:00-8:30.

My sister has tried to live her life authentically and I see her never giving up, she loves her children and her grandson.  She never judges her family or friends for the choices they make, she stands by them no matter what.  I know that my little Valentina will always have her aunt to be there for her in her time of need when she becomes a teen.

I pray for my sister daily, she has dealt with so much and you know what she said to me recently?  She told me of all of us that I deserved to be happy and finally have that happy ending.  I think we all deserve that after the life we have lead.  We came through horrific circumstances and we all survived and bettered ourselves when we could have just given up.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield