Making Room For My New Life

We had a long weekend here in Canada, I was excited as I planned to sleep in a couple of the days... of course that didn't happen, however; I did get a lot of things done that I had on my list. I had a couple of ladies I know come to my home early this evening and we cleaned out my office, preparing for me to work from home in the near future. It is amazing how much stuff we hold on to... I found things I had not seen since I moved in here almost 8 years ago... I purged so much of it, it felt wonderful.  My motto is if I have not used it in the last 6 months, it is going. 

I am working on that with Valentina too... she tends to hold onto stuff and it just clutters her room. I know many people will say to me it is her room and I just need to close the door... she will learn to pick up after herself. Unfortunately that is not how it works with her, her room gets out of control and then she tends to leave it in many parts of the house. She went swimming today with a friend and she needed her lock, we had to go through all the bags she has and we found it with many of the other items she was missing...  I told her that her room is next on the list and that she really needs to think about what is important. 

Frankly if it is important, you will take care of it, you will know were it is... it will not be at the bottom of closet or in a bag with garbage in it... When I decided that working from home is very important to me, I knew I had to do whatever possible to make it happen. At first I believed it was moving to a new place but once I found out that Valentina will be needing braces for a few years I had to rethink what I actually needed. I still wanted to work from home and a way was suggested, I decided then and there to make it happen, not wait until I was given the green light... 

I think waiting would have meant stressing myself out at the last minute... I have become comfortable with my bed in the living room and by staying here, I have been forced to rid my house of unnecessary items... so I realized I never had to move, I had to change my thought patterns thinking that I needed more. Having more wouldn't have made me happy... Can you imagine if I had found the place, moved in and then found out about Valentina's teeth?... everything happens for a reason.  I needed to see that I had enough... more than enough. 

I'm content with where I am right now, I can see that it will be much less stress that I stay here... it is close to the grocery store, the dentist, the beautiful walking trail, major malls... I am able to walk to many of these places. I am looking forward to making it happen as soon as possible... Hopefully before the summer is over, I don't want to travel another winter and I want to be home for Valentina... sometimes we need to make concessions to have what we really need... 

I remember reading many years ago that if you want something in your life, you need to make room for it... that is why I decided to get prepared for this change in my life... This made me think about how I have cluttered other parts of my life so that I don't have room for change... It is time for me really think about what is important and what I can and cannot live with out, only then I will be able to make the room for what I really need in my life. 

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How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 

 

I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  

Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 

I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.

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Overcoming Trials With New Dreams

I never have a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and the words pour out of me, then I go back and fix up thoughts, add or delete things... this last week zapped my thoughts. It seemed like there had been one thing after another bringing me down.

First I'm overwhelmed at work, there is a great deal of changes happening... not all good, it's causing me a great deal of anxiety. Second I was walking and near the third mile I suddenly felt a pain... I thought all I would need to do was keep persevering ... then I injured it more. Third, with all the stress I've been out of control with my food.

I'm totally frustrated that everything seems like it is out of control... for the longest I time felt gratitude that I was able to exercise... I was feeling stronger and in control of my health. I kept thinking that no matter how many challenges or trials I have, I could walk the stress off. Then I injured myself and I am trying to figure out another way to de-stress, instead I am feeling completely overwhelmed... I hear myself saying Why me? Haven't I had enough challenges? Where is my break?

Then I feel guilty for thinking this way when I know there are many people without a job that would be grateful to have mine... there are people unable to walk, let alone exercise... and there are people going through bigger challenges than I am. Yet I felt despondent with having one stressful thing after another this past couple of weeks. I don't enjoy feeling this way. So, I started reading older blog posts that I had written and saw how far I have come, how much I've changed.

Although I don't feel excited about any of the trials I have, I do have hope that if I can get through ten years of child abuse, being a young single mother at eighteen, an emotionally abusive marriage, then being raped by Andrey... and losing David as my very best friend...

Surely I can deal with a stressful job, a physical injury and having to change the dreams I had for myself to different dreams. That's what life is about, making new and better dreams by overcoming trials...

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Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.

I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.

I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 

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Panic Attacks?

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I'm not sure what is wrong... I have had three panic attacks in less than a week.. I might have had three panic attacks in my whole life before that...

The first one came on the day of David's surgery... I can understand this one, my David was not able to text me for a little over eight hours after the surgery and I was scared that something had happened while he was under... but when he messaged me I relaxed, I thought that was the end of it...

Friday rolled around and I had one at work, I thought I was going to have to leave... I even started to cry. Thankfully it wasn't busy and I was able get my breathing back under control. I wondered why I had one again, David was fine, we had talked the night before. I was actually happy and relaxed.

The third one happened Saturday night in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4 am and I was having one in a dream that I continued with when I woke up.. I did not actually go back to sleep... I dozed... I get up at a decent hour and prepared myself to go to church, I was all dressed and ready to leave when I went to the washroom and the toilet overflowed... that was it for me, I crawled back in bed...  All day Sunday I laid in bed, not wanting to move, wondering if another panic attack would hit.

I did finally relax enough to get up, I took Valentina to a friends house so that I could go for a long walk.  I thought it would be good to get some of the energy out, which I hoped would really help me relax enough to sleep... Especially since I had been unable to get any exercise the previous two days due to the weather... I was ready for sleep Sunday night.. I laid there and hoped I could get through the night without another panic attack. There's nothing really stressing in my life... nothing more than usual. Something must be weighing on my mind that maybe I'm not aware of? I would rather deal with it head on than deal with it this way, where it paralyzes me.

Unfortunately if I don't know what it is that is causing it... I can't really deal with it... which makes me want to figure it out as quickly as I can, so that it won't cause anymore debilitating incidences. I can't keep having them and not try to figure out what is bringing them on... I don't want them to become daily occurrences. Luckily I didn't have another one last night but I did wake up at 3 am and I was unable to fall back to sleep, which will make for a very long day.

Also, just a quick update on my weight loss journey, on my 13th week, I was down a total of 42 pounds and still going down. I still weigh in on Friday's at work as I like to get weighed on the same scale to see my weight loss from the beginning. I also get weighed in on Monday mornings on my own scale as my sister and I are still on the journey to see who will lose 10% of their body weight first and we started on a holiday when I was unable to weigh in at work.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Finding A Way To Release Stress

Friday was a bit better, I only became weepy a few times throughout the day, until I went to bed.  Than I sobbed for almost a half hour but I finally fell asleep.  Work kept me busy for a great deal of the day.  Thank goodness, I needed the diversion; I just wish work wasn't so stressful, I need one part of my life that is calm.

I felt like screaming yesterday and today, at the top of my lungs. I want to go into a forest or climb a mountain just so I could scream.  Instead I held it in, it's probably why I ended up sobbing last night.  My body and soul needs to release all my pent up emotions.

I just think I need to run, that would help me to get rid of some tension.  I really hope my leg is healed enough soon so that I can finally start.  I'm really looking forward to it, I think it will be a great time for me to just be with me.  When I am running, I will only be able to focus on my running and my breathing.  

I really miss living downtown Halifax, even though I don't live that far away from it (maybe 15 minute drive - hour walk).  It's still difficult when I don't drive, I want to join a yoga class and everyone of them are way out of my way.  I either need to find someone to go with or I will have to look into taking lessons on line.  I would prefer to go into a group atmosphere as I am held way more accountable.  Maybe I can find a couple of people to come to my house and take it on line with me.  I am going to check with my friends.

Have a great day everyone, I am going out to enjoy the sun!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield