Self Care Is Self Love

I have been putting off blogging all weekend, not because I didn't want to write but because I was trying to get my words out to say what I wanted to say... I have been overwhelmed with blogging lately and not by writing as I only write once a week at the most, it is all I have time for... but because I feel this need to constantly keep up with everyone else's blog, even at the expense of me writing my own. I even wondered if I should stop writing? Yet, I know that writing is what helps me to figure out issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, I came to admit to myself that I am a people pleaser... 

I thought I was past that, I thought I had grown from that.... However; a few of the comments I receive and I stress a few of them are not genuine, they haven't read my entry, they just write a generic comment so that I will visit their blog and comment back....which I have been doing, now saying all this, I love comments, honest, real and open ones where I get to know the person. I have decided that if someone is not taking a moment to actually read the words I write, I won't be publishing the comments any longer. I honestly don't want to waste my time when I could be reading someones words who appreciate that I actually took the time to write. 

I have decided that I have to give myself a break and I will not be able to comment on every single blog I read, it's not realistic for me anymore as I follow an incredible amount of blogs, even I don't know how many... I read a blog this week that kind of opened my eyes, she was pretty honest about her addictions and it made me think about mine... I am always trying to be the perfect blogger, keeping up with everyone, not wanting to let anyone down... Instead, I am letting myself down, I talk about self care here all the time and basically they have just become words, I haven't been practicing. 

This is no ones fault but mine, I need to set boundaries for myself and know that the people that I follow, the ones who really care about me will be there, frankly those are the only people that matter to me in the blogging world. Of course I want my blog to grow in readership but if I rarely write how will it grow more?  ... I am not giving up reading or commenting but I am going to be taking time for myself to read a book, actually visit a friend without my phone turned on... play some board games with Valentina.. 

I have this bucket list of things I want to do and more often then not I sit in front of a computer or with my phone in my hand. That quote above says it all, we are connected to people all over the world through technology and it is awesome, I love it, at the same time though, I find I am not as connected to the people around me. If that makes any sense? I make time for blogging and I don't make time to do other things that entail my making an effort in my own life. You know what that is, that is ignoring the issues I have and covering it up with blogging because it's easier. 

This weekend showed me that I have let everything around me go... on Saturday I didn't even get dressed until I caught up reading, then it was almost five o'clock before I went to get groceries... I followed that with laundry until midnight... oh and in between I commented and read blogs. That is an addiction I use so that I can let everything else slide in my life. Today, I figured out why... if I don't have time to think, I don't have deal with my feelings... I have to deal with my feelings and I need to let go of trying to be the perfect blogger... that doesn't exist. . . Self care is self love....

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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