I Can't Fix It On My Own...

Hi everybody, I know it's been a long time... truthfully I wanted to write sooner and many more times than I can even say. I have been dealing with a lot of items. First, I am still not working from home but it is looking like it will happen in the near future. There were many changes at work which slowed me down from working at home but it seems to be on course now. Second, I have been trying to come to terms with the election in the USA... it has thrown me for a major loop. (I know many will have their own views on this and I appreciate there are differences. I don't want to discuss my politics here... I just wanted to explain my long absence) Third, my depression has been front and center with weight gain, lack of sleep and generally trying to focus. 

Saying all this, I realized that I really needed to write, I have missed everyone. I often wanted to check in with your blogs but because I follow so many, I couldn't pick and choose and I knew I couldn't handle reading all of them. This week I plan to take a little time each day to visit each and every one of you. I am truly grateful for so many of you who reached out to me through Instagram, Twitter, FaceBook, Email and of course here on my blog. All of them touched my heart to know I was missed and that so many people cared about me, thank you.

What did I learn from my time off, a lot... I was overwhelmed when I just decided one day to take some time, which stretched on and on. I felt as if I couldn't just come here and write and not interact with all of you and that wasn't something I could handle at the time. Lately, I knew I wanted to write, I needed to get my feelings out so that I could find ways to deal with emotions and trials I have right now. By not writing, I made things more difficult for myself...

 

For the past six weeks, I have tried to cope with emotions past and present... This is a really tough time of the year for me, I was reading through my blog posts, I could see this  pattern happening over and over... I have to find a way to make this time of the year good and fun again. It has been a long time since I have truly looked forward to it... I do the things I need to do but my heart isn't in it, it has not been for a very long time.

I don't think I have dealt with the core issue, if I had, I would not keep coming back to them over and over. When I was exercising I could hide my feelings there but once I hurt myself I had nowhere to hide anymore. I can tell you this, it sucks having to deal with emotions that I just want to go away. They never go away though, they will just compound until I face them.

 

I have a new friend, which I have needed for a very long time... she and I hang out regularly and talk a lot. While talking with her I understood I needed to write and also once I am working from home, I will find someone to talk with, to see if they have other solutions I could use to finally face the core emotions. Doing this on my own isn't working for me anymore... maybe that's the first step I have to take to make the changes ... admit I can't fix it on my own...

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Writing For The Love Of It

I had a friend reach out to me last week, telling me they wanted to start a blog and they wanted to know how to make it successful... isn't that what many blog writers would like to know?  For me when I started writing my blog nearly 7 years ago, I never did it to be successful... I did it to give myself a voice and because I have always wanted to write. It gave me a platform to write my feelings, at first very few people read my blog and I rarely read other blogs myself.  

I was quite sporadic when I first started, sometimes I would write once or twice a week and then sometimes not for a month or more. Then when things didn't work out with 'him' and I in early 2012, I started pouring my heart out daily... It was about this time that I started following other bloggers ... I found many and I also found people who were writing only to become successful and make money off their blog. Many of those people no longer write as blogging isn't a simple way to make money by any means. 

So, I told my friend that I think being successful with blogging means writing about what you love and what you know... also it is very important that you support other people. It takes a long time to build up readers, it comes from supporting each other and doing this with genuine comments. Believe me as time has gone on, I started moderating my comments so that I can stop the ones that aren't meaningful and that are only looking for you to visit them. 

I personally don't think this is a way to be successful as I have seen many of those bloggers stop writing... For myself I know I have read a blog where someone poured their hearts out and when I went to respond I was shocked with some of the generic comments that showed they never even bothered to read the content.  My question then is why blog?

So, I told my friend that if they really wanted to write, by all means write... I know it has helped me grow in many ways... I often cringe at some of the early entries I wrote but I don't delete them as it is where I was and I learned each step of the way... I also told them not to expect instant success as it would be a great deal of work and interaction. I feel like I have made friends by really interacting with other writers, often through other social media. I enjoy that aspect of blogging, as I get to know people better. 

 

The main point I tried to get across to my friend was that they should write about what they love... it will resonate with their readers. Otherwise they won't enjoy the process and it will just become a duty and not a love...  I know that one way to be successful is to write a certain amount of times per week, I think it is great when people can be so disciplined... I write when the mood strikes me, it is usually once a week or less.  I don't want to write, just to say that I did... I love writing and I want to keep it that way.

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Self Care Is Self Love

I have been putting off blogging all weekend, not because I didn't want to write but because I was trying to get my words out to say what I wanted to say... I have been overwhelmed with blogging lately and not by writing as I only write once a week at the most, it is all I have time for... but because I feel this need to constantly keep up with everyone else's blog, even at the expense of me writing my own. I even wondered if I should stop writing? Yet, I know that writing is what helps me to figure out issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, I came to admit to myself that I am a people pleaser... 

I thought I was past that, I thought I had grown from that.... However; a few of the comments I receive and I stress a few of them are not genuine, they haven't read my entry, they just write a generic comment so that I will visit their blog and comment back....which I have been doing, now saying all this, I love comments, honest, real and open ones where I get to know the person. I have decided that if someone is not taking a moment to actually read the words I write, I won't be publishing the comments any longer. I honestly don't want to waste my time when I could be reading someones words who appreciate that I actually took the time to write. 

I have decided that I have to give myself a break and I will not be able to comment on every single blog I read, it's not realistic for me anymore as I follow an incredible amount of blogs, even I don't know how many... I read a blog this week that kind of opened my eyes, she was pretty honest about her addictions and it made me think about mine... I am always trying to be the perfect blogger, keeping up with everyone, not wanting to let anyone down... Instead, I am letting myself down, I talk about self care here all the time and basically they have just become words, I haven't been practicing. 

This is no ones fault but mine, I need to set boundaries for myself and know that the people that I follow, the ones who really care about me will be there, frankly those are the only people that matter to me in the blogging world. Of course I want my blog to grow in readership but if I rarely write how will it grow more?  ... I am not giving up reading or commenting but I am going to be taking time for myself to read a book, actually visit a friend without my phone turned on... play some board games with Valentina.. 

I have this bucket list of things I want to do and more often then not I sit in front of a computer or with my phone in my hand. That quote above says it all, we are connected to people all over the world through technology and it is awesome, I love it, at the same time though, I find I am not as connected to the people around me. If that makes any sense? I make time for blogging and I don't make time to do other things that entail my making an effort in my own life. You know what that is, that is ignoring the issues I have and covering it up with blogging because it's easier. 

This weekend showed me that I have let everything around me go... on Saturday I didn't even get dressed until I caught up reading, then it was almost five o'clock before I went to get groceries... I followed that with laundry until midnight... oh and in between I commented and read blogs. That is an addiction I use so that I can let everything else slide in my life. Today, I figured out why... if I don't have time to think, I don't have deal with my feelings... I have to deal with my feelings and I need to let go of trying to be the perfect blogger... that doesn't exist. . . Self care is self love....

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The Past Is Just That, The Past

I've been thinking a great deal about how my life is going to change drastically in the next six months. This week is going to be a good time to clear my mind of things that are not important... I will have to be organized if I plan to be successful with school, there will be a great deal of study time needed. The accounting course doesn't start until September ... so I will have two courses overlap for about three months.  What I am going to do is work ahead with the first one so that I can have enough time to do other things like walking, writing and reading blogs. Not to mention I am a mama first... I have a lot of juggling and organizing to do to get ready.  

I wanted to let you all know I'm still very determined to give my best and being healthy is very important to me. I think sometimes we lose ourselves while giving so much of ourselves to others.... I got my voice back after Andrey had tried to control my every move, that was when I finally stood up and didn't allow him or others to control me any longer.  I have always been centered when I want something...  this time was different for me, I was even more determined than normal.

A year ago, I took my life back and changed it by 180 degrees, I got into an exercise routine and ate as healthy as possible... I didn't even let my 50th birthday be an excuse to eat how I would have in the past.  I didn't feel deprived, I felt as if I was working on becoming and staying physically healthy ... So, I wondered what had changed that feeling about a month or so ago.. where was the drive I had?  Tonight I came home, dropped my bags and then instantly changed my clothing and left to take a good long walk.  

It felt like old times, I felt great putting forth the energy to walk/jog a 5k again... I am hoping the weather cooperates with me while Valentina is away so that I can get a 5k in everyday.  I really liked walking in the morning ... that has not been so easy to get back to... I know that I have to make the decision and just do it, otherwise I will come up with excuse after excuse.. and the truth is, I am no longer a girl with excuses... I am a girl who is more than willing to change and put forth any effort to never go back to who I was in the past. 

I am not my past and I shouldn't be judged on it... no one should... especially when the work has been put in to make the changes. The past is just that, the past.

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No More What If's

This weekend has been a busy one, my oldest Andrea is home for a visit. My nephew got married so she came up for that and stayed a few days for a visit.  She was only able to come by herself, we had a good time though... we went to the wedding together, which was beautiful, then I cooked tacos for her on Saturday, like old times and then yesterday we went shopping for a new pair of Nike's for Jackson.

Anyhow, this is why I have been absent from reading and answering blogs, she is flying home early tomorrow morning and then it is back to work for me.  I am hoping to go to the fireworks tonight, as long as the weather holds up.  Then the following week Valentina will be going camping for 6 days and I will be on my own.  I plan to get back into walking as much as I can, I will be able to just go when I feel like it.

I read a blog a few days ago and it was incredible, it kept asking the question What If? to the many different instances in the writers life.  I commented that I had to put the what if's away, the what if's were pulling me down, not allowing me to move forward. It had been a very long road to get to that point and the thought of allowing the what if's to take me back there, would only have me going backwards and I want to live in the present. 

When I stopped living with the questions of what if's? I started moving forward... Is it still sad sometimes? Yes... in can be, but I wanted more than the what if's? I want what I deserve too, a good, honest and kind man... one that sees how wonderful and committed I am.

I am going to be very busy taking 2 courses at the same time, plus being a mama, working full time and exercising.  I need to get these by the end of the year, I am going to give it my best to complete both of them. Then I can have my PCP and run payroll anywhere in Canada.  I will be catching up with you as much as I can, I will have a ton of homework... but I will need a little down time, so reading will be a must ... I will comment as often as possible.  Of course if you comment on my blog I will definitely reciprocate.

The reason I am putting all the effort I can into getting my CPA is that I don't want to look back a year from now and say I wish I had completed those courses. I have what it takes to finish them and to excel. Since losing the weight, I saw that I was capable of whatever I put my mind to... there will be No More What If's...

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Settling For Less Is Not An Option

I have finally caught up with all my blogs.. for the time being.  I am sure there will be more to read and comment on later tonight.  I really enjoy reading other blogs I get inspiration from many of them, I love how many inspirational blogs and people that are out there, I am grateful that they share.  So, I was way behind in commenting, I think I had 100 in my feed last night, a little overwhelming for a girl who likes to comment. I did read them all but had to comment less then usual, so I am really sorry if I didn't comment on all your posts. 

I had a thought a couple of days ago about how I now refuse to settle for less than what I deserve, I personally know people in my life that have settled and what I see is that they are bored with their partners... I don't want that, I want to be excited to be with the person I am with and I want them to be excited to be with me.  I don't want to sit at home with my partner night after night on Facebook, watching TV or surfing the internet.

That thought is so dull, I want to share my life with someone special, do things together, support each others dreams.  Live those dreams with each other... that means living life outside of the four walls of home.  I had a light bulb moment about where I would be with my weight if certain events didn't happen in my life?  Maybe that is what I needed to change and give myself a kick in the butt... I am continually grateful that I have lost the weight that was a part of my life far too long.

I have lost another 9.8 pounds in two weeks, well on my way to my goal weight... one I need to learn to maintain but one I am looking forward to figuring out.  It just means knowing how much I have to exercise, which I love and how much I can give my body a treat here and there as no one wants to live on salad/fruit all the time... I want to enjoy all food within limits, it is all about balance.

Boring is not an option for me, I expect only interesting and exciting... I know that is not possible 24/7 but it's worth the effort to make it extra special throughout the day. Now that I am back on my path to my goal, I feel renewed energy to succeed and get to my goals.  Everything I want is within my reach, nothing is off limits because I have made a decision that settling for less is not an option for me...

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Absence Of Me

I have been very busy with my oldest daughter Andrea, my son in law Paul and my grandson Jackson visiting that I have had very little time to actually blog... That is changing as they are heading home on Thursday morning.  I cannot even begin to explain how enamored I am with my grandson, he gives kisses and hugs and says I love you nana... my heart melts every time I look at his sweet face.  He is such a happy little boy, I love that about him.  I know he can be a handful for his parents... he is almost two but I see the sweetness in him even when he is somewhat out of control... due to lack of sleep or the very little sugar he is allowed to have...

So, it will be back to normal for me on Thursday, I have been readily available at a moments notice while my oldest daughter was here which meant I didn't get in as much walking, my decision, not hers.  I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her and her beautiful little family.  Something had to give, a little less exercising and writing in my blog. Truly I should be in bed, catching up on some much needed sleep but I felt the need and desire to write... first I had to catch up with all the blogs I follow, the number is rising but I find that since I have added them to my Bloglovin list and I get all the updates in one place, so it's been easier for me to find a quick moment on my phone to read and comment on a few, instead of doing a bunch in the morning and the rest at night.

I thought about how I had been absent for the past couple of nights, I have had really late nights and I have had very little energy to even think, let alone write...  Hence why I had the need to do a catch up blog. I know I don't have to write in this every night but for me writing everyday, or close to it as possible, is like following my exercise plan and eating healthy, it becomes a habit, a good habit that helps me to be better and to be more present.  When I am absent due to commitments or lack of sleep, I miss the writing, the exercising... etc.

Consequently, I felt like I have been absent from my blogging by not putting any effort into preparing a blog, even though I was spending time reading others and being very inspired by so many.  I felt the need to write tonight... or early Wednesday morning, so that I won't allow my absence to become permanent.  The same with my exercise, I am going back at it with full force tomorrow, no excuses... I am going to exercise my 3-4 miles, I am making the time.  There are a ton of reasons I can think of for taking a break but not one of them are good reasons, being absent is never good for me... being present, helps me to excel at the challenges that have been set before me... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Social Media On A Timer

I spent the day reading blogs and cooking a meal for dinner and for lunch tomorrow, my little Valentina is not feeling so well... I spent the day tending to her, she has a sore throat and a fever.  Hopefully she'll feel better in the morning or she will be spending the day at home with Cindy.  So, I took the day to get caught up with everyone's blog that I follow and who had posted plus I have gone around to most of my social media and changed my picture from me and David to a picture of myself, except for here on the blog, I am not ready to change it here yet.

David is going on exercise for two or three weeks, not sure of the length... there is no communication with the outside when they are on one of these... It's going to be difficult for me not to text him as we text every day and always said good night.  This will be good since I have decided to cap a limit on my time that I give to social media.  I love staying connected but there are times we all have to unplug occasionally, otherwise we miss out on the small things right in front of us.

I am going to start limiting my usage with the timer on my phone... since I love how I say I will just check something out and be five minutes; with a timer, I will really see if it is five minutes.  I am also going to get Valentina's tablet charged up and use that to write my blog while I am on the bus, I miss writing my blog in the morning, I used to do this on my blackberry but it became too hard on my android touch screen.  With the tablet, the keys are larger and less of a chance of hitting the wrong key with my fingers.

My phone is great to use when you are sitting, just not moving as it is ultra sensitive.... which can be frustrating if you keep clicking the wrong letter.  So, I limit my use to going through Twitter and Facebook, it will be nice to use my time wisely on the bus again.  That way when I get home at night, I will be able to post immediately... then relax and read the blogs I follow.  This will be especially helpful when I start having a two hour trip home on the bus, at least I will be accomplishing something and not feel like I have wasted all my time.

I am only working two days this week, since I took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to clean my house for Valentina's birthday sleep over this weekend... as well I wanted to be able to make a nice birthday dinner for her on Wednesday with just her and me..  She is looking forward to this very much so I hope whatever illness she has passes soon so she can enjoy her time coming up.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Why I Love Blogging

I started my blog in July of 2009 but I didn't become serious until February 2012, at that time I had one follower and I had about 3000 page views... since February 2012, I now have 152 follower on GFC, plus many followers on Twitter, Bloglovin, Bloggers.com, my Facebook page, Pinterest etc... and over the weekend, I have hit over 50,000 views.

That boggles my mind but I seriously look forward to more growth, I love the interaction of blogging... getting to know new people by following their blogs and learning about them through their posts.  Some people have actually become friends on Facebook where we chat off and on... I think it is amazing being connected with so many people across the world.  I know that no amount of internet connection makes up for human connection which I have daily with teammates.  I think that blogging friends are special because we all know what it takes to put a blog post together.

What takes someone a few minutes to read, likely takes an hour to two hours.  Lately it has been so much better for me now that I have a new computer and I have a much faster internet but it still takes time, time that I actually enjoy.  One of the reasons that I comment on my favorite blogs regularly is because first, I like people to know that someone is really following them and second I like getting to know people this way.  I know what it means to me when someone takes time out of their busy schedule to comment on my blog, I really appreciate it, especially since I blog so often...

I also know that when I blog, I put myself out there, writing my past to work on a better future.  My favorite bloggers are too many to name but the people that I connect to the quickest are people that make me feel, either by making me laugh hysterically, or crying with a beautiful piece of poetry written from the heart, or making me ponder something with words that are written with so much love.  I have always loved to read and now I get to read a little bit about many people's lives.  I get to laugh, cry and smile with them as they are on a journey, not so different than my own.  Maybe different challenges but we are still working towards becoming our best selves.

  I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Falling Back In Love With Reading

I spent today reading... just lazily enjoying turning the pages, getting to know the characters.  I don't know what has taken me so long to get back into reading... whatever it is, I hope it's gone... I have about six books I can read and really enjoy right now.

My favorite book of all time is not even a well known story, it is called 'The Mirror'... I have probably read it twenty times or more.  I have other books that I loved so much that I read them many times but this one I loved the most.  I loved the characters, I was conflicted in how I wanted the story to turn out... I haven't read it for years, I think I will put it in my pile to read while I am off healing.

It was the love of reading that gave me the desire to write, I loved getting lost in the words on a page on dark rainy days or sunny afternoons sitting under a tree.  Envisioning myself in far away lands and doing amazing things.  I used to fashion stories up in my imagination but I was never encouraged to write them down.

I think with our fast paced lives that forget to take some time and just lazily read for the enjoyment.  I even ignored my phone for most of the time and that is feat of it's own.  I am going to tell you all a strange fact about me, I may have shared it in the past but here it is.... I read the end of a book to see if I am going to like the ending...  I know, it's strange but I don't mind knowing the outcome of the book, it actually helps me to enjoy the book more.  Hence why I can read the same book over and over... I just love the characters.

My hope is that we all take a little time for ourselves, mine is through reading and writing... What is yours?  Why not make some plans to do those things you loved so much in the past?  I know I am going to pick the things I love much more often than instant technology.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It's Just Mind Over Matter, Right?

I know it's been a few days since I've written, I've literally been exhausted in every way possible.  Physically because of my leg and now that I have a cane my shoulder hurts.  Doing the smallest chore takes massive energy that leaves me tired. I have such a deep appreciation for people who live with chronic pain.

I took Friday off work, I slept a lot; actually I slept the better part of the weekend.  I have no energy, I'm forcing myself out to work this week and Christmas shopping. The rest of the time I plan to relax as much as possible. I've not also just been physically exhausted, I'm emotionally exhausted as well.

This year has been tough, especially this last month.  I think I just need to have some me time where I can think some things through.  I'm supposed to get surgery early next year, I plan to write a lot then, I'll be held captive in my house for about two months. Lots of time for me to think and work things through.

Until then I'll be writing as much as possible.  I have so much reading to get caught up on, I miss everyone's blogs. I also have David to worry about, he's going back in for surgery in early January, until then he has a blood clot in his stomach.  I just don't know how I'm going to rest, until I know he's okay.

I'm really hoping to write daily, it will all depend on how much rest I can give my body so that I'll be inspired to write. I do know that some of the most inspirational posts I've written were when I didn't always feel like writing.  This is different, this is because of physical limits though.

It's going to be a very busy week for me, I am working nine and half hour days for the next five days, then I am doing that two days next week to get caught up on my time.  I also have my Christmas shopping to do, which I think I will do on Wednesday, it may not be too busy... hahaha... I am sure it will be a mad house any day I go.  I am not looking forward to walking from one end of the store to another, oh well, I can do it... it's just mind over matter, right?

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Positive Things From Challenges

Once again I was in bed just before nine, talk about exhaustion.  I'm pretty sure I could have slept standing up.  Besides I had to get up early (4:00am) to get Valentina ready for the first day of school.  She's so excited, I hope she has an amazing year.

I finally saw the specialist with my friend Cindy; the doctor did NOT say that my leg looked good (it was about time).  I am on a list for an operation which will have me laid up for six weeks or so.  I'm not looking forward to that but I am looking forward to finally having my leg healed.

When I do go in for this operation, I'm going to take the time to sleep as much as my body wants and I'm going to get caught up on all my letters that I owe and phone calls too. I will probably blog like a fool since I'll be bored, I apologize up front:). 

I will get to read again, next to my love for my children and David is my love for reading.  I'll get to catch up on all the books I own, that's a nice thought.  I can hardly wait for my copy of her book to arrive Ripple The Twine by Jenn-Flyn-Shon from the blog Writesy.  I'm also going to read the book 'The Mirror' again, I've read it like 30 or more times.

Okay, I have some great things I can do and get caught up while I'm laid up.  They actually all sound wonderful to me, hopefully once I actually get the date set, it will all go beautifully.  There is always something positive is the most difficult challenges.

 "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield