My mind is constantly on one thought, I get myself off it and then boom, reminders are there always. Just popping up. It's exasperating and I think I just need to stop and yet I don't. My feelings remind me of the song by Wilson Philips, A Reason To Believe.
Someone like you makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you makes it easy to give, never think of myself
Someone like you makes it hard to think about somebody else
I love these words it is exactly how I feel right now and I have been for quite sometime. I don't even care what other people think, I only care about what I want.
I am missing what I want so much, trying to figure out how I am going to handle not having what I want yet. I can't turn my mind off, I dream all night and then day dream all day. There are days that it is overwhelming and I try so hard not to think, not to feel but the thoughts and feelings are there no matter how hard I try to change it.
Sometimes on the way to work, I just start to feel emotional about what I want and I feel so foolish for losing it. You would think I was more grown up than that but then I realize that the older you get doesn't mean that you are not effected by your emotions. Deep down inside, no matter how much we age we are still the same insecure teenager we were when we were growing up. I thought those years were behind me but they are not, I still feel like I did when I was younger. I feel like somethings are out of my grasp, like things will never change and I may never have that ultimate dream. I know it's silly, I know the truth of the Secret and I know that is just my fear.
I guess it was just so imbedded in me when I was younger, I still remember the words my step mother told me and my sisters when I was younger. She told my other two sisters that atleast when someone loved me, it would be for me and not for what I looked like. Hmmm... nice, she instilled in me that I didn't have the right look, that someone would have to see past my looks to love me.
Is she right that no one could see past to see the real me, to love the real me? Could anyone truly want me for me? I am disappointed that I allow those thoughts to shape who I am. I have worked so hard to move passed them.
It's a good thing I am seeing a councillor and working on those past thoughts, making changes to them. Surely I can move past them and know the truth and then maybe I can have my ultimate desire.