My mind has been in chaos lately, one minute I am up and things are great, on the turn of dime though, I can be down. Makes me wonder why I put myself through things, like letting myself feel anything for anyone when it never seems to go where I want it go go. Is it really worth it in the long run? This is where I have been weighing pros and cons, except my con list is shorter than I know that it should be since deep down I don't want to give up what I want.
I am not sure that I want to lose anything else, since I have lost so much in the last few years. The truth though is what am I losing if I don't really have what I want right now? Yet I hold on to maybe, in the future. I wonder if it is realistic, yet somehow I still want what I want and the stubborn part of me keeps holding on until there is no hope.
Deep down I know that can't be good in the long run, I mean how painful will it all end up being if what I want doesn't happen and not because it wasn't supposed to happen. I truly believe that I should have what I want so much but it just isn't up to me. How I wish that it was, then I could have the opportunity to show how good it could be.
Unfortunately, I am more confused then ever... nothing is cut an dry. For each time I say that I am done, that I need to get over it, move on... I find a reason to hang on. Tenacious ? Stubborn? or just foolish. I guess that still remains to be seen.
Even though I believe the words from 'The Dance' by Garth Brooks, I sometimes wish I could go back and change a couple of things but I guess if I did, I might not be where I am today. Hmm, so many things to think about and so many decisions to make, I just want to make the right one's this time, I have made so many wrong choices over the years, I would love to make this one different.