I had another restless sleep last night, never ending dreams, the kind that make it hard to really to feel rested. Then I made it to work and had tough calls and then became all emotional because of it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get a handle on my feelings? Thank goodness for my cubicle so people couldn't see my melt downs.
I also keep thinking about how I accept less then what I deserve, I am always trying to please who I want, thinking it will show how much I care. It is never enough though, it seems people want the uncertainty, instead of having what they know. Why is it that I don't feel that I am good enough being just me? Maybe because when I feel someone likes me for me they walk away.
I think relationships are difficult enough without having the right chemistry. With me, I have to have butterfly feelings where my belly does flip flops when a man kisses me. If I don't have that, it is meaningless and not worth it at all. There have been very few men in my life that I have kissed that know how to kiss. It always amazes me, you would think that a man would want to kiss a woman properly so that she would be his forever. Kissing does that for me, if a man can kiss and he can give me butterfly flip flops than he can pretty well have my heart. That is a rare thing to find in life, I had it once before and I knew when I lost it that if was really something hard to lose, I had a difficult time getting over that and then I finally did and now I want the kind of guy that is there all the time, just talking, watching a movie, cuddling, we don't have to talk all the time, silence is great sometimes. I just want someone who wants to be with me, just being there. Someone to snuggle up to every night, someone to wake up to every morning.
Only forever is enough anymore, I need that, I deserve that. I don't want to accept less anymore, accepting anything less is not loving myself enough.
I wouldn't want to change my past as I would not be who I am today but I don't want to keep repeating the same things over and over. Challenges are fine, they help you grow but when it is the same one, it makes me wonder what I haven't learned yet?