How am I supposed to change my feelings? I would love to know how people just turn them off and on at will. I have never been like that, when I care about someone, they are the person I think about, the person I want to be with. I don't even want to look at anyone else. I just wish I could be more like other people, the one's that can feel when they want to.
I've been thinking about when I was a child and how I had dreams and fantasies of what my life would be like and never did I think I would be a single mom twice and that I would end up being alone. I know that the way my life is now does not mean that it will be the way my life will be in the future but it's so hard to see around that bend in the road.
I just don't know how to give a peice of my heart, I only know how to give it all. Giving it all hurts so much though, especially when it's not returned. I've always believed that if I loved someone enough that it would be more than enough to make it work but that's not true. Instead, I am alone and very sad lately.
I want so much to love someone and to share my life with them but they have to feel the same way and lately I just feel like it is such a far off dream. Staying positive all the time is difficult, especially when things stay the same all the time. Why did most people have to be right when I was younger, why could I not get past what I was told for so much of my life? Words do really hurt more than anything else.
One good thing, I have lost at least 10 pounds, maybe more. I will see the doctor in October and I hope another 10 pounds will be gone by then. At least I am on the right track when it comes to my weight and I like how I have been feeling. Sure I have more to lose but I am eating when I am hungry and I am thinking more about what I eat and why then just eating whatever. I am so glad I found the book 'Women, Food and God', it changed how I thought about food and how I thought about my body and me. I used to think I had no control but I do, I have all the control.