I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, there is so much on my plate that sometimes I wonder how I will manage. Instead of dealing with all my issues I am just focusing on one thing. I guess I have a one track thought as it is easier, my real problems are so much harder to fix. Also, I am trying not to stress over all the things I have no control over but that is difficult.
I wish I could just make one thing work in my life right now, so that I didn't always feel so hopeless. Because yes, on the outside I look like everything is fine, I get to work everyday (I sure don't feel like it), I keep up the house so that it doesn't get out of control, I smile and laugh a lot but inside I am unbelievably out of control. I cry on the way to work some days, I cry in my cubicle, I often wonder how I put on a face to make it look like everything is okay when it's not.
Do I know how lucky and wonderful my life is, yes. That doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it just means that I am fully aware that I do have great things. It's just so hard when I feel so empty and I don't know why. I really think that when someone lives their life with one dream, idea, thought and it never seems to come to pass, that it can break a persons spirit. I just don't understand why I have not been able to attain it. What do I need to do, say, think, feel... whatever it is I would do it.
I really need to get more rest and I need to figure out how to not let the disappoints break me down. How to do this is probably one of the most difficult things I have had to overcome and honestly I have had to overcome a great deal of things. From surviving a fire as a toddler and the aftermath of it, of having to deal with a step mother who belittled me and made my younger life so painful and then finally getting married to only find out that I had ended up in a bigger hell than I thought possible. I keep coming through these things over and over but lately it is getting more and more difficult. Everyone needs to feel wanted, needed and loved, I haven't felt that for a long time.