This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, from high to low. I feel like I am reading more into things than I should and then I think I should be questioning other things more. I had such a nice time Friday night, just chatting and laughing. I then came home motivated, wanting to get myself back, the person I was before I met Andrey. I loved cooking, organizing, hanging with my friends, then I came home today and I just felt strange. I don't even know why? I feel like I am living in a dream and then I think I should stay positive and everything will be great.
My emotions are incredibly off the chart, mainly because I feel so much that often I wish that I didn't. If you don't feel, you can't be hurt... I wonder if that's true? How do people shut themselves off... how do they live without caring? Deep down I know it's better to feel even if it's painful :(
What if Andrey was right when he said no one would or could ever love me? I wish I didn't give him any of my power, it's so hard not to believe it when no one is there to love me. I feel like when I desperately want someone, that I do everything in my power and I give of myself to the point that I am no longer me:/ Why can I be myself when I don't have feelings for someone? But then I am anything but myself when I want someone. I keep trying to be and do what other people want.
I can't give up on love no matter what, it is worth it in the long run even if it is incredibly painful at times. I won't be my mother and give up on it, I don't want to be some lonely old lady, that is not what we are meant to be. I always have to remember that poem that is so true. 'When you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was'.
Also, when I honestly love someone, I want them to be happy even if they are not with me, I have no desire to wish anything but the best for someone that I care deeply about.