What is wrong with me, seriously?? I constantly focus on something I am sure that will bring me happiness and joy and then boom, it is like an explosive bomb that just tears me apart.
When I care about someone, I go out of my way to be what they want, do what they want, give them what they want and then I get walked all over... made to feel like crap. That is what my ex did to me, I pretty well jumped through hoops of fire to make him happy and how did he return the favor. He returned it by making me feel less then human, I was less then garbage in his eyes and in the end he tried to destroy me by raping me.
It's a suprise to me that I came back from that when all I wanted to do was crawl in a deep hole and stay there. Instead, I hurt myself in other ways trying to cover the pain of what he had done. What was worse though was that the man that I loved for over 20 years blamed me and asked me what I expected, then he never spoke to me again. He hurt me worse than anybody else has ever hurt me in my life.
I just want to understand why I go out of my way to try to make other people feel better and I never get anything in return. I am a good person, I am kind, thoughtful, caring, loving... yet I am made to feel like I am nothing. Why is that we want the people who don't want us and we don't want the people who do want us?
I am beginning to think I must like pain and rejection, otherwise I wouldn't keep choosing people who only hurt me. Lately I have been thinking that I see this sad thing in some peoples eyes and I want to make it better for them, only I can't make it better, no matter how hard I try. I think I need to work with my councillor to figure out why I have this need to fix people?
I think I need to fix myself before I am ever going to be able to be where I want and with who I want. The thing is there have been very few people that I have honestly cared about but the ones my heart has chosen to care about has hurt me. You think I would have learned by now, yeah not me. Apparently I need to be destroyed to learn.