I have had a lot of time to think, which is both good and difficult. I get to ask myself the really hard questions, one of them being that I may never know the answers I am seeking... I have such a hard time understanding how something could be one way and in a flash it changes 180 degrees... it's almost like time was erased.
I am trying to date again, I just don't understand where the good and kind men are. I keep attracting men that are so the opposite of what I want. I had someone tell me recently that I have too many tests a guy would have to pass. I don't think I am putting tests out there for anyone but I need to know that the guy can carry on a conversation about important and funny things. I need to feel a spark, that is what is most important to me... it's not even that I think being in a committed relationship would complete me... I am complete all my by myself.
I have been thinking about how I never valued myself enough because every warning was there and I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it that way. I wanted to be right, all the little hmm thoughts... they all make sense after the fact. I now know that I value myself because if a man cannot excite me with some good conversation and with a little humor thrown it, he will never make it past that stage. I couldn't spend my life talking about mundane things that don't matter.
Today I would never settle for any relationship that I did in the past... I didn't raise the bar high enough. I lowered it because I thought I couldn't do better... that has changed... now if I could just find that guy I can banter with... travel with... share my dreams with... Love... I want it all.
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