Someday I Will Know Why

Catching up has been a daunting task to say the least, I am hoping I didn't miss anyone... I follow a lot of blogs, I knew I did but it was still eye-opening.  It's been a busy week but really a good week, I sincerely missed being involved in the blogging world, it's like our own little family. Plus we are all open to meeting more people who are interested in being involved.  

This week I will be spending time getting my office completely organized, I purchased a huge cabinet so that I can get rid of all my smaller ones... It's quite the endeavor but it is going to be a great way of purging. I believe the more ready I am the easier the change will be, I really look forward to having time with Valentina and time for me to exercise. She even told me she wants it so that we can chat in the morning and have breakfast together...

I want to thank everyone for being so kind with your comments, part of my not wanting to write was because of the depression I am dealing with and not knowing how to be as  positive as I like to be when writing. I know we all have difficulties in life and it's not easy to have to read that someone is struggling, I am though... I am finding it a challenge to just get up, go to work and make it back home. Truthfully if it were not for my new friend, I often wonder if I would leave the house otherwise... Thankfully she is there to offer some outings that are good for me.

She has been the one who has come up with inexpensive ideas to make my home feel like a home because for eight years I kept thinking I was always going to move and I never truthfully settled here. Once I decided this is where I will be staying for years to come, she put up nice drapes, rearranged my kitchen to make it more open and comfortable... and found furniture for my office so that I will be set up for success to work from home... I feel like I am ready and I am grateful she has got me to that point.

I wanted to write with honesty here because although I am struggling ... I understand that many of us are dealing with overwhelming trials. Life isn't easy, nor do I expect that it should be. For with painful tests, they bring us experiences we might not aquire... It can take wisdom and years for us to see the benefits of any trial we may deal with... holding on until we can see the blessings from challenges is really all that we can do. I also am very aware that trying to have a good attidude will go a long way for me to handle the conflict given to me... 

Is it easy to always rise above controversy in our lives... no... but deep down I know it's worth it. I believe one day I will know and understand why I had to deal with something I felt I couldn't and maybe even be grateful... maybe. This is the reason that I keep putting one foot in front of the other... The knowledge and hope for the future...

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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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The Past Is Just That, The Past

I've been thinking a great deal about how my life is going to change drastically in the next six months. This week is going to be a good time to clear my mind of things that are not important... I will have to be organized if I plan to be successful with school, there will be a great deal of study time needed. The accounting course doesn't start until September ... so I will have two courses overlap for about three months.  What I am going to do is work ahead with the first one so that I can have enough time to do other things like walking, writing and reading blogs. Not to mention I am a mama first... I have a lot of juggling and organizing to do to get ready.  

I wanted to let you all know I'm still very determined to give my best and being healthy is very important to me. I think sometimes we lose ourselves while giving so much of ourselves to others.... I got my voice back after Andrey had tried to control my every move, that was when I finally stood up and didn't allow him or others to control me any longer.  I have always been centered when I want something...  this time was different for me, I was even more determined than normal.

A year ago, I took my life back and changed it by 180 degrees, I got into an exercise routine and ate as healthy as possible... I didn't even let my 50th birthday be an excuse to eat how I would have in the past.  I didn't feel deprived, I felt as if I was working on becoming and staying physically healthy ... So, I wondered what had changed that feeling about a month or so ago.. where was the drive I had?  Tonight I came home, dropped my bags and then instantly changed my clothing and left to take a good long walk.  

It felt like old times, I felt great putting forth the energy to walk/jog a 5k again... I am hoping the weather cooperates with me while Valentina is away so that I can get a 5k in everyday.  I really liked walking in the morning ... that has not been so easy to get back to... I know that I have to make the decision and just do it, otherwise I will come up with excuse after excuse.. and the truth is, I am no longer a girl with excuses... I am a girl who is more than willing to change and put forth any effort to never go back to who I was in the past. 

I am not my past and I shouldn't be judged on it... no one should... especially when the work has been put in to make the changes. The past is just that, the past.

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No More What If's

This weekend has been a busy one, my oldest Andrea is home for a visit. My nephew got married so she came up for that and stayed a few days for a visit.  She was only able to come by herself, we had a good time though... we went to the wedding together, which was beautiful, then I cooked tacos for her on Saturday, like old times and then yesterday we went shopping for a new pair of Nike's for Jackson.

Anyhow, this is why I have been absent from reading and answering blogs, she is flying home early tomorrow morning and then it is back to work for me.  I am hoping to go to the fireworks tonight, as long as the weather holds up.  Then the following week Valentina will be going camping for 6 days and I will be on my own.  I plan to get back into walking as much as I can, I will be able to just go when I feel like it.

I read a blog a few days ago and it was incredible, it kept asking the question What If? to the many different instances in the writers life.  I commented that I had to put the what if's away, the what if's were pulling me down, not allowing me to move forward. It had been a very long road to get to that point and the thought of allowing the what if's to take me back there, would only have me going backwards and I want to live in the present. 

When I stopped living with the questions of what if's? I started moving forward... Is it still sad sometimes? Yes... in can be, but I wanted more than the what if's? I want what I deserve too, a good, honest and kind man... one that sees how wonderful and committed I am.

I am going to be very busy taking 2 courses at the same time, plus being a mama, working full time and exercising.  I need to get these by the end of the year, I am going to give it my best to complete both of them. Then I can have my PCP and run payroll anywhere in Canada.  I will be catching up with you as much as I can, I will have a ton of homework... but I will need a little down time, so reading will be a must ... I will comment as often as possible.  Of course if you comment on my blog I will definitely reciprocate.

The reason I am putting all the effort I can into getting my CPA is that I don't want to look back a year from now and say I wish I had completed those courses. I have what it takes to finish them and to excel. Since losing the weight, I saw that I was capable of whatever I put my mind to... there will be No More What If's...

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Living With The Joy And The In Betweens

I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 30 days straight now, I find it gives me a time to just reflect on what is really great that is going on in my life, it usually ends up that I write about the small things.  I think small things need to be celebrated, they are the steps we take on our journey to love ...

I finally have a word for how I have been feeling for the last six months, I am not ready to share it, for the moment it is just good enough that I know the word.  It has opened my eyes as to why I have been on such an emotional roller coaster.. I read another blog Friday night called .As Far As The Eye Can See, I have written about her before, she writes things that move me deeply.

What she wrote made me realize the word, I wrote in my other journal/blog Friday night... I wrote for over two hours.  I usually take the time to read it over and fix up the sentences.  Last night I was too tired, plus it gave me a lot to think about.  I have been feeling less joy lately but I don't allow myself to wallow in the feelings. Sometimes I cry and that is okay ... I laugh a lot too.  I have been in a why stage for so long ... when it doesn't matter why anymore. 

I opened a door finally... one which lead me to write for so long Friday night, it just poured out of me, no time was taken between thoughts... the next thought was there as soon as the last one was written.  Eventually I will will post it here, it is probably the most real I have ever been with my writing.  I tend to hold a little back for various reasons but mostly because although I share a great deal of myself... I haven't been ready to put it all out there. 

I slept for a little over three hours ... probably the longest stretch in six months.  I had decided to get groceries Friday night because I did not want to deal with the crowds on Saturday ... so that meant I had a day where I actually got some things done around the house, all the dishes are done and so is the laundry, I just have to get the floors done.  I can just imagine how much I could get done if I could sleep a little more.  At least the last two nights were headed in the right direction.  

I have made a few decisions for myself, one's I plan to share in my blog soon... I am first trying to get a little order in place so that I will be ready to move on with some of my plans.  Chaos and disorder do little to help me move ahead with ideas and plans, order is something I need a little of... otherwise I am just floating around, completing nothing. 

I wish I was better at letting go like some people but then I wouldn't be me who really feels... I would be them who never felt enough.  For when I have loved, I gave my heart and soul... I soared with joy... if I had held back, I never would have felt that joy, that is what people who hold back in life miss out on. So, although it is tough to feel emotions, I would much prefer to feel than to bury them and never really live.

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High Expectations

I have had one of those lazy reflective days, although I didn't sleep again (nothing new there... six months now)... I stayed in bed and rested until about 9:30.  Then Valentina and I started our day, we watched a little TV, we talked and I read and commented on blogs.  I am so on top of it there is nothing waiting in the lists and I have my email all up to date, as well, I finally did my taxes, money is on it's way.  I am grateful and excited that I will get to go shopping finally and get my hair done plus Spring might be here soon.

Okay, the last thing I said about Spring... a girl can hope.  I am feeling myself falling into old patterns due to this horrible winter we have had, I am truly not used to it like this, normally we have mild winters where being outdoors is not a time to have a limb frozen off... I have no idea how people are handling it with weather that is sub zero frozen almost all the time.  I have empathy for you all, we are not near that and I am finding it is pulling my mood down.

Once Spring truly arrives here, I will be an outdoors girl, walking and working out all the time, I am going to soak up the sun with sunscreen of course, and I am going to love the heat.  I am finally down to a size that I can buy my clothes wherever I want, I could always buy shirts at almost any store but now I can buy pants in trendy stores.  That is big for me, I have had limited styles and clothing to chose from, losing all this weight has opened a world of choice for me.  I am so glad I took that journey in June last year, now I want to stick with it, get to my next goal of my 10k.

Spring must be on it's way, I am feeling my mood shifting ... plus I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 23 days straight, it is usually a line... some days it is hard but most days it is easy, at the end of 30 days I am going to read over them and share a few of my favorites with you all.  I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who reads/comments on my blog, I feel like I have the best followers and I feel lucky to have you all here.  I know how time consuming it can be to keep up with other blogs, so I appreciate all the effort.

I wish one thing, when I was younger I remember people telling me to enjoy myself more... I took things too seriously... I don't want to live like that anymore, I like the girl I have become.. I am much more confident and much more closer to so many goals I have. One year ago, actually even six months ago I never would have guessed my life would be like this... I never believed I could lose the weight I carried for so many years of my life, yet with determination, I succeeded, I got over a hump in my life where I finally realized I am more capable than I am or was aware of...

The other thing I was reflecting on was friendship, how to me it is being forgiving, remembering the journey each of you have been on, understanding you better because they know you better than anyone else.. Not judging each other because we know how hard the other has had it, everyone is fighting a battle... that is something that always has to be remembered... especially in friendship.  This is what I look for in any relationship I have and since I am willing to offer all of that, I expect the same in return... pretty high expectations I know but that is what I deserve.

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What's Inspired Me

I have made some decisions in the past few days, due to some new insight I have gained in the last week, I am actually going to link up as many of the blogs as I can remember that kept inspiring me after I had made my decision... because that is where growth happens quickly, at least for me that has always been true. So before I post the links, I wanted to say a couple of things.

First I love blogging, it gives me an outlet to say what I am feeling and helps me to work issues out, I feel so lucky to have so many readers that follow me and comment on any given blog post I may write, I think that is all any type of writer really wants, some recognition that you have been heard.  Being heard, that is something we all want in this life and I found that here, plus the great thing too is that I get to read other people's insights which help me to grow and inspire me too.

Saying all the above, I have pressured myself to keep up to date with all my comments, I don't like disappointing anyone... hmm, people pleaser, I thought I had outgrown that in my early 40's?  Apparently I have revisited that recently, I have decided that I will be limiting my comments to be quality comments, ones where I am not just skimming to get to the next one.  I will still be visiting many blogs but I need to cut my comment time down as I have a number of personal projects I need to work on.

I might lose readers but I think the people who really like my blog will stay ... I have so many favorites that I could never list you all, people who inspire me each time I open a link.  I love that... it is why I continue to write and read, two of my passions.  That brings me to why I need to limit my comments, one I need to exercise... I use this place as an excuse not to sometimes, two I need to really write in my other blog for the book I am writing and three most importantly, I want and need to spend time with Valentina, I am a mama first.

I have to say I love every encouraging comment I receive here, it's another reason I comment, I know how good it feels to receive one and I never do it to get a comment back... I think it is nice to reciprocate but I do not in any way think it is mandatory.  I will still visit you all, I will still comment, it just won't be everyday.. I follow almost 500 blogs, thankfully not everyone posts every day, so it has been manageable but I am really shaking my life up.

I hope I remember everyone's link from last week, I will list them:

1.  It started with Ashly Rae from Ashly London, I think this is a fantastic read.

I am going to do this detox after I see my doctor next week, I am looking forward to the end result of how much healthier I will feel. 

2.  Then Dahi from Strangeness and Charms, sweet way to collect and save gratitude.

I do this with my on line gratitude journal, tomorrow will be 14 days.  I like her idea of the colored paper and I may do this down the road too:)

3.  Next was Vett from Real College Student of Atlanta, inspiring.

I loved her take on all the things which were recent thoughts and lessons learned, many of which I have learned or am now learning.

4.  Rick from Life 101, really great read.

I always enjoy reading Rick, he is laid back and thought provoking, this one was pretty deep with the question Why am I here?

5.  Sakshi, from Capturing Sunshine, who wrote this really insightful post.

It is something a lot of us feel at times but try to hide because it isn't easy to express ourselves openly, I really enjoyed what she had to say about when you can't express your feelings. 

6.  This blog really touched me, Happiness in a choice... it spoke to me.

The title was Finding Contentment... it is what we should all do, slow down, look around you and really live in the moment, be content. 

These are the ones that stood out that motivated me so much this week... big changes are coming for me but I do have to put the work in and I am more than ready, willing and able to... I look forward to the outcome.  I have to say there are so many of you that inspired me this week, people that normally don't write like that even wrote thoughtful posts. 

The last thing I need to say here is, if I had known before hand, I would have reacted another way but since I did not know before hand, then I reacted the only way I knew how, which doesn't mean I do hurtful things ... as that is not who I am.  This sums up my life ... this is the only way I can live, I cannot change the past, it is what it is, nor will I be held back by it in the future.  I can only forgive and move on... forgive myself and others.  I am the kind of girl who doesn't know how not to be open, I like being able to say how I am feeling, no matter what it is at any given moment. 

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Settling For Less Is Not An Option

I have finally caught up with all my blogs.. for the time being.  I am sure there will be more to read and comment on later tonight.  I really enjoy reading other blogs I get inspiration from many of them, I love how many inspirational blogs and people that are out there, I am grateful that they share.  So, I was way behind in commenting, I think I had 100 in my feed last night, a little overwhelming for a girl who likes to comment. I did read them all but had to comment less then usual, so I am really sorry if I didn't comment on all your posts. 

I had a thought a couple of days ago about how I now refuse to settle for less than what I deserve, I personally know people in my life that have settled and what I see is that they are bored with their partners... I don't want that, I want to be excited to be with the person I am with and I want them to be excited to be with me.  I don't want to sit at home with my partner night after night on Facebook, watching TV or surfing the internet.

That thought is so dull, I want to share my life with someone special, do things together, support each others dreams.  Live those dreams with each other... that means living life outside of the four walls of home.  I had a light bulb moment about where I would be with my weight if certain events didn't happen in my life?  Maybe that is what I needed to change and give myself a kick in the butt... I am continually grateful that I have lost the weight that was a part of my life far too long.

I have lost another 9.8 pounds in two weeks, well on my way to my goal weight... one I need to learn to maintain but one I am looking forward to figuring out.  It just means knowing how much I have to exercise, which I love and how much I can give my body a treat here and there as no one wants to live on salad/fruit all the time... I want to enjoy all food within limits, it is all about balance.

Boring is not an option for me, I expect only interesting and exciting... I know that is not possible 24/7 but it's worth the effort to make it extra special throughout the day. Now that I am back on my path to my goal, I feel renewed energy to succeed and get to my goals.  Everything I want is within my reach, nothing is off limits because I have made a decision that settling for less is not an option for me...

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Changing My Cants Into Cans

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I read this quote above about changing my cants into cans on someone's Facebook yesterday and it spoke to me...  The girl/woman that had it on her wall, used to be quite heavy and was in a very unhappy marriage... She gained the strength to leave her husband and then she changed her life by making the time to exercise and eat healthy... basically she loved herself enough to not stay in that situation.  She inspires me daily as I see how she keeps exercising to maintain her new weight... she also states that she will never be model skinny and she is quite happy with that but that girl is so healthy and fit.

I am grateful for all the strong women that I know, women that have risen above their situations to show me that I do not have to live with the past... I have surrounded myself with women who changed their circumstances and never looked back.  My absolute favorite thing about them is that not one of them says poor me, look what I have had to endure to get to where I am today... I know their stories well but that is not where they live... they live in the present... it is where I try to live everyday.

It's not like they just said, okay... that nasty, awful thing happened to me... I forgive the people who did it to me and I forgive myself for putting up with it... they had to go through some soul searching but they did not wallow in it... I love that strength they had and have... I came through some terrible things myself but that is not who I am anymore... I am making better choices for myself, I am living in the present and mainly I have forgiven the people that hurt me... I honestly forgive them and I feel for them... just how sad is their life that they had to hurt me to try to feel better.  I am hoping and praying always that those people move through their pain and forgive themselves and become the best person they can be... I think until I could do that, I could not move on... 

 

I have had numerous people ask me how I am so determined with this eating healthy and exercising... well... I changed my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.  I just started one day, instead of making an excuse to start another day, I got up and started that day.  Was it easy?  No way... it was hard...  my first walk was insane, I was blood red, so sweaty and hot... it was for a matter of 15-20 minutes.  I had to stop twice to catch my breath.  What did I do?  I got out and did it the next day ... was it simple the next day?  No... it was hard, each day was an effort and it continues to be an effort but I make it an effort now... I am not happy with just doing what I did the day before, I want it to be harder.

I want to push myself, I remember reading people's blogs like Joy's and Janice's and thinking WOW, how do these ladies do this, I could never do that... I am not that committed... well... I am now and if I am committed... then anyone can be... I want to do all those amazing things that they do and I will because I have made a choice to do them.  I am not going to sit here any longer and say I am 50, how can I do that?  Well, surprise, surprise... I am doing it.  When the contest at work is over the end of the month, The Biggest Loser should be starting their new season, I am going to join up on line with them and continue to get weighed in every Friday.

I have small goals, my first one is to lose the biggest percentage of weight and win the contest at work, the second is get to Christmas and hopefully be down an additional 30 pounds ... I am so looking forward to being in control of my weight and showing myself that all things are possible.  Then the next thing is to get to March and be in the 100's... a huge mile stone for me as I have not been there since I was in my early 20's.  The last one isn't even a weight, it is a size that I will be comfortable with and I have no idea what size that will be until I get there... Like I have said many, many times... I do NOT want to be skinny... I adore and love my curves and I plan to have them for my life.  I personally don't think skinny would look good on me.

I also know very well that this will always be a struggle for me and that I will have to watch what I eat by always counting calories and always exercising... I happen to think I am worth that work and I will never look back again.  I aim to show myself and others that no longer will I sit on the side lines and wonder why I cannot do what others do?  I can and I will... I have changed my cants to cans and my dreams to plans.... You can too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not Giving Up, I Am Winning

I read a couple of blogs today that really touched me and made me cry.  These two women for different reasons have such low self worth and they reminded me of how I feel deep inside.... the part I try to hide from everyone.  The part that wonders if I am good enough? ..  I hold her back and tell her that she is, she is more than worth it but somewhere deep inside I doubt it.

This time though, I am not going to eat that lack of self worth, I am not going to sit in my house because of my lack of self worth... I am going to eat healthy, I am going to walk.  Regardless of how that part of me feels, I will acknowledge her but I will not feed that fear.  It has taken me a long time... a very long time to stand up to that part of me and say, I know you have valid feelings but eating junk and sitting on my butt is not helping. 

I have to do something different for us, I have to be strong for both of us... that little girl inside that feels worthless needs me to make things different for her.. So, no matter how hard it is, I am staying the course.  Nothing and I mean nothing will get me off course this time. I am dedicated to this, dedicated to seeing this through to wherever it leads. I am grateful for my tenacity and that I dig deep and keep challenging myself.

The old me would have said, it is too hot... hop on the bus... look at your face, you are so red, people are looking!!  This won't change... just give in.  This is what I have to say to her, I don't care how hot it is, I am walking, I don't care how red my face gets, everyone can look... who cares... All this walking will change me! I can already see it in less then two weeks.  I started out with a 20-25 minute walk where I thought I might pass out... I didn't... I walked  again the next day.  Each day gets easier ... new challenges come along but I just keep knocking them down, one after the ofter.

I walked almost five miles today... I never would have thought that was possible.  I did it and it was incredibly hot today, I didn't care about the heat, my sweating or my red face.. what I care about is showing that little girl inside of me that burying her feelings with food or other addictions never brought her joy, how about giving something else a try.  She is hard to reach but I am not letting her win by giving up... I am going to win this time... which means she will too.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Radiate From The Inside Out

First I walked 4 miles today... it should be 22 miles for the week when I get my second weigh in tomorrow morning.  I'm SO excited... I know the numbers won't always be as good at the first week but it's going to feel amazing to get that first big amount off.

I can't be believe that one week ago I was avoiding walking like it was the plague... Eating the worst food and whining that I couldn't get motivated.  All I can say is Heavenly Father saw into my heart and gave me a way to start.  The contest, Valentina and I getting healthy together and the third reason will be a secret for now.

Let's just say all three of these have given me the motivation to succeed.  Valentina is learning slowly, she is resigned to the fact that we're walking... she didn't even argue tonight.  Besides she got to play at the big playground tonight (more exercise for her).

TV has become a thing of the past... I might watch an hour per week... I couldn't be happier... I also talked to a friend from church and in July I'm going to organize a walking/running club where we can get partners to walk/run with.. The more we have others involved the more successful we will all be...

I want to see us supporting each other... even in the blog world.. Joy from Starting With Myself, and Janice from Fitness Cheerleader and everyone who is fighting the hard fought battle of losing excess weight and just getting healthy.  We we be successful, let's encourage each other as well, let's get out there and motivate others.

My mission is to love my body, curves and all.  I want to be happy with myself so that I will radiate from the inside out... I know that I've been inspired so that I will inspire others... pass it on... I'm filled with gratitude!

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Three Wants

I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life, which means what do I want today because no one is offered tomorrow for a certainty.  When I think about what I really want, there are only three things, one I want to see my children with joy in their lives, I see a lot of that in them now, I want to see more.  Two, I want to do something more with my writing, I have some ideas and I am researching them... I will see what comes of it all and third, I want to be able to see my David, I want to have a gigantic bear hug from him with those huge arms of his... I always felt safe in them... that way I could lay my head on his chest and just feel him breathe, than I could breathe that way again before everything changed.

I think it is funny when we sit down and really think about what we want and none of them usually entail material items... not that it's wrong to want things, they are just not what is most important to me.  My wants are the simple things in life, the things that give me happiness and joy... the long term kind.  I don't want instant gratification, that never brought any lasting joy.  It actually has left me feeling emptier than before I started... which than had me looking for bigger things to fill that empty spot. None of which worked, since the empty part of me needed to be filled with love, not things.

Writing helps me to put my thoughts together in cohesive patterns where I work issues out, I feel like if I didn't write... I wouldn't have been able to come as far as I have... I see that I sometimes slide back into old patterns but I find that because I write, I don't stay in them as long, I find the way out of it sooner.  I find for me that writing my emotions down, free me..

The one about my children is what every parent wants in this world... I want my children to have joy... I want them to do better than I did as I did better than my parents.  I am thrilled when they excel at whatever they do, that is what brings me joy... knowing my children have joy in their lives.  I feel blessed to have my children... I am grateful that I was able to be there mommy or mama.

The one about David is simple, he gives the best hugs I have ever had... they are the kind that you are totally wrapped up by the other person, where time seems to stand still and all you can hear is the thumping of the other persons heart... and it's enough, just being able to breathe without so much tension.  When I thought about what I wanted, I just want to breathe without the tension that is there now... I want to feel that relaxed again one day.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What I Search For I Will Find

Today was a bit of a write off, after not sleeping most of the week... I slept in a bit this morning.  Mind you, I didn't really sleep well last night... I had a dream that felt so real, I was running away in the dream and part of me knew it wasn't real and even though I was in a nice deep sleep, I somehow forced myself to wake up.  I was semi relieved to find out that it was just a dream after all... It wasn't a scary dream, it was a confrontational one, I guess I dreamt this because I have been tying to figure out how to confront an issue in my life.  Usually I am not afraid, I say what I am feeling... hopefully without hurting anyone (that is never something I want to do) but this one means so much more.

After waking up from my dream, I felt it was time to take a bubble bath so that I could just relax, it felt amazing.  I read all the new blogs I follow, I have some very talented blogging friends...  that took me nearly an hour and half to get up-to-date.  I then took my Valentina to buy her a new scooter, she has always loved them, this is her fourth one that she has had.  She was outside for well over an hour scootering... I call her my scooter girl, I love watching her ride it with her long hair flowing behind her.  If it is nice tomorrow, I plan to take some pictures of her on it. 

Tomorrow will be a bit of a me day, I plan to cook a nice meal for Valentina but most of the day I am going to blog. I have some catch up posts I want to write, I need some time where I am not running to do this errand or that errand. I have had a few a ha moments from The Purpose Driven Life, I want to be fresh so that I can write my thoughts clearly.

I have also been wanting to update My Jar Of Happy Memories, for a little while.  I have a few items from this year... one of the main items is that I am very happy that I was able to have the surgery to fix my leg, I am happy that I didn't have major complications, I am happy to be back at work (all my co-workers made me feel so loved.  I plan to fill that jar with as many happy memories from this year... I am working hard on finding the joy in my life, it is paying off.  The more I look for the joy, the more it shows up in my life... the same goes for whatever you search for you will find.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥