We Can Be Healed From Our Brokenness

It's been a very long time since I have sat down at my computer to write, I am not even sure why it has taken so long, I think constantly about writing but I had difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I keep thinking about how I have been holding onto anger and disappointment for a long time, I haven't been angry at anyone, more angry with my situation. It leaves me feeling guilty because I am well aware that there are people handling things much more difficult in life than I am. 

I guess I thought my life was headed in another direction, I had worked so hard to be healthy so that I could eventually travel and see all the places I have desired to see. Instead I am semi trapped in my home without the ability to leave when I want to, I have to plan a trip out to the store or the doctors and hope that I can handle it until I can make it home. I am forever grateful that I can work from home, I think about how much worse it could be for me if I wasn't blessed in that way. I count my blessings daily because I know deep down how lucky I am.

I remembered a talk that was given by a member of my church many years ago about how although we may be broken in many ways, physically with our bodies, emotionally with our hearts and often our minds.... these are tests and trials we have to deal with to grow. Growth is never easy, if it was was we wouldn't appreciate it, we would believe it was simple ... I remember when I was in my 20's and my baby sister was dealing with an abusive relationship, you know what I thought... she just needs to leave... I had no empathy.  I was almost angry that she stayed in that situation for as long as she did... Then I met Andrey and I grew to understand how come she stayed... I gained empathy and I knew it was incredibly strong of her to finally leave. With the empathy I gained, I too found the strength to leave. 

Sometimes life throws us curves, ones we don't understand why we have to deal with them... we shut down, hold on to anger, close people out because we feel like no one would understand... we think that people will just say grow up, deal with it... someone has it harder than you do... when all that we need is kindness, empathy and love.  We are all dealing with trials or tests that seem so unbearable we are sure we won't make it through to the other side and once we do, we gain knowledge that we never would have gained without going through it. It's not easy, it's tougher than we know but ultimately what we gain is so much more than what the trial was... 

I think about my mom and dad losing their daughter Kimberly at such a young age, she was a little over three... it nearly destroyed them but my mother came through it stronger and knowing that she would see Kimberly again one day... my father instead was an alcoholic and drug addicted, doing everything he could not to deal with the loss ... he was sad and broken, it took me years to see that, I used to think, why doesn't he just get it together... he didn't know how... I believe both my parents have seen Kimmy once they passed on... 

What all this makes me think about is do I want to live my life, sad... angry... disappointed because it doesn't seem like my life is turning out the way I had hoped and planned? Or do I want to remember that although I feel broken in many ways, I can be healed and still find wonderful things to be happy about and feel blessed for... I may not travel the way I had hoped but I can take the time to know people from those places and learn about their heritage... I am so much more blessed then I tend to remember. Although I have had trials and tests that broke me at times, I have found the meaning and healed .... we can all be healed from our brokenness...

 

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Life Is A Beautiful Struggle

Since I have been waiting to see the doctor, I have almost been in limbo... I know that she won't be able to figure out immediately what my issue is and truthfully I am frustrated. Part of me is fearful that it may take a long time for a diagnosis... if there is even one. I am trying to be positive and hopeful that she will be able to find a solution to my pain. The whole thing is depressing me, making me feel as if this is it and there might not be a way out.

I don't want to think like that but I know people who live with chronic pain... I have and I have had empathy for them, with a great deal of gratitude that it wasn't one of my trials. I couldn't imagine how they dealt with it, now that I have been dealing with it, it brings tears to my eyes... and I am saddened that many people have to handle such physical burdens. Once again life has intervened and thrown another wrench it to change it again.

I thought because I had to cope with one struggle after another and since I didn't end up with the dreams I had hoped for... I believed I deserved a life without debilitating trials, I wanted to travel in a few years. Once Valentina was grown up, I had nothing holding me here anymore... I figured maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I didn't believe that if I was with someone that I could travel to wherever I wanted to... whenever I wanted...

We don't always get what we think we deserve and life continues to give us trials ...  often they don't make sense until long after we get through them. I believe if I had the choice to take other paths in my life, knowing what I know now...  I wouldn't go down other paths. Truthfully if I was asked while I was going through them I would have run in another direction as quickly as possible... it only makes sense much later with deep reflection. I never did figure out why losing 'him' from my life was needed, I just ended up putting it on a back burner... otherwise, it would have destroyed me.

With my health deteriorating ... it has me questioning why? Not that there is an answer, it's just another challenge I have to cope with. I might sound a little selfish here but frankly, I don't want to go through this, for once I wanted one of my dreams to work out... I never took my health for granted, especially in the past couple of years where I worked so hard to be healthy, I felt blessed that I had put it all together at one time after many years.

One conclusion I have come to over and over but more now than ever, if there is something you want to do in your life, do it... don't wait. There will never be a good time, something will always come up. I often let everyday living take over, instead of seizing the opportunity... I do know that if I can get my health back on track, I won't be waiting for anything, I will just do the things I've dreamed of... hopefully, I will be given the opportunity to follow those dreams and more ...

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Life Is A Circle Of Feelings

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes, they were incredibly sweet... I had a quiet birthday with Valentina, which ended up being exactly what I wanted. I wasn't able to go para sailing as I had originally wished but I wasn't able to find someone to go with... and we ended up having massive thunder and lightening... so I am sure I will get there in time. 

Also, thank you all for the encouragement to keep working towards being organized, I spent Friday with that lady who helped me before, we were able to clean and organize all six closets. Most of the time was spent on Valentina's two closets, teenagers can be pack rats and so messy. I allowed her to have some say as it is her room but I encouraged her to purge as much as possible. Her two closets took more time than the four other closets combined. 

I feel like by being organized that first I feel lighter, I instantly know where my items are and I want to keep it up, second it's easier to clean when there isn't so many items in the way. With all this, I am encouraged to keep eating healthy, which is even more of a reason to keep this up. The exercise is really coming along slowly due to the weight gain which causes pain, however; I have lost some weight by eating properly and I believe it will get easier with time once I lose a little bit more weight. I have decided that a bike is a good way for me to go, it will be less stress on my knees and help my quads to become stronger. That way I can take a couple of bike rides down the trail each day. 

I've had a major challenge that normally would have put me into a tailspin where I would have just ate so that I wouldn't have to feel the sadness and pain but I don't want to fall backwards and I know eating won't help me in the long run, I would just feel more unhealthy and uncomfortable... I am in charge of how I feel and how I will react. Just because someone accepted less doesn't mean that I have too... actually I have to say I feel sorry for the people that accept much less then they deserve. 

With saying all this I will always be there for those people, if a person realizes the choices that they made were not really the best, they need for their family/friends to just be there for them... no judgement ... we all make poor choices in our lives and honestly it is easier to admit it if you know you have someone who will never judge you and try to tell you they told you so... Forgiveness really comes with letting it go and not trying to be the right one... 

I know life is about trials that bring emotions we need to learn how to handle... because if we don't figure out how to deal with them, they just keep coming back to us until we do understand... This past month of organizing has given me a clarity, having less clutter really frees me up to deal with emotions I have buried... ones that were too painful to deal with at the time. Life really is a circle of feelings, knowing this reminds me that sadness really can turn into joy in time...

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Making Room For My New Life

We had a long weekend here in Canada, I was excited as I planned to sleep in a couple of the days... of course that didn't happen, however; I did get a lot of things done that I had on my list. I had a couple of ladies I know come to my home early this evening and we cleaned out my office, preparing for me to work from home in the near future. It is amazing how much stuff we hold on to... I found things I had not seen since I moved in here almost 8 years ago... I purged so much of it, it felt wonderful.  My motto is if I have not used it in the last 6 months, it is going. 

I am working on that with Valentina too... she tends to hold onto stuff and it just clutters her room. I know many people will say to me it is her room and I just need to close the door... she will learn to pick up after herself. Unfortunately that is not how it works with her, her room gets out of control and then she tends to leave it in many parts of the house. She went swimming today with a friend and she needed her lock, we had to go through all the bags she has and we found it with many of the other items she was missing...  I told her that her room is next on the list and that she really needs to think about what is important. 

Frankly if it is important, you will take care of it, you will know were it is... it will not be at the bottom of closet or in a bag with garbage in it... When I decided that working from home is very important to me, I knew I had to do whatever possible to make it happen. At first I believed it was moving to a new place but once I found out that Valentina will be needing braces for a few years I had to rethink what I actually needed. I still wanted to work from home and a way was suggested, I decided then and there to make it happen, not wait until I was given the green light... 

I think waiting would have meant stressing myself out at the last minute... I have become comfortable with my bed in the living room and by staying here, I have been forced to rid my house of unnecessary items... so I realized I never had to move, I had to change my thought patterns thinking that I needed more. Having more wouldn't have made me happy... Can you imagine if I had found the place, moved in and then found out about Valentina's teeth?... everything happens for a reason.  I needed to see that I had enough... more than enough. 

I'm content with where I am right now, I can see that it will be much less stress that I stay here... it is close to the grocery store, the dentist, the beautiful walking trail, major malls... I am able to walk to many of these places. I am looking forward to making it happen as soon as possible... Hopefully before the summer is over, I don't want to travel another winter and I want to be home for Valentina... sometimes we need to make concessions to have what we really need... 

I remember reading many years ago that if you want something in your life, you need to make room for it... that is why I decided to get prepared for this change in my life... This made me think about how I have cluttered other parts of my life so that I don't have room for change... It is time for me really think about what is important and what I can and cannot live with out, only then I will be able to make the room for what I really need in my life. 

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