I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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Life Is A Beautiful Struggle

Since I have been waiting to see the doctor, I have almost been in limbo... I know that she won't be able to figure out immediately what my issue is and truthfully I am frustrated. Part of me is fearful that it may take a long time for a diagnosis... if there is even one. I am trying to be positive and hopeful that she will be able to find a solution to my pain. The whole thing is depressing me, making me feel as if this is it and there might not be a way out.

I don't want to think like that but I know people who live with chronic pain... I have and I have had empathy for them, with a great deal of gratitude that it wasn't one of my trials. I couldn't imagine how they dealt with it, now that I have been dealing with it, it brings tears to my eyes... and I am saddened that many people have to handle such physical burdens. Once again life has intervened and thrown another wrench it to change it again.

I thought because I had to cope with one struggle after another and since I didn't end up with the dreams I had hoped for... I believed I deserved a life without debilitating trials, I wanted to travel in a few years. Once Valentina was grown up, I had nothing holding me here anymore... I figured maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I didn't believe that if I was with someone that I could travel to wherever I wanted to... whenever I wanted...

We don't always get what we think we deserve and life continues to give us trials ...  often they don't make sense until long after we get through them. I believe if I had the choice to take other paths in my life, knowing what I know now...  I wouldn't go down other paths. Truthfully if I was asked while I was going through them I would have run in another direction as quickly as possible... it only makes sense much later with deep reflection. I never did figure out why losing 'him' from my life was needed, I just ended up putting it on a back burner... otherwise, it would have destroyed me.

With my health deteriorating ... it has me questioning why? Not that there is an answer, it's just another challenge I have to cope with. I might sound a little selfish here but frankly, I don't want to go through this, for once I wanted one of my dreams to work out... I never took my health for granted, especially in the past couple of years where I worked so hard to be healthy, I felt blessed that I had put it all together at one time after many years.

One conclusion I have come to over and over but more now than ever, if there is something you want to do in your life, do it... don't wait. There will never be a good time, something will always come up. I often let everyday living take over, instead of seizing the opportunity... I do know that if I can get my health back on track, I won't be waiting for anything, I will just do the things I've dreamed of... hopefully, I will be given the opportunity to follow those dreams and more ...

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Nothing Is Impossible With Change

I don't think I can explain how good it feels to be organized, since I have made that a priority I have had the time and desire to plan my meals. I know what I have and I know where everything is... every night I come home from work I immediately go to the kitchen, start preparing a meal that I have planned.  I never go to bed without washing dishes, it is so nice to wake up to a clean kitchen. I can feel some opposition from myself at times but I push through and I am happy when I do. I end up enjoying my evenings so much more as I can relax and enjoy whatever I plan on doing. 

Valentina isn't as thrilled with it as I am reminding her often of what she needs to do to help me keep up.  Her room still isn't completely organized but that is on the top of my list on Friday... I have a vacation day and I am going to spend it with the lady who has helped me organize before. I think if Valentina can have a place for everything, she will feel like keeping it that way... I am well aware of how overwhelming it can be when you have an abundance of items and no idea where to put them.

I feel like I am on the path I had strayed from after the new year... the exercise is coming slowly but I am okay with that for now as I want to work up to daily activity so that one it will be a way of life again and two I won't go overboard and injure myself... especially since I have put weight on... The really good thing is that I feel better about my food choices and physically I am feeling better with those decisions. I have made a commitment to myself which I know is the only way to be successful... the truth is no one can do it for me... 

Next Saturday is my birthday and I have some plans for this milestone... none of the ideas I have include cake or treating myself. I think that is great for some people... for me I need to stay focused and honestly I am quite thrilled with the food that I am eating, I am enjoying the flavor that comes from good fruit and vegetables ... I am not feeling the least bit restricted, I am more aware of what I am eating and appreciating it more. 

I won't be using my blog to write about how much weight I lose... I will write about what is working for me and how I am feeling from week to week... Besides how much weight I lose is not as important as how I feel... I believe that making small changes will build on bigger changes which will ultimately help me to be more successful. I have always known that losing weight isn't the most difficult thing, maintaining it is the trial... I have confidence that it is possible if I continue to have a strong desire. 

What I learned from the past 6-7 months of eating as I pleased and not allowing myself to be aware is that whether I like to admit it or not... it was a decision I made. I also know it's important not to blame myself for poor choices, if I change them that is the best way to move on... will I fall again? More than likely but I am more mindful and with the knowledge I have, it means I can't really allow myself to fall too far and say it's impossible to turn the choice around... I know the truth, it is possible...

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Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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Enjoy The View

"I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view."

- Michael York
This quote above is true... it seems we all want a clear sailing path without the rejection or sadness but what would we learn from having a life that never had real growth opportunities?  Would we truly be happy, joyful and grateful?  I know we would all like to think that we would, I would hope that I had those qualities... However; I have seen in my own life that when things are wonderful, I tend to get lost in myself and I stop giving of me to others as I should.  Not on purpose by any means... I think trials are sometimes given to me to remind me that I am here for a higher purpose or reason than just to make myself happy.

Although I am not thrilled to admit this to myself, I would not be honest if I didn't admit that many of the trials I have gone through, I have brought on myself by poor decisions.  I know as a mother that when one of my children has made a choice that wasn't appropriate, I have had to give out consequences... In the past I was the kind of parent that would just give in because I didn't want to deal with the fall out of what discipline can bring but I have learned that unless I am firm with my resolve and I learn to understand that I am not showing love my giving in, I am showing that there are no real consequences to their actions.

I liken this to myself because although I don't want to see my children unhappy and uncomfortable, I do want them to know that a lot of the time they can avoid these feelings by making better choices in their lives.  I didn't have very good roll models when I was growing up with Ruth my ex step mother and my father.  My father let us do whatever, he was like a big teenager and he was never really a parent... case in point, when my mother and father reunited when I was fifteen, my dad didn't just let us smoke or drink, he actually bought these for us...  WOW... at the time I thought this was cool... yeah... once I became a parent I thought this was insane...  and Ruth, well let's just say she isn't really worth my words or time. 

Instead of rewarding bad behavior, I show love... I sometimes think that some of the trials we are given are to show us love... there is no trial that is easy but those trials we bring on ourselves seem the hardest to handle.  Instead of focusing on the trials lately, I have been enjoying the view along that path, the trial won't last forever and I want to learn the lesson I need to, so that I will stop repeating the poor choices I have made in the past.

This is not to say that there are not trials that happen that absolutely none of us deserve, some that are almost beyond comprehension but I have learned that although painful, there is always something that I come away with and it almost invariably strengthens me.  It's like that story about how we are always being refined and polished to become the best person we are capable of becoming, which is truly much more than we are really aware of....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥