Lately I can't seem to focus, I try but my mind just wanders; I know it has a lot to do with how many things I have on the go. I should be focusing much better this year, I don't think I could ask for a better year end at work, so much less stressful than the past two. Although talking on the phone can be boring at times, at least I don't have the pressure other people do.
Yet I can't focus, well... that's not really true, I can focus, just not on what I need too. Everyone says how happy I am, since I smile and laugh all the time, that is all due to one person. All I have to do is think about them and it puts me in a fantastic mood.
Someone close to me made me feel awful today, they said I was thinking only of myself. This is not true, I think very little of myself, I am concerned for other people often. I am happy though and I was hoping they would be happy for me too... sadly not true. I finally came to the realization that this was their issue, not mine. I have certainly given very much of me to them for many years and just because I want to actually think about my own happiness, they feel I am selfish.
So, tonight I have been sitting here thinking and realizing I may need to focus on a couple of things that will get me to where I want to be. First and foremost I want to start reading and studying the book Women Food and God... I gained so much from it the last time. Second I want to put more of myself into work by starting to take more courses that will help me to grow in my positon and thirdly I want to be happy with my decsions. I want to know that I gave the best of myself and not have regrets.
I think the funniest thing of all is that my seven year old daughter doesn't think there is anything wrong with how happy I am and why, she is so kind and giving. When I cook food, she always asks, how much is for us and how much is for someone else. She has told me often that she is on my side and that she loves me. She is so wise beyond her years. Other people who are adults focus on the negative and say I am too selfish, so funny that a seven year old can see more clearly than an adult.