I have had one of the worst weeks of my life for the past couple of years, I have come to a realization that I seem to make the worst choices, ones that never end up making me happy in the long run. I have no one else to blame for where I am but me. This makes me sad that I cannot trust myself or my intuition about people, for all my need to really figure people out, I understand them even less than I thought possible.
I think all of this comes from my insecurities, starting when I was a child when my step mother did all she could to break my spirit and then my ex husband finished off where she ended. Hmm... makes me wonder why I let people destroy me? The men I have chosen to love, only two, have disappointed me and made me re-think what my future holds.
I think the future holds me being alone, apparently I am not meant to have anyone truly love me and this makes me incredibly sad. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I have never felt this in my life. I have chased it and hoped for it, yet it has eluded me. Why is that the unimportant things come to me but what I want more then anything, never materializes.
Where did I go wrong, ever believing that since I am a kind, caring and loving person that I would ever have what I wanted and needed more than anything else. Also, just because I would never hurt another person does not mean that other people are beyond doing that to someone. It doesn't matter how giving you are, as I have proven that; some people don't care, they just don't see how much some people give of themselves.