What I Honestly Need

This past week has been a complete eye opener for me, I am beginning to believe that I should be having counseling a couple of days a week.  Apparently seeing her 3 times a month isn't cutting it. I really need to find out why I make some of the choices I make, it's like I jump in blind with both feet and then I sit in the aftermath wondering how I got there?  I don't know even know what to think about the past week, it's been surreal and I just don't understand people or situations. Nothing makes sense anymore, it's like I almost can't believe anything I think or feel since I realize that I have sabotaged myself again and I truly believed in something.

I just never thought that I could be so wrong about something in my entire life.  Yes I married Andrey when everything around me told me not to but this is different, I didn't have the same opposition, it was almost opposite, so I believed and fought for what I was so sure of.  Now I wonder how I could be so wrong, why was I blind?  A month ago I would have been beyond crushed and sobbing but right now I am just perplexed and I can't even really feel. I think I am afraid to feel because what if I do and I finally cry, what if I can't stop?  I guess that is why I do all that I can do not to feel.

Unfortunately from the past I know that I will eventually have to deal with it, I am sure that will be a big thud and not pretty. Then I get to live with my regrets for what I did to cover the pain, we all do that, be it with watching too much TV, drinking, swearing... etc, either way, I am trying not to feel right now, hoping that it will be easier with time.

Honestly what I need is honesty.  Plain and simple, without it just leaves people always wondering.  I don't know what anyone would gain by not being honest.  I just need to get to a point that I have to let it all go and I don't want to do that, I feel too much right now and even though I am disappointed I don't want to just give up without working on it one more time, actually take the time to explain things, to make it clear.

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