Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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A Better Choice For Me

I had a very good week of exercise, I walked 6 of the last 7 days and a few of those days were nice long walks. Joining up with the two challenges I did really helped to motivate me, I don't need a contest where I can win something, just having others that are in the same situation who encourage and inspire each other, getting healthy is winning anyway. It isn't about who can get the most steps, it is about each of us individually doing our best. We have a goal of about 12,000 steps per day but if we don't reach it, we praise each other for what we have done and inspire each other to do better the next day.

It feels good to be motivated again, it was a long road for me to work myself back to the path I was on... I am no where near where I was and I am aware it will take me a long time to get back there. For the time being, I am not even looking at speed as much as I am looking at distance. I have slowed down but started walking longer distances... I think it is the best way for me to build up my stamina again... going too quickly could one, injure me and two, tire me out quickly where I won't feel like exercising daily.  There is plenty of time in the future to get my speed back up to where it was and beyond.

I have put it out in the universe that I am looking for a three bedroom apartment, it has become imperative for me to work from home, I have a few people looking out for places and I even discussed it with my boss... he said he would help push it through for me to work from home since I have all the stats and I'm able to work on my own.  I understand it will be a whole new lifestyle but for me, it would be so worth it... first I could sleep in an extra hour in the morning, second I would not have that nearly three hour trip of travel time daily and third most importantly I would be there for Valentina when she left in the morning and when she came home.

Many of my colleagues have told me that they couldn't do it as they are way too social... ahh... there are not too many people more social than I am... I don't actually go to work to hang out with people, I go to work to do my job... I can still attend outside work functions when they come up. I would actually be more likely to go to them as I would have the time and the desire. I need the third room for an office, I would love opening the door up, doing my job and then closing it at the end of the day and being home. It would give me time to prepare dinner on my lunch and I could go for a walk after work and still be home at a decent hour. It is a total win/win for me...

This has become incredibly important to me as I feel it is much more essential for me to be engaged in my life, then traveling endlessly back and forth. Life is insanely short, I am irritated by wasting it by constantly running and waiting for buses... sitting in endless busy traffic. I read a few blog posts this week about finding out what our purpose is and I honestly don't believe it entails my sitting on a bus day after day until I retire... I get more disillusioned over time, thinking this is not what my life was supposed to be like...

When I pondered that, I realized I am the only one who is in control of changing that, I can sit her and complain about the wasted hours of my life or I can do everything possible to bring about a different path... I have to decide what I want and I have determined it is very important to put myself first and make my life a little bit easier so that I can have a lot more fun and so that I can be there for Valentina for those tough teenage years... This is a choice I'm making it's better for her and for me... 

 
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Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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My Faith Will Be Bigger Than My Fears

I have been wanting to write for the last week, each time I would think tonight would be the night... I would have had a very stressful day at work, I also ended up having vertigo 3 days in the last week and I have been spending a lot of time organizing my social media. First and foremost the physio therapist has given me the green light to start walking again... now if the weather would cooperate, unfortunately there has been a great deal of rain, the long range forecast looks pretty good for now, which I am looking forward to... Second, I have been sabotaging myself when it comes to food.  I am not even sure why, I know I have to figure out why so that I can continue on my healthy path. 

I have had small dips here and there over the past couple of years but this has been a big long dip, I am not sure what it will take... I know that once I get walking again, I will have something more to focus on other than sitting in front of a TV... Here's the funny thing, I don't even like the TV, I find it boring and monotonous, I actually don't watch full shows, I just have it on while I do my social media on my phone. However; that is not a good excuse for me to just throw everything I have learned away. 

There are going to be tough times in my life, food isn't the answer to those issues. I am not berating myself or thinking I am a failure in any way... I just need to figure out a better way to handle disappoints and trials. Walking these past few years has really had me focused, I never even knew how much it kept me on the path until I couldn't do it. I have to learn other methods because as much as I love walking, it isn't always going to be feasible. I don't know what the answer is yet but that is what I am working on at the moment. 

I have had a lot on my mind and I feel like I am at a crossroads, which I think we all come to often in our lives...some bigger than others. In the past I usually let circumstances take over and make the decision of which path I will follow as I never find it easy to make decisions. I know, not always the best way to deal with choices... I can think of a couple of choices in my life that were made for me because I refused to make them for myself... the aftermath of those choices being made for me were life changing and not always in a good way... what did I learn from them?

That is why I am thinking about the place I am in my life and looking down those paths and choices I have. I always thought I was the girl that needed stability... even if it was boring. When my father would up and move to another province or country in a heartbeat or change jobs on a whim... I would think, how does he sleep at night, isn't he worried about what might happen with the choices he made? However; in the last few years, I have come to understand him a great deal more... although he didn't face his past head on... he did live his life the way he wanted to...

I know I have spent my life not making choices because I was too concerned what people might think or say... but as I grow older and understand more and more that the life we have been given was meant to live, to explore and grow. We all have different paths in our lives and no one should tell us which one to take because they feel they know what is best for us... I know the path I want to take, I just need to figure out how to get there... and the truth is that I believe if it is meant to be, a way will be made... My faith just has to be bigger than me fears...

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Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.

 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 

 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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The Choice To Help Or Hinder Our Progress

This weekend I accomplished another goal I had made about 5 months ago, I never spoke about it, I just decided that I was going to complete it by the Fall. I have been exercising a great deal for the past few months and walking has been my main method as I have come to enjoy it a great deal. Most of you know that I have a Fitbit that keeps track of my steps, I have even walked 10 miles through out the day once or twice. Last week I made a decision that I was going to get in at least 25,000 steps on this Saturday past. The first thing I did was buy groceries earlier in the week, I did the laundry on Friday... I made sure there would be no excuses for me to not complete this goal.

So, I not only achieved the 25,000 steps, I made it to 30,000 steps for the day... I set myself up for success by being prepared, by walking practically everyday and building up strength and by not using any excuses. It was quite a bit more than I have done previously, I had made it to 20,000 steps a few times in the past... I ended up having to walk a total of 14 miles for the day. I have to tell you, I feel great... I was sure I would not be able to walk the next day but I went right back out and walked 6 miles today beating my last time by 3 minutes from 2 weeks ago. 

I remember a few short years ago I was so unhealthy, I rarely walked more than a few blocks, I smoked, I only ate salad that was drowned in salad dressing and other veggies were an occasional occurrence. Today I regularly walk 3-6 miles per day, I don't smoke, salad dressing is a rare item and vegetables are a daily food that I love to eat. Of course I eat food that isn't always super healthy but it is within moderation and definitely not daily anymore.

I am really thankful that I had that a ha moment in May of 2013, the one that 'he' unknowingly ignited in me ... the one that got me started on a path I will be forever grateful for being on today. 'He' might have got me started on the path but it took my own strength and determination to stay there and do the hard work. To really stop looking for excuses not to do the work.... I say that because I look back to when I used to put in some effort to lose the weight over the years, invariably it wasn't about a life change, it was until I hit a certain mark. 

Whatever clicked in me that day has never left me completely. I continue to want to keep working and being my best as I never want to go back to that unhealthy girl that was sad in ways that I ate so that I didn't have to feel. Today I walk and write when the sadness shows up... both are much more conducive to reaching and maintaining my goals. Is it easy? I will never say that, the easy way would be giving up and giving into the sadness and food but I won't do that anymore. 

 

Whenever I think I don't have time or that I won't be able to accomplish it because of my age or the many other reasons I might come up with, I remind myself of the quote above that is very true, we all have the same 24 hours in the day, it is what we choose to do with them that matters. I need to work on other aspects of my life such as decluttering my home which I won't make excuses for as I prioritized other things as more important for now. Besides none of us are perfect, we are always a work in progress... forever making choices that will change us in ways that will will either help or hinder our progress. Today I choose to help my progress by making the choice to be better...

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The Choice To Numb It Or Feel It

I have to say I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days and there seemed like one thing after another that came up. Saturday I spent at a conference, it was very good and something that I am grateful I attended. It was about wellness in all forms... I think we all need to hear more about how to care for ourselves better. So then when I got home that night I needed to do laundry as I had been neglecting it due to the vast amount of exercise I have been doing. 

 

Then Sunday came around and I went to church, caught up on many of my blogs and then took a 5 mile walk with a friend. I was quite wiped out by the time I got back. You'd think I would have been able to sleep... but no... I am still waking up 3 to 5 times per night. It doesn't even seem to matter that I am eating great and exercising nearly every single day... Oh well, I am sure I will be able to sleep through a full night one of these days. 

Just a quick update with my exercise, I am still going strong, I walked over 40 miles last week, I do feel better for it, as well I was able to drop some of the weight I had gained in July. Although I do want to lose pounds, it is not the most important thing, getting healthy by exercising daily and eating consciously is my main focus... everything else can and will follow. What I really want to gain from keeping my lifestyle changes is being healthy emotionally. 

This past week has been a reflective one, I was thinking about what I wrote last week wondering if I really meant it...?  Then I remembered a quote about how we just need to fake it until we make it... I also realize that the longer I stay away from attempting to date, the harder it will be to go back. I can be a girl of excuses but I don't want to be her anymore... that girl with all the excuses was in a difficult place, one I never thought I would rise from.

Yet I did rise, and even though I am not completely hopeful that love will ever come my way, I know that if I don't put myself out there, it more than likely won't happen. Also a good friend reminded me that all I have to do is look back and see how far I have come... Difficult challenges are going to come, I know there are people that have dealt with trials I have no idea how they made it through, each day I am inspired with how they have overcome something and grown beyond what they thought they could ever have dealt with.

 

Remember that saying that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle...? I was reminded that wasn't true, he actually gives us a little more so that we stretch and grow. The real question is if we want to grow...?  If we don't want to, we have the choice to give into the pain... however; I am here to say that numbing the pain only lasts so long, eventually we all have to deal with it... I know from personal experience that most times dealing with the pain, isn't nearly as bad as numbing it...

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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

 

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.

So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.

I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....

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I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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Loving Myself For Who I Fought To Become

This has been a really busy week, more busy than normal, hence why it has taken me a little longer to write than usual. At the moment we are in the midst of massive snow storm here in Nova Scotia, so I decided to just relax and write. Just in case the power decides to go out, which it may because of the high winds. This storm has been talked about for days and I took the opportunity to get prepared, I spent yesterday, shopping, doing all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning.... it feels good that I am organized and cleaned up.

As everyone knows who reads my blog, I have decided to come out of my comfort zone on many levels. The first thing I did was I attended a Valentine dance on Friday night, yes I knew people that were there but I did not go with anyone, I went on my own. I had some fun and danced a little, I just don't want to be the girl who comes home on Friday night and does nothing... That is not fun to me, that will not help me to move forward... I needed to make some changes and I am grateful I have.

I am also not a girl who likes having my picture taken, believe me I have been known to flip out if someone takes my picture and I am not ready... as well I always want to have the last say to which ones are shown. I used to be so adept at ducking pictures ... I have ones at work where you can only see my hair... lol... and never a full length picture. Finally, I have changed that part of myself and I am allowing more pictures to be taken, even though I am not at what I consider to be my 'perfect' weight. I decided that if I waited for that, I might never have my picture taken. I want my children and grandchildren to have memories of me that they can see.

I love that first quote I added above about loving the person I have become as I fought hard to  become her. A few short years ago I never would have posed for a full length picture and I most certainly never would have posted it on line... This has been quite the journey I have been on, it all started with me making the decision to change what I was not happy about and sticking with it. Of course there are days I stray as I am human but I won't allow myself to ever give up on me again. I am worthy of the hard work I have put in and I will continue to do this for me.

This last quote resonated with me as it is very true, we are all more alike than we realize... we have our differences that make us unique but truthfully we all have had tragedies, love, happiness, sadness... Sometimes it is hard to see that we have had good when we feel like the hard times outweigh them. Do you know what writing has done for me? It makes me see that I have had some incredibly wonderful and happy times in my life and I know I will again... Of course hard times will come again and I hope that by writing about how I deal with or have dealt with them in the past... it will help me to overcome them with a better outlook.

When I first started writing back in July 2009, I never believed so many people would read my words... I wrote more for myself as I had lost me and I wanted to change that, the road was long and it was pretty difficult. There were times I wondered if I would make it through but I have and I changed so many things that I never even thought I could. That is why I continue to write, I know that by writing I have grown beyond anything I ever thought possible, I have come to know so many people in the world and saw just how alike we really are, how much we want to be accepted for who we are and mostly how much we want to be loved, no matter how many mistakes we make. 

I hope we all remember that first quote about loving the person we have become because we fought to become him or her... 

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A Dream Without Work Is Just A Dream

I have read often and in many places that it takes 21 days to create good habits or break bad habits. Either way I am into my 18th day still going strong... I have walked for a little over 14 hours and that equates to almost 50 miles. It hasn't been easy and there have been days that I thought it was too slippery, too cold, too hard (just excuses for me). Each time those thoughts came into my head, I asked myself what I wanted more? Did I want more excuses that held me back from change or did I want results that showed true change.

The answer always came back that I wanted results that showed true change, I pushed through day after day of cold, bad weather and aches and pains... my reward was losing 15 pounds ... as well I proved to myself that I am not a quitter, when I make a commitment and hold myself accountable, I succeed. I want to thank each of you who have either inspired me by your hard work and for all the encouragement along the way. Ultimately it comes down to my getting up and showing up but it makes it that much easier when I have people that are encouraging me continually.

It helps me that I have had success in the past but it didn't make it simple to get myself back on the path... life happens and it is so easy to take our eye of the goal with all the trials and challenges that are put in front of us to deal with. I want to be bigger than any trial or challenge and that means I have to be present in each moment. There were days as there will always be days that life becomes incredibly overwhelming but I don't want those days to define my long term commitments to myself.

I also think that for me, getting in shape physically and becoming healthy is only a small part of the changes I need to make. I don't talk about or discuss my faith with many people, not because I am ashamed, as I am not ashamed. I am grateful for my beliefs and knowledge. However; saying that I also think each person has their own personal beliefs and I want to respect that in others as I would want them to respect that in me.

Last week I attended my church service, it had been a long time... the gifted speakers challenged each of us to make a change to get fit physically, emotionally and spiritually. A couple of weeks before I attended church, I had asked myself some hard questions ... was I happy where I was? would I be happy in the future if I kept on the path I was on?... I knew the answer was no and that meant I had to make the necessary changes in myself if I ever hoped to have a different outcome. Then I attended my church service, there were the talks about what I had already made the commitment to a couple of weeks before, which showed me that I was on the right path, it felt good.

Life and challenges are going to get in the way, I am going to have to make the decision each and everyday I wake up to keep the commitment I have made to myself. Of course it will not be easy, of course I will fail from time to time but I am not allowing the minor failures to take away from my successes. I used to sit and dream of the life I wanted, now I get up and work for that dream daily. Dreaming is good but if you don't put the work in, it is just a dream...

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