Progessing Outside My Comfort Zone

I think I have way too much on my plate right now, I just keep adding to it... not a good thing to do when I went from having basically 24 hours per day free time to now having very little free time.  Since I have been back to work, I have watched maybe an hour of TV (not a bad thing).   However; I rarely have downtime for myself which means that I don't relax enough and in turn I don't sleep enough.

So, I read my fifth chapter of The Purpose Driven Life and I came away from it in tears again, once again, not a bad thing but I have decided not to blog about it daily... because I want to have some happy uplifting posts in between and although the book is a massive eye opener, it also has me highly emotional about what I have been learning.  I am still going to read and study the book but I am going to write about other things, except when I feel compelled to write about what I have learned.

I have really been enjoying being back at work, I am sure I will be tested with a nasty client soon but hey, that is a part of life.  I am totally enjoying being back and dealing my all my co-workers... I really missed them, they are my work family and they always make me feel pretty special.  I don't have issues of people backstabbing me at work, we all try to help each other out whenever we can.  We all have things we are good at, I am really amazing at helping clients with their issues for ROE's (record of employments).  The good thing is that whatever someone else is good at, they are willing to share with each of their co-workers too.

We have a great mixture of people on our teams now and I was really grateful to find the teams didn't change while I was gone, last year we had so much change all at once that it was a lot to deal with for me.  However; that change ended up being good in the long run since I ended up meeting so many new and wonderful people that were hired.  It just didn't seem like that at the time.... here's the whole thing, I know that soon it will be time for me to move on to another department in my company as I am one of the last one's on my team that has not changed positions.  Mainly because I am really comfortable and happy in my position.  I mean it's perfect for me, I love to talk and I get to talk for a living...  who could ask for more than that.

I do know that I won't grow any of my potential if I don't advance somewhere along the line, which my team leader has been getting me to think about for the last six months. I kept holding off because I don't like to feel uncomfortable in my job but if I don't go outside my comfort zone I will never progress... which is not what I really want for myself and not what the company wants for me.  This company is all about leaning and growing, they work with us to find the next move for our careers.  They are all about helping each of us grow to our potential in anyway hey can, I have never worked for a company like that...  the only person holding me back is me, it is not my company.

About a month ago I was talking to my David, he has been an acting Major in the army for the last year or so and he told me that they wanted him to consider working on becoming a Major... I was happy for him and said congratulations... he told me, he wasn't ready.  Now if you really knew my David and anyone who reads my blog knows a lot about him as I blog about him often.  He LOVES his career in the army, he takes his responsibilities seriously and give his job 100%, I love how dedicated he is.... yet he doesn't believe he is capable of that position... I told him if the army thought he was ready then he was and I really believe in him as well.

That was when I realized that I do the same thing about my job and I knew that it was time to believe in myself as much as my team leaders and bosses believe in me.  Although I know it will be difficult for me to leave my teammates and move on in my career... that is what I need to do to grow.... my David helped me see that and he didn't even know it... it was because I see his potential and I saw a little of me in him with the fear that he didn't think he was ready.... that is how I have been in the past.

I know that in the future my David will become the Major he is meant to be, it's just a matter of time until he believes what I know... and before too long, I will be in a learning mode again, feeling uncomfortable and growing because of it all.  The more uncomfortable I am, the more I will know I am meant to be there... if life was meant to be easy, we would never progress from grade to grade and then progress in our careers or anywhere in our lives. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Changing The Outcome To Change The Cycle

Faith precedes the miracle!

I feel like my life goes in circles, I learn a lesson, I feel enlightened and then I'm tested and often I fail. I try again and I go through the same cycle; constantly trying to change the outcome so that I don't end up back where I started. My goal is to move forward daily, doing better than the day before.

Some days I succeed, others I wonder if I'll make it through.  I feel selfish sometimes as I'm well aware that there are people in this world who have a much more difficult life than I do. People that have overwhelming challenges that blow me away.

When I constantly remind myself of this, it shows me just how blessed and lucky I am.  I unfortunately seem to be one of those people who need to have it driven home to me daily instead of having the faith to believe.

Until I learn to have faith, I will continually be caught in that vicious circle where I'll never find true happiness.  What if this is what I need to learn to have what I truly want?  What if I am holding myself back from the blessings that are waiting for me? 

What if the dream I've had for myself isn't big enough?  Am I letting fear holding me back?  I've been through the fire literally many times throughout my life, I could not have been saved for a mundane life, none of us were.

I need to be truly grateful for each and every trial I've had, otherwise I'll never learn the lesson and grow to my potential.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Being Me And Following A Prompting

I always try to be my real self, even when I feel that it's difficult to handle.  Mainly because I have no other way to be.  I've tried to cover how I feel, without success; I'm just a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, I know of no other way to be.

Believe me if I could figure out another way, I would have, however; I can be nothing less than authentic.  I don't write everything here, if I did I would shock people.  I only tell one person everything and that of course is my 'D'.

With everything being so strained between us for the last couple of months, I've had no outlet.  It's one of the reasons I started this cleanse, I had to be real with me.  Finally, I slowly started to talk with my 'D' again, it's been good.

All day Sunday I kept feeling the need to tell my David that I loved him.  I was afraid to tell him, afraid that it would cause us problems.  I put it off, the feeling wouldn't go away.  So last night he came on line, we talked, really talked and not just about the weather.  I finally got my nerve up and asked him if it was okay to tell him that I loved him as my friend?  He sent me a smile. 

I breathed, really breathed.  No matter what happens, we're going to be okay.  That makes me very happy, I needed to know that everything was good between us now. 

I followed a prompting and it felt awesome.  I know I should follow them more but I always think I know best, I'm happy that I was proven wrong.  I never want to be less than who I am with my David.  I need to be able to be real with someone other than myself, otherwise I'll never grow to my full potential.

In less than two weeks it will be my Andrea's birthday.  I will be on Facebook that one day as I want to send her a birthday wish from me and I'm writing a post about her.  Even though she and I have issues, we are very close.  She means the world to me and I'm so very proud of her, I love her insanely.

I used to think it would be impossible to love another child as much as I loved Andrea but I do, of course I love them differently but not more than the other. I'm incredibly grateful for my two daughters, both have helped me grow and both have taught me lessons.

I'm very grateful and very lucky.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Facing Adversity Head On

In the face of adversity, you do whatever it takes to endure. ~ Tony Volpentest

So today was a defining moment, I realized I have allowed myself to get out of control in certain aspects of my life.  I have to change the way I live immediately, I have nothing to rely on but myself.  Now we will see what I am truly made of... I hope I am as strong as I feel and as strong as people think I am .

There's so much going on in my mind right now, I just keep going around and around.  So yesterday I read the most inspiring message I think I have read in a very long time.   She wrote how all she saw and felt was negativity and that she had even been involved in it.  Consequently she and a few friends have started a Facebook campaign that I cannot wait to get involved with.  These people are making their updates about what they are grateful for, thankful for and happy about.

I think this is an awesome idea, we all need to put some positivity back out into the world, that is what will bring hope and joy.... not all the negativity that is spewed so easily.  Going forward today, when someone asks me how I am, I will say, I am wonderful, I am fantastic, I am amazing.  I will not get in on the poor me attitude no longer.  I am getting rid of cable this week.... I don't watch it, I don't care if I ever watch it again.  I don't want my Valentina to be watching it so much either... there is mostly trash on there anyway.

I am getting rid of the home phone, I rarely use it, I'll use my blackberry.  That is just a waste of money.  I am seeing the doctor Tuesday and I am hoping like crazy that he says I can run, then I will start Tuesday night.  I know it will be slow going in the beginning but I plan to be that butterfly and I will soar eventually.

I have faltered on my cleanse in areas, no excuses though, I am just going to get back on track and follow through.  Right now I feel like there is no stopping me, whatever I want I will be able to attain, whatever I want to do I will be successful in it and mostly I feel like anything is possible.  It feels amazing and a little scary but I am going with it, I want to see how far I can take this feeling and what I can accomplish.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

 

Keeping It Safe

I had my blog written for yesterday but I didn't get it out until this morning.  Instead I felt compelled to write a long letter to my "D".  He's on vacation, away for a couple of days so I'm not able to talk with him, I had something I desperately needed to talk about with him.  We can talk about anything at anytime but sometimes things are better when you take the time to organize your thoughts.

I even thought about writing it by hand but I knew I would never keep up with the thoughts in my head.  They we coming fast and furious, I could barely type fast enough.  It was one of those letters that was raw and emotional, I laid everything out; I sobbed uncontrollably.  I'm okay, I just needed to write my feelings down, I felt better.

I'm really grateful that I had that time at Christmas with David, I had a wish fulfilled; one I never thought I had a chance to have.  Regardless of how it all worked out for now, I was the happiest I have ever been.  The hard part of this is that usually when two people break up or don't workout, there's a reason.

I can list off all the reasons my past relationships have ended, with David I can't give one reason. There was no definitive answer, no big fights (no arguments at all), complete respect, no judging.  He got me when no one else did, I got him too; he's quirky like me.  There is little chance for me to move on until I can understand what went wrong? 

Maybe there are no answers but then I will be stuck in limbo, figuring out how to move forward.  Not sure if it's possible with all the questions I have unanswered.  At least I'm in a much better place than I've been for the past 7 months, there were days I was unsure if I could get up and go to work.  Simple tasks were unbearable and the crying was out of control.

I finally don't cry for no reason and it's nothing extended.  Which is a good sign but I still don't want to move ahead.  If moving ahead is dating other people, I highly doubt I'll be able to take the next step.  Someone would have to be incredible and deserving of me, making me want to open the locked safe I've put my heart in.  I'm trying so hard to protect my broken, injured heart... 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

True Friends Want You To Be Yourself

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is."
~Jim Morrison

I love this quote, it is exactly what a friend is to me, I do not try to change my friends to be what I want them to be, I accept and love them for who they are.  I have had many "friends" over the years but until I had reconnected with David, I didn't realize that I didn't have a friend who just loved me for me.  He wasn't out to change me, he wasn't trying to make me see his way.  Also, I just read a blog from Mastin Kipp, "The Daily Love" and he stated what I truly believe, I don't love people for what they can give me, I love them for who they are.  I will love David no matter where life takes me, I don't have limits on our relationship.  I won't stop loving him just because he might not love me that way. 

As painful at it can sometimes be, not having someone love you the way you want... it is so much better to have them in your life than not.   I wish everyone could understand and feel the love of someone who loves you for who you are, truly loves you for who you are and not for what you give them.  I am close to 49 years of age and I finally experienced that kind of love and it has been the most amazing love I have ever had in my life.  I am not saying by any means that it is easy, it's not but I couldn't or wouldn't want to imagine my life without him in it.

When I need someone to be real with me, honest and open, I turn to him.  I don't want someone that will judge me and I don't want someone who will just agree with me.  Last week when I was going through a particularly rough time with work, people were telling me their take on it, they weren't really listening to me.  They thought I was afraid, I am not... I am just not interested, when I talked to David, he saw through it and realized, no... I am not afraid, I am just not interested.  He got it right away, I didn't have to explain myself.

Then he told me the truth, there is no easy answer, it was either make them understand, do what they ask or find something else I love.  There is no simple answer there, there is only truth.  Someone else could tell me the same thing and people did but until he said it because it came from the heart, I didn't listen.   All we really want in the life is to be heard, to be understood and to be loved.

I will love David no matter what, my feelings don't stop just because his are not equal to mine.  I love him for him as I love all my friends.  I love them for who they are and I want people to know that if they come to me from their heart, I will listen... if they are not trying to change me but just love me, I will listen.  I will do the same for them.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post, I have had many wonderful friends in my life and I still do but I've never felt this safe with anyone in my life.  I am not afraid to be me, completely and fully.  I want nothing more than to be just myself with him.  I don't think.. should I say this?  or should I say that?  I am just me.  It's the only way I know how to be with him, anything less would mean I was a fake.  



"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." ~ Nate Kay

We're not perfect.  We laugh too hard.  We are way too loud & we are such dorks.  But doing it together is what makes us best friends forever♥

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Overcoming Addictions

I need to listen to myself more; I know deep down what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm going.  Just because some people doubt this doesn't mean it's not meant to be.

I think being so sick centered me, I was so in tune with how I felt.  It wasn't even something I could cover up.  Nothing would have really worked, I just had to let it run its course.  Plus I was able to see and feel things I might not have otherwise seen.

I was thinking about all the addictions I've had in my life and how all they truly ended up being, were things to cover up pain, something to stop me from feeling.  Since I no longer have those addictions I find myself actually feeling, it's painful but it's the only way I can heal.

If I don't allow myself to feel, then I will never heal and grow to my potential.  The more I feel, the more I want to cover the pain but I made myself a promise that I won't cover it anymore.  I have to keep a promise to myself sometime. 

All this means is that I can cry just like that and laugh the next minute.  Although it's difficult to see at the moment, I know there is beauty in feeling, for if we refuse to feel pain we will never really feel joy.  I want to feel true joy!

I've had many addictions, I was the queen of covering up and not feeling; there is little I haven't done to not feel.  I don't think poorly of myself, I was a hurt little girl inside who couldn't see a way out, it didn't mean I was bad, it meant I was sad.

If Heavenly Father can forgive me, I don't have to worry about what other people think of those addictions.  As David says and I believe whole heartedly, I am not my past; I have found a different way to deal with my pain now, it's called feeling my emotions.

Is it hard to feel?   You bet it is but the alternative isn't an option anymore.  Every time I feel like sliding I first think of Heavenly Father, then myself and then David (three people I no longer want to disappoint).

Always put your fears behind you and your dreams in front of you.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Right Here And Now

Just because I know what is meant to be doesn't make life any easier, sometimes I think it is harder, which is kind of unfair.  Life is anything but fair though, nor is it easy.  I guess that if it was as easy as we wished it was, we wouldn't have to have faith. This whole weekend has been about having faith.  Nothing is given to us without first putting forth a lot of effort then having faith.

If I were to give up as quickly as the  world thinks I should, where would I be? Not as far along as I am, yet I can always be better.  I need to start having more faith in myself; I really need to believe in myself as my family and friends do.

I have a dream I know I am meant to achieve; it's a big dream.  The kind that is scary but can be so rewarding.  I think that it's one of the reasons that I am not getting my hearts desire at this moment in my life.

For if I did get exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't live up to my full potential.   I would be too content and yes there is such a thing as being too content.  We always need to be stretching ourselves to be better, otherwise we cannot give of ourselves through service.

I read in 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp how we have to be whole so that we attract whole people and that we need to love ourselves and people in our lives as they are right now.  Real and honest love truly is not just loving a persons potential, it is about loving the person where they are now.  I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing potential in the people we love.

Where the problem lies as Mastin says and I believe, is when we become disillusioned with who we love because they cannot see all that we can see.  That is how relationships and marriages end; we seem to refuse to love the people in our lives for who they are right here and now.

Making Changes For Me

I completed my CPA questions and assignment, wooo.  Two more chapters and then the final, I'll be a really happy girl.  I'm already happy, I just want the tension gone from worrying about assignments.

I even feel better about David, I'm still taking time to heal, I have to.  I don't want to be crying every second day.  Even though he and I are soul mate best friends; it would be tiring for him to just hear me cry or know I was sad all the time.

I know that taking this time will heal me so that I can be best friends with him. I want him in my life but I want to be happy about it, I don't want to live in the past and with the memories.  The past is just that, the past.

I only have today, I have things in my life that I need to fix then we will see where the future leads.  I want the whole package or I want nothing.  As sad as I would be for not having romantic love in my life, I'll deal with it.

With my CPA course I haven't been able to read my blogs, I'm catching up over the weekend. I really miss reading all my blogs from my reading list.  There are so many people I look forward to reading, from the fashion blogs, to the poetry one, to the life blogs.  

It's funny how a day or two makes a difference.  That's why when I have those sad dark moments that I remind myself strongly that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  No matter how hard a day is, I believe things can turn around on a dime.

I just needed to get perspective, I really need to give service to others and stop dwelling in the past.  That is what makes us sad; does that mean that I have stopped loving David, I'm pretty sure that won't change any time too soon.  The rose colored glasses have come off though and that is good.

I still think he's amazing but I no longer sit in awe of him, he's just a human being like me.  Yes he's kind, loving and wonderful; he does have his faults though, he doesn't see that I'm the best for him.  Besides I told David that it's his loss, I'm awesome;). He laughed  and said you ARE awesome.  Anyhow , time to work on being the best me that I can be.

This weekend is going to be for me and Valentina and some cooking :).   Also catching up on all my blogs. Have an awesome weekend everyone:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

No Validation Required

I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know.  Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.  ~Buckminster Fuller

I have been wanting to write about this topic for almost a week, I keep putting it off as I know it will sound like I think too much of myself but I need to say this because I think we all need to remember this about ourselves.  I came to a realization this week.  I have really devalued myself most of my life.

I am awesome, I am wonderful... we all are... we all have amazing potential.  The kind of potential where we are able to change the world.  I told David the other night that I was awesome and he better not forget it, he said of course you are awesome.  Then I said, it's okay to say I am awesome right?  I realized right there at that moment that I was looking to be validated.

I do not need to be validated... I am awesome, we all are... we under value ourselves all the time. There's a reason we do this, we are afraid of our potential, if we under value ourselves then we can just be mediocre and get by.  I don't want to be mediocre, I don't want to just get by... I want to succeed to my highest potential, I am about excellence.

It's not a terrible thing to think you are wonderful, it is exactly what we should be thinking... don't we want our children to believe this of themselves.  How will they if we don't believe it of ourselves.

Don't live down to expectations.  Go out there and do something remarkable.  ~Wendy Wasserstein

Embracing Change

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." ~ Author Unknown





"We must learn to view change as a natural phenomenon ~ to anticipate it and to plan for it. The future is ours to channel in the direction we want to go... we must continually ask ourselves, 'What will happen if...?' or better still, 'How can we make it happen?' " ~  Lisa Taylor

Change has always scared me in the past, I'm like most people who want to be in control. I had to go through lesson after lesson in my life to learn to embrace change, it is the only way I can live up to my potential.

When I go with the change knowing that it is the only way I can grow, I've been inspired to do, say or write something that someone has needed to hear. I'm grateful when someone is opened to change, they inspire me.  Isn't that we want to do, inspire and uplift each other?

I have had endless opposition lately, I was fighting it, now I say bring it on!  I know where I'm supposed to be in my life, I'm not afraid. I will do what is asked of me, I will go where I'm guided to go. I am stronger then the fear, my resistance is gone.

I forgot what it was that brought me to where I was supposed to be, I started thinking I wasn't good enough, I was sure I didn't deserve all of the wonderful opportunities that were placed in front of me. I nearly pushed it away. That is fear, I am done listening to that weak side of me. I am going to remember that being positive, happy and uplifting drew exactly what I wanted into my life.

I deserve the best, I deserve exactly what I want and I'm NOT giving up until I get what I want.  Whatever I want also wants me; this is my new motto from Jack Canfield. What I want is excellent and an opportunity of forever. I have asked, I believe and I will receive.

"Change has long been a fearful thing for human beings ... and at the same time, it is our most Divine opportunity. Clinging to the banks of the river may seem safe and more secure, but life's possibilities are truly engaged only when we trust, release and become part of The Flow of the Universe." ~ Chelle Thompson, Editor of Inspiration Line

Dare To Dream

"Limitations live only in our minds.  But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless."  Jamie Paolinetti


When I think about seeing my potential as God/Universe sees it, it makes me remember that it is limitless.  It is not just limitless for me, it is for all of us, I really think that this scares many of us, not that we cannot succeed but that we most certainly can.  What is stopping us from reaching our potential?  For me, it has been knowing exactly what I should be doing, I don't know what everyone's purpose here is, I only know what mine is; knowing it and delivering it are two different things.

One of my greatest fears is that I will take the correct direction and then fail, have I not failed many times before?  Have I not set goals before and let myself down?  I really and truly want to succeed this time, the closer I get to my goals.  The more conflict I have in gaining them, the more I see that I need to continue on this path.

What am I willing to give up to succeed?  Hasn't it been proven over and over that when we  give up what we think is important that we are blessed in multiple ways?  Why would we want to give up those blessings?  Unrealistic fear of anything cannot be good, for it stops us from rising to our full potential... since there is very little that I desire in the way of materialism, I find that I am hit with the more important things.  I have to really believe that if I just let all that I want go, there will be even better and more wonderful blessings ahead.

The funny thing is that somehow 'we' think we know what is best for us?  When in fact we never dream a big enough dream for ourselves for fear of failure... or fear of success; I believe these two go hand in hand.  Either way we prevent ourselves from growing to the potential we are so capable of rising towards.

Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it.  Paul De Rapin

Opening Myself Up So I Can Overcome The Fear

Yesterday I was weepy, today I've been out of sorts... I don't know what's up with me. It's not like I'm not happy because I'm very happy. I've been wanting to write all day but I wanted to get a handle on how or why I was feeling this way. I finally figured it out and I wish I could put it into words but honestly there are not enough words to explain it all.

I thought about not writing and then I just knew I had to write something. I've known for quite some time that I am supposed to be doing something else. Today I realized I'm afraid, really afraid. I know that means I am close to doing what I know I should, it's really scary though. I've written about using the fear to succeed, which is much easier said then done.

Oh how I want to use the fear to overcome and surpass my potential. I keep thinking, what is worse, facing my fear head on or letting it win? The main part of me thinks facing it would be the best thing. Let me tell you though it's scary. I've only opened up myself fully to David because he's safe, I trust him.

What I need to do entails opening myself up to people who could hurt, ridicule and judge me. I guess that's why I've been writing so much about how I know we should not be judging each other. I just have to realize that this next phase of my life will be judged.

Really what is the worse thing that can happen? People might really see who I am and then what? Think the worst and judge me for my past. I have to say one thing about that, I was so sad, I felt so bad about myself. When Andrey raped me, I was lower than anytime in my life. I just didn't want to feel the pain that came from being raped, I wanted to cover it in anyway possible.

Oh and I did, I used everything possible not to feel. If I ever started to feel I would figure out something that I could do not to feel. Everything I did hurt me more but at least I was in control of that pain.

Then along came David and I was afraid to tell him but I couldn't not tell him. He was so loving, kind and understanding. Why can't everyone be like that? Why do we have to make other people feel so much more worse? When all they want is to be loved and accepted.

I have to decide about the future and what path I will take!

The Secrets We Hide

© Tiffany Franklin

we struggle to have meaning 
in this world which we all know
we try but yet we wonder 
where we all should go
hidden in the questions 
which we can not find
the answers are all hidden
deep inside our minds
hidden in our soul
is the life we try to hide
but in time it will find you
and it will release 
all of its secrets hidden beneath 
so before it ruins the life you have made
release those dark secrets 
and the memories will fade
hidden in our lives are stories left untold
of the things we didn’t want them to know
but once you tell somebody
and make your feelings known
the struggle will be over
and you’ll finally be home

My Potential Is More Than I Know

I have had an interesting/dull day, I woke up at five am and worked on my CPA assignment for over two hours.  This course is so much more boring than I ever thought possible...  I am at the point of who cares.  I cannot see myself doing this as a career, trying to figure out which taxable, non taxable car allowance the employee is supposed to have.  I like the job I have now as it is helping people and I don't need to know boring legislation.

I completed the assignment in a little over two hours, of course I did spend a couple of hours last night researching in too... can I say dull.  I am thinking it would be more fun to watch paint dry, lol.  There is one more of these courses that I have to take, I am seriously wondering why I am torturing myself.

Anyhow, I then slept for an hour until Cindy arrived here, I had her look over my assignment, then I sent it.  I read a ton of blogs, there are so many talented and uplifting people throughout this world, I love getting to know other people in the world through their blogs. I am always pleasantly surprised how much we are alike and yet culturally different, I have so much desire to travel and see the many types of cultures out there.  There is so much beauty in this world and I want to experience it all.

Then I wasted the rest of my day away until I picked Valentina up, did laundry and then dishes... woo hoo... Finally, I got to settle down and talk to my David.  I had been kind of weepy today... I had no real idea why.  I mean I have good things going on in my life, I couldn't figure out why I was weepy and reflective, I still haven't figured it out.  At least David and I chatted and he made me laugh as usual.  He can certainly lift my spirits easily, how did I not always have him in my life?  If I just had not been so darn shy when I was younger.

I don't have the time or energy to be shy any longer, it seriously is such a waste of time. I missed out on some very wonderful experiences in my life because of how shy I used to be.  I had been thinking about joining Toastmasters at work but then I realized I don't really need this as I can talk in large groups with no issues.  Not that I always could but as I get older I lose that fear more and more, now if I could just lose all my fears.  Then again, if I didn't have fear, I wouldn't be able to grow to my potential.

Fear is actually a good thing as long as we don't let it control us!  Fear can keep us safe and if it is irrational fear and we see this, we can embrace it and grow beyond our wildest dreams.  I have had some things happen to me today that most people would have fear about, I would have had fear about it in the past.  Today I just think, oh well... that is life, time to move on to my next stage.

My 30 Days Of Growth

 The past 30 days have been eye opening in many ways, many fabulous ways. I learned so much about myself; one, I'm even stronger than I thought I was; two, I was able to live without Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, MSN.  I missed them but I survived. Three, I found that I LOVE to eat healthy and I'm going to stick with it; four, I'm excited about the exercise I'm starting. Five, I miss David even more than I thought possible; the only way I made it through without him was that I had a running email where I wrote in it regularly to tell him what I was going through (I haven't sent it yet). It's a book now, lol.

I'm grateful and thankful that I took this 30 day challenge, I proved to myself that I could do it and be happy about it. I am thrilled with that, I didn't want to be complaining while I did it. I laughed, smiled, stayed positive, cried when it was appropriate. It was an awesome cleanse, one I'd do again in the future. The only thing though is I'm NOT giving up David ever again, that part was torture.

I figured out my purpose, I know what I should be doing, I'm working towards those goals. I believe in myself in a way I never did before; I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's bright. Everyday we are given on this earth is a gift, we need to remember that and share our talents and love with each other.

We need to learn to forgive, really forgive and grow to our best potential; it's the only way we can give the best of ourselves to the world. Holding on to the past will never let us live our future. We need to live in the present so that we can create our future. The blessings of love are there, ready for us to have if we but learn to love ourselves. Once we learn that, we are capable of anything.

I feel so creative because of the cleanse, I'm enjoying finding different food to eat, writing in my blog daily (a passion of mine), getting organized slowly (I'll get there). Finding my spirituality which is aiding in my growth. I cannot explain how easy it is to change your thought patterns in such a very short time, I did it. Yes I have lots of growing to do but I now believe it's all attainable.

Everyone is capable of this, we just need to love ourselves and know that we are worth it, I know I am!!!