I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together. I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.
I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart. Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.
I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it. Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me. I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then. Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.
I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans. Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.
So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield