I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.
It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.
My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

28 comments :

  1. oh no.. that makes me sad :(.. *hug for you Launna*

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    1. Thank you Inge... it makes me sad too.... I appreciate the hug :-/

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  2. I am so sorry that you had a day like this. Crying is cathartic and should never be held back. I am hoping that today brings happiness and smiles :)

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    1. Thank you Keith... the happiness and smiles won't be today but who knows what the future will bring. At least I am not eating through my sadness, which is what I would have done in the past... This time I am just going to feel it... :-/

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  3. (: Reb, xoxo.

    * Sul mio blog c'è un post riassuntivo dell'Estate, fammi sapere cosa ne pensi:
    http://www.toprebel.com/2013/09/versilia-giostra-delle-giornate-di.html

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  4. In reality, we must have to live our life with our easy going life. lets face it and understand, take it easy as much as possible. don't push too hard, be easy, to ourselves. We will be just fine. I believe so.

    http://www.attraction2fashion.com

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    1. Awe thank you Tanya... a lot of this was due to lack of sleep and being blind sided with some info... you are incredibly sweet...

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  5. Love your blog! Maybe we could follow each other on bloglovin or GFC? Please leave me a comment or follow me and I will follow you =)

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Le-Petit-Plastique/473640259360447

    http://lepetitplastique.blogspot.com/

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    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you, I am following you on GFC, Bloglovin, FB fan page and Pinterest :)

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  6. I wish there were words I could say that would help, but I have not point of reference.
    Take care of yourself.
    R

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    1. Thank you Rick... I appreciate the kind words...

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  7. I cry sometimes when I run, even when there's not a thing wrong. It's emotional to be alone with yourself sometimes. :)

    I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I don't know if you pray, but if you do maybe you could ask God to take it away and replace it with peace and calm. I pray, so I will be doing that for you right this second.

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    1. Thank you Rosey... I do pray... thank you so much for offering to pray for me :-)

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  8. I send your all my energy to you. I expect you can feel better little by little. Sometimes I feel alone too, I don't have friends, only mi couple, and sometimes I feel I'm a charge for him...but you have to learn to be happy with yourself, and the life would smile you.

    Xoxo!!!

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    1. Thank you Fashion Lover... I am grateful for the positive vibes... yes we have to be happy with ourselves first... sometimes there are things that devastate us :'(

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  9. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. Following you now =)

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Le-Petit-Plastique/473640259360447

    http://lepetitplastique.blogspot.com/

    *Nimli GIveaway on my blog worth $368.00!*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you, I look forward to your new posts :)

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  10. Sending you great big hugs. I sure hope life gets easier soon.

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    1. Thank you so much Kc... I really appreciate it ;-)

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  11. EVERY OPTION IS VIABLE!

    If you have an idea, you can do it. Just do it.

    By the way. I can't sleep, either. I just wrote about it, too. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thank you Lauren, these were not good viable options, these would have been things to make it worse... Walking was the best thing I could have done... sleeping would be a good thing too... :)

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  12. Launna, I feel so bad for you! I can't begin to imagine what is making you feel so miserable. The old saying, "That what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is true. Sometimes I just don't want to be any stronger. You are a survivor! You will keep pushing on. I just hope you get through this soon and get back to sleeping. I hope you find a good friend close by that you can share with. Friendship helps but you have to develop trust in the person to be able to tell them things like this.

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    1. Thanks Betty... that's the problem... I don't have too many people to trust :-/

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  13. Launna, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling such pain. I hope you can find your way through it to the other side and be all the stronger as a result. Big hugs to you, my friend.

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    1. Awe thank you Daisy... it will take a little time... or a lot but I will work through it... with lots of tears...

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  14. Lovely and brave Launna, we all have our pains, you are not alone...You are one of the bravest people I know, I've read so much about you, your life hasn't been easy to you, nevertheless you managed to raise your kids so beautifully and still be so positive and inspiring....Take a deep breath and just move on....just move on.

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    1. Thank you so much Petronela... I am trying to do that... somehow... Even though it was one of the most devastating days of my life :(

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤