The only thing that matters now is my mission. Nothing will stand in the way anymore.
Anyhow, I did some general housework, such as laundry and dishes and I cooked a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for the up coming week... good lunches for both of us, mine going on rice though. Then I took a short nap, I was really tired after this week, it has been really stressful and the next week coming up doesn't look a whole lot easier... especially with my David going in for surgery for sure on Monday. I am not sure how I will work that day... I guess on auto pilot. Couldn't I just fly up there and be with him? I guess that isn't feasible... oh well, it was just a fleeting thought.
I am in a place now that the honest truth is that anyone will have to jump through hoops of fire to be with me, I just won't accept less than I deserve. If I am being honest and that is the only way I can be, of course I only want David ... but I don't want him at all costs... I'm not willing to sacrifice myself again ... I know that I did that, he never asked me to... I didn't think I was enough, I was sure I had to be an even better version of myself than I was... well... I was good enough, I just didn't believe it.
I really think losing the weight, becoming healthy and allowing myself to actually feel my emotions instead of covering them up with food and other things has opened my eyes a great deal. Today when something scary happens like my David almost having to have emergency surgery last Tuesday, I cleaned and I cried... I wrote... I didn't eat the fear, I let myself cry, that's what I have to do, I have to let myself feel. Not always easy but definitely the only way I can handle anything hard going forward.
What I am going to work on this week and going forward is not to push myself so hard all the time, I need to be a little kinder, I need to remember that I am not twenty and that taking a day once and a while isn't lazy, it is good for me. I am going to spend a lot more time stretching and self massaging my legs, my legs do a lot for me, they deserve to be treated better than constantly pushing them to see how fast and how far I can go. I am not giving up my exercise regime, I am just going to remember that I need to give myself a break from time to time, the world won't fall apart if do. I won't gain five pounds because I take a day to myself, even if I did, it would be okay... but I know I won't.
The most important thing I want to remember is that I am worth much more than I allow myself to believe... I deserve better than I have ever settled for and I won't accept anything less than what I deserve going forward.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥