While your experiences of your past will shape you, in no way do those experiences have to define you. ~ Carole Brody Fleet
"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." - Marianne Williamson,
Waking up to what I've been doing to myself for years is hard. Hard because I know that it is me that limits myself and tells myself I don't deserve the best. Why have I so readily believed that voice for so many years? I guess it's because it sounds familiar and comfortable even though it is so wrong and not true. I also believe I had to go through many of the challenges that I've gone through to get to this point in my life. The funny thing is that I really shouldn't make it so hard on myself, I shouldn't have regret for not making changes sooner, I think it had to be that way for me to learn.
I have had a couple of epiphany's in the last week, one that if I really want to share my life I have to be ready. One way I need to be ready is that I need to act like I already have him by having my closets and drawers organized and ready for him to move in. Second, I realized I have chosen or attracted men that ended up having no power over their children lives. That comes from a fear of my moms, she lost all of her children to her mother and my father except for Krista (she lied to her and never came clean). I don't lie to my children, I just choose men who would never be able to win custody in court.
I've also seen this cleanse as being very eye opening. I had feared that I may not be as happy as I am without the things I use to fill my life. I found out that although I miss David terribly (I can barely wait to talk to him on May 10th), I'm still a very upbeat and a happy girl. I'm thrilled that never changed. I've also seen that there have been challenges I've had to deal with that I have handled. So now I see my friends going through horrible life altering changes. I can finally be there for them, the way they have been there for me.
Having my faith has been incredible, I'm so ecstatic I am back where I belong. I know my faith can only help me grow. It's so wonderful to feel the spirit more and more. I just need to pray and read my scriptures more diligently. I am taking one step at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself to the point that I give up, I would rather take it step by step until I get to each place I need to be.