My sister and I were talking in great depth tonight about why we continually choose unavailable men. It has to do with how we were raised, being abandoned by our mother who had absolutely no contact with us for 10 years. When we finally did have contact she had every excuse in the book for not having any contact with us, she tried to justify it with so many reasons. I forgive my mother, she was in pain, just wanting to be loved and not knowing how to ask for that love. She only raised one child of all the nine children she had, I used to think I would have loved being raised by her, she was cool, understanding, not abusive; my youngest sister was raised by her and now I a realize how lucky I was not to be raised by her. I am stronger for what I went through, I am independent, my baby sister is not.
Next I was raised by my father and my ex step mother Ruth, she was so incredibly abusive. She was degrading and hurtful in every way she could be but what my father did was worse, he was there and he was blind to what was going on. Even worse was my grandmother who knew what was going on but never stood up for us; often what hurts us more is the people who are supposed to love and protect us that turn a blind eye to what is going on for fear that they would have to change. What Ruth did was intolerable but I am free from her and all the degradation, however; as much as I have tried to free myself from how my father dealt with the situation, I continue to choose men that are totally unavailable to me.
I honestly have forgiven my father, my mother and even Ruth... they were all so screwed up and didn't love themselves enough. I want to be better than them, I know that I wouldn't turn a blind eye to my children if they were living in a painful situation. I would act and change it for them, no matter what it meant changing in my life. I am glad I did learn a lesson from everything that I dealt with. Mostly I learned that I am not my past, I can be and I am better than anything I was or dealt with in the past. I am really a strong and tenacious woman, someone who rebounds continually from difficult and life changing issues.
The only thing I cannot seem to learn is how not to be attracted to unavailable men. I have come so far in my life, I am independent, I have a great career, I have awesome and amazing friends. I am a good, kind, loving and wonderful person, I have not allowed the past to define who I am, however; I cannot seem to choose a man who loves only me, who is available to only me. I have so much to offer the right man, I am faithful, honest, giving, loving, kind... even more I believe that I am deserving of real love. I never used to believe that but I do now.
How do I learn to love a man that is available to only me? If I don't learn that lesson I will forever be alone. I am truly hoping that this cleanse will help me to figure this out. I have been highly emotional and it has only been a couple of days. I am sure there will be many more times where I will cry and be angry while doing this cleanse but I'm doing it to grow and to figure out what I need to do to change the patterns in my life that no longer serve me.