Blessings In Disguise

I was reading over some of my initial posts, in the beginning I thought I would write a story of my life that I have lived through letters.  But almost immediately I was more compelled to write smaller excerpts of my life.

I've been thinking that I should give a little more background story, especially since I'm going through this cleanse that is making me think a lot about the past and how I want to change my behaviors that are not good for me.  So here goes.

When I was 17 years old I found out I was pregnant, talk about scared.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  Andrea's father was not supportive in any way shape or form, he was 21.  He actually tried to deny paternity, I was so angry and I told him when I proved this child to be his, he'd be lucky if he'd ever see them again.

He changed his tune quickly but he never became the man he should, he was pretty self centered. He had already broke up with me on 2 different occasions. When I had Andrea on September 29th, 1981, he came to the hospital and begged me to take him back.  I took him back but advised him if he left me again, I would never take him back.  10 months later he left and true to my word I NEVER took him back although he begged me incessantly. I even wondered what I had ever seen in him.

So I ended up being a single mom at the very young age of 18 and I can tell you this, it was hard and it was stressful. I lived on a very tight budget but I always made sure that Andrea never did without. I wasn't always the best mom, I knew so little about how to raise a child, I was barely an adult myself. I worked on things over time and I have forgiven myself.  No need to dwell on it or live in the past. I must have did something right, otherwise Andrea would not have turned out to be as wonderful and successful as she is, I do credit a lot of that to her tenacity and determination; which she got from me.

I met the first love of my life when I was 23, Tony... I really thought he and I would be married. We lived together for 2 years and even after we were in and out of each others lives for over 23 years.  Tony just couldn't be faithful though and that would have driven me crazy.  He's married and now he is her problem. He actually disappointed me more than any other person in my life, when I told him I was raped, he asked me what I expected?  He blamed me... unbelievable, such an archaic thought pattern.

I didn't date again until Andrea was 18 and I was 37, that was Andrey, Valentina's papa...  There was a man who didn't love himself, so much self loathing that he took it out on me many times over the years. We met in October 2000, we married in May 2001.  It wasn't always awful, it became awful within a year.  Although I do have to say there were many signs now that I look back on the past.  Finally we separated on May 2004 but I continued to look after him when he was unable to do this for himself.  All of that changed the night he raped me on April 13th, 2008. He's pretty well been in jail or the hospital since that time. It's pretty sad that this is the father that Valentina has, she is a very lucky little girl though, she has many people who love and adore her and I will always be there for her.

Not long after the traumatic experience of being raped by my ex, this made me want to make many changes in my life.  I found the job I am currently in and I love it, I also found the apartment that I wanted.  Unfortunately I went down a very long dark path for nearly three years of my life. Trying so hard to cover the pain of being raped and degraded over the years. Finally, I started getting a handle on my life and my feelings.  David was sent into my life and he showed me the truth about me, I am just as amazing and wonderful as he tells me.  I needed to have him come into my life to shake my life up and remind me of my true self and inner core.

Although I have had really terrible and degrading things happen in my life, I am not defined by those incidents.  I am defined by how I rose above it all and became who I was truly meant to be. I am a very lucky girl and extremely blessed.

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