Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

21 comments :

  1. Thanks Steve, I appreciate the offer... I have my own religious views... I respect everyone's right to worship as they want :)

    Have a lovely and blessed day
    ;)

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    1. can i use one of your qoutes for a book cover ill put your name under the qoute so everyone can see who wrote it

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  2. Feeling your pain sweet lady....just take one step at a time and remember that you are NOT alone. A favorite quote, posted on above my desk says...
    You and I may cry out,'No one understands. No one knows.' But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands. He CAN reach out, touch, and strengthen us. by David Bednar
    I believe this with all of my heart
    love you....Jackie

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  3. Thank you Jackie .. I feel too lost at the moment. .. one day.. I hope I'm not lost for good....

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  4. Hugs to you, Launna. It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

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  5. Oh sweetie it will pass...we all have our bad moments, just hang in there. Valentina could not have had a better mom, or a cooler one. I am sure she is very proud of you :)>

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  6. Thanks for the hugs Daisy... just another challenge of many... probably because of all the choices I made it the past...

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  7. Thank you Petronela... I hope it passes... right now I find it hard to believe... I am trying to hold on :/

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  8. Always remember that your blogigng family is here for you and that there is always a rainbow at the end of every storm :)

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  9. Thank you Marie... that's very sweet of you ;-)

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  10. Thank you Keith... I'm going to need that blogging family... :/

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  11. I wish you get solution of your problems very very soon, may God bless you and your daughter!
    www.beautifullflavya.blogspot.com

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  12. Hi Faby... thank you for your kind comment... ;-)

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  13. Thank you Inge... maybe your mom feels that way :/

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  14. I know that hole inside and I've always thought it will get better eventually. Then I think: what if it doesn't?

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  15. Oh Avy.... I worry about the same thing every day... what if?

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  16. You are strong on the inside and I know that you can get through this feeling with time and patience. Writing it out is always a great idea. Best of luck with the new babysitter, if your friend recommended her I'm sure the growing pains will be minimal and overwith quickly. And whatever you decide to do about your job will be the right decision. There are no mistakes, only ways to learn and grow. Hugs my friend!

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  17. Jenn, you are the sweetest... sometimes I get so overwhelmed and I just have to pour it out in my blog... it just ends up making me feel better eventually :)

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤