If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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Self Care Is Self Love

I have been putting off blogging all weekend, not because I didn't want to write but because I was trying to get my words out to say what I wanted to say... I have been overwhelmed with blogging lately and not by writing as I only write once a week at the most, it is all I have time for... but because I feel this need to constantly keep up with everyone else's blog, even at the expense of me writing my own. I even wondered if I should stop writing? Yet, I know that writing is what helps me to figure out issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, I came to admit to myself that I am a people pleaser... 

I thought I was past that, I thought I had grown from that.... However; a few of the comments I receive and I stress a few of them are not genuine, they haven't read my entry, they just write a generic comment so that I will visit their blog and comment back....which I have been doing, now saying all this, I love comments, honest, real and open ones where I get to know the person. I have decided that if someone is not taking a moment to actually read the words I write, I won't be publishing the comments any longer. I honestly don't want to waste my time when I could be reading someones words who appreciate that I actually took the time to write. 

I have decided that I have to give myself a break and I will not be able to comment on every single blog I read, it's not realistic for me anymore as I follow an incredible amount of blogs, even I don't know how many... I read a blog this week that kind of opened my eyes, she was pretty honest about her addictions and it made me think about mine... I am always trying to be the perfect blogger, keeping up with everyone, not wanting to let anyone down... Instead, I am letting myself down, I talk about self care here all the time and basically they have just become words, I haven't been practicing. 

This is no ones fault but mine, I need to set boundaries for myself and know that the people that I follow, the ones who really care about me will be there, frankly those are the only people that matter to me in the blogging world. Of course I want my blog to grow in readership but if I rarely write how will it grow more?  ... I am not giving up reading or commenting but I am going to be taking time for myself to read a book, actually visit a friend without my phone turned on... play some board games with Valentina.. 

I have this bucket list of things I want to do and more often then not I sit in front of a computer or with my phone in my hand. That quote above says it all, we are connected to people all over the world through technology and it is awesome, I love it, at the same time though, I find I am not as connected to the people around me. If that makes any sense? I make time for blogging and I don't make time to do other things that entail my making an effort in my own life. You know what that is, that is ignoring the issues I have and covering it up with blogging because it's easier. 

This weekend showed me that I have let everything around me go... on Saturday I didn't even get dressed until I caught up reading, then it was almost five o'clock before I went to get groceries... I followed that with laundry until midnight... oh and in between I commented and read blogs. That is an addiction I use so that I can let everything else slide in my life. Today, I figured out why... if I don't have time to think, I don't have deal with my feelings... I have to deal with my feelings and I need to let go of trying to be the perfect blogger... that doesn't exist. . . Self care is self love....

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Rising Above My Challenges

I believe that there is nothing we cannot change as long as we want it badly enough... and for me as with others it is always a balancing act of finding new ways to stay engaged with the changes. I find that I make a goal and once I succeed I get bored and go back to my old ways. This is our nature, at least it is mine... I don't like failure (who does?) so I make small goals, instead of putting my whole heart into a bigger goal, which works to some degree, however; I always have to be evolving and reaching for more.

I was talking with some people about how we feel lost in our lives through the addictions we have... we all have them, some are very apparent, others we are able to hide more easily. When we are in the middle of these addictions we are sure there is no way out but there always is, is it easy? No, not easy at all... as a matter of fact, it will probably be harder than anything we have ever done. Addictions are strong, yet I believe we are stronger than any of our weaknesses.

For the past few years, actually if I am being totally honest, for the past 15 years I have been living my life in ways I have not been happy with... I became disappointed as I had goals and I never seemed to be able to attain them... I gave up and decided if I could not have them I would live my life anyway I liked. I sunk into all my weaknesses, I mean it was my life after all... I could make those decisions, it wasn't anyone else's to make right?

I am here to tell you that not one of them brought me happiness or joy, not one... sure, I had some short lived happy moments but nothing lasting... Everything came to a head on Christmas day last year, I was directly in the middle of all my addictions and I was so unhappy... as I have written before I had an event happen that could have completely destroyed me ... but I chose to go the other way. I admitted to myself that none of what I was doing was making me happy and that although I was willing to give it all up, I knew it would be hard and I would have more difficult choices in front of me, I knew deep down, it would be worth it.

I learned a great deal about myself in the past few months with that one event... I changed my life into another direction. What I learned the most was that I had not dreamed big enough and I had given up on myself... so although I did not attain the goals I had wanted to ... I should not give up on them as some of them are lifetime goals that I need to continue working towards. It is like my exercise and eating healthy, this is not just for today or until I get to a certain weight... this is a lifetime goal that I need to work on.

The minute I made the choice to change, I was relieved ... and although the path has been a twisting and rocky one back, it is one I plan to stay on... Although I may stumble, I will not stay down, I will always rise up and meet the next challenge. I would love to thank the person who caused the event in my life on Christmas day, for if she had not gone out of her way to hurt me, I would probably still be in my addictions and unhappy. Instead I took that event and made a choice to rise above it all ...

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All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.

And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

When Will It Not Be Enough?

I read a great blog this morning... I actually read many great blogs... this one touched me though as I could empathize with her even though I do not have her disorder.  I could liken this unto me with my own disorders.  She feels like I do, that if she could find a healthy outlet, that life would be a little easier.... like I feel I have found with walking/jogging/running... also writing my blog gives me an outlet ...  She asked us what we did as healthy outlets?

I thought this is easy for me, I blog... writing has been something that has helped me immensely over the past few years.  I essentially started this blog to give myself a voice after my ex Andrey had raped me, I was so overwhelmed with all the emotions that come from trying to hold that in... When it first happened, I tried to push it to the back burner and prove it wasn't going to control me... I was going to be stronger than that one night. The truth though is that when we don't deal with the issue at hand, it festers and comes out in more destructive ways.

So, writing became my lifeline... I didn't write a lot and my first couple of years of entries were mainly for my own eyes, some people read my blog but mainly a few friends and family... I didn't promote my blog anywhere but on Facebook occasionally... I didn't really put it out there until February 2012 when I started joining blogging forums  and gained real followers.  It was about then that I started reading and commenting on other peoples blogs and I found some talented writers who I still follow to this day.  My reasons for blogging had changed though, I was dealing with the break up of my David and me.  Believe me I was not handling it well, I still don't handle it all that well...

About 6-7 weeks ago, I became real with myself and admitted that blogging was not enough, I was masking my pain with destructive outlets.  I knew that if I didn't change that right then and there that I would only slip deeper into the destructive outlets and I might never be able to rise above them.  So, I started walking, at first it was hard... I was lucky to be able to walk for 15-20 minutes without losing my breath completely.  However; something inside me kept me moving forward, I started challenging myself but walking hills and walking further... I was only into it a few days and I had downloaded MapMyWalk... and this encouraged me to walk even more.

Of course the contest had come around and because I am HIGHLY competitive... it fed into my healthy outlet I had taken on.  Today I am walking at a decent speed, up hills (without losing my breath), for long distances and now I am alternately walking/jogging and running.  I rarely find an excuse not to walk, if anything, I look for reasons to walk and I take longer alternate routes to give me a better work out.

Here is the thing, when I answered her question, I also said I walk for a healthy outlet but then I begin to wonder if that will always be enough... I mean... how long can I keep up walking 3-5 miles per day, if not walking then exercising at the gym.  When will it not be enough... even if it is a healthy outlet, it is something that masks the pain... Instead, I have to deal with the pain or it will always be there in behind whatever I do to try to cover it... I think today I am not ready but in the near future I know I will have to deal with it or it will spill out again and this time blogging and walking might not be able to contain the emotions.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning A Corner To Loving Myself No Matter What

I ended up having a great walk/jog last night... so much so that once it cools down I'm going for another one tonight.  Last nights exercise was for one point seven miles, I would love to go for the full two miles.  I can only do these in the evening or on the weekends as I carry a backpack to work which makes it uncomfortable to jog while wearing it...

I not only did that walk/jog last night, I did the two miles tonight... it was awesome.  I think I am becoming an exercise junky... I love the adrenaline and how strong I feel... I also know that  with the added exercise I am incorporating into my life that it means I will be gaining muscle which will mean that I might slow down on the weight loss but it will help me to burn calories better.  Regardless, there is no turning back now, I know that I can do this, it is all within my reach... the only one that can stop me is me.

I was feeling overwhelmed last night and my mind/body/soul ... that small voice we have inside wasn't enjoying the emotions I had to feel.  The first thing I thought was why not do this?  Why not do that?  You don't have to feel this, there is a way out of these feelings.  I thought long and hard about opting out of feeling, not wanting to have to deal with the painful thoughts that were there.  Then I threw on my yoga pants, my tank top, grabbed my phone and went for a walk/jog... It felt good... it didn't stop the sad feelings but it felt good not to fall into the old traps I used to fall into.

Every single day is a battle for me as I am sure it is for everyone else... everyday I think it would be easier to just give up, give in... Thankfully, there is something inside me that is pushing me this time, telling me I can do it, I can succeed... Going backwards might mean I would never move forward again.  Although moving forward is hard, really hard... the hardest thing I have ever done, I am doing it.

I had a really long talk with my sister today and she asked me some tough questions, the same things she asked herself... why do we think so little of ourselves that we accept less then we deserve?  She wonders if it is because we felt so ignored by our father growing up, we wanted him to notice that our ex step mother Ruth was abusing us and he seemed so oblivious to it all... like we didn't matter.  We all had our ways of trying to get his attention, trying to make him see that we needed him to protect us.  We didn't know then that he was so damaged himself that he was incapable of seeing how much we were hurting.

Even as an adult I can see now that he just wasn't capable of seeing his surroundings, he was in pain too... he used drugs, alcohol, food and women to cover all the pain he was carrying inside.  Unfortunately we as little girls didn't understand that and we all kept trying to make some man love us, surely if some man could love us, we were worthy of love... Through the years with counseling and self growth, I have come to love myself and realize that no man would ever love me unless I were to love myself.

I think that was why losing my David was so difficult, I had come to a point in my life that I loved myself and felt that it was really possible for someone to love me too... Then he didn't love me either and I started going backwards but none of it felt good... none of it covered the pain... I had to deal with it... and it was so hard, I had to come to a point in my life that I had to continue to love myself no matter what...  I realized that it was David's loss for not seeing how wonderful we could be together... how much we could enrich each others lives.

I am worth loving, I deserve to be loved... I love myself and I am not going to forget that... that little girl inside me may still feel lost at times and may feel that I need to do anything possible to cover the pain but I will not let her pain be mine.  I will love her until she loves herself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Maybe Some Things Were Not Meant For Me

It is raining here in Nova Scotia again, at least the temperature dropped with the rain.  It was truly unbearable to say the least...  However; I did walk even though the humidex was like a 35C and above for quite a few days.  I walked to the bridge on the way to work this morning and really pushed myself hard... I talked to one of the girls at work and told her how I would like to start running a little, she suggested running in 10 to 15 second sprints... this is something I think I can handle.  Once I master that, I am going to push it up to 30 seconds at a time... I want that feeling that all runners talk about, the freedom to just focus on breathing and the adrenaline it brings.

I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count.  I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little.  My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically.  She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.

I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me...  I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again?  I know people are going to say... don't think like that.  How am I supposed to think?  In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love.  How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me? 

I honestly believe for me to be happy that I have to give up that dream and move on... just live my life, be a mama, a friend, a sister, a nana... Many people are happy this way... maybe I can be too...?  You know, I have been so sure of so many things in my life... One, I can make friends anywhere, anytime... if I don't click with someone, it is rare and most likely their issue.  Two, I excel in job interviews, I just know how to sell myself  and because I am friendly I know how to connect with people.  Three, I am competitive, when I put my mind to something, there is nothing that I cannot achieve.

Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life.  It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough.  Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?

I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days.  I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and  I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing.  I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning.  Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 

Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Decisions Made With Love

I have been so in the zone with exercising that I don't even let the heat get to me, I just make sure I have water and I hydrate as much as possible.  Now saying this, I do not go out in the afternoon for a walk unless it is cool out... I usually walk in the morning and in the early evening.  I did walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes today... I would much rather walk outside then in that controlled environment.  However; once the icy weather hits in the winter, I am sure I will utilize the treadmill on a permanent basis.  At least until the spring hits again... until then, I am going to enjoy being outdoors.

Alright, enough on exercising... I am addicted to it... so I have been thinking of taking a break from social media.  Either that or I am going to have to slow it down somehow.  I have already cut off all but a couple of notifications from Facebook... however; there is Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, We Heart It... the list is endless.  So, what I have decided is that I will turn off my phone at work... stick it in the drawer and not turn it back on until lunch and after work.  I will allow myself to use it on the bus both ways...  I certainly survived without a cell phone for many years, I am sure I can live without one for 8 hours per day.

With all the walking I am doing, I certainly don't have time to play on the phone .. I only have it with me so that I can Map My Walk... what an awesome app, that and Fitness Pal... LOVE these two apps that help to keep me on track.  I start my vacation on Wednesday, I am going to take the opportunity to take walks that consist of more than a mile or two... just to push myself a little outside of my comfort zone.. Oh my, I am fixated on exercising... okay... done

I find lately that I am longing for simpler days, I want Valentina to have those days... the kind I had when I was growing up.  The ones where we played outside all day, with a jump rope, a ball.. maybe our bikes and just had fun inventing games. Then on rainy days we used our imagination and drew pictures, colored, played school and store... we used our minds and had fun.  My blogging friend Joy from Starting With Myself, reminded me today with her blog how much we have got away from doing this with our children...  What a disservice to our children... they have lost out on fun while we keep giving them every gadget going.

I am not going to continue down that path with Valentina, it stops here... I have done a lot to let her be a little girl for as long as possible... I am going to stand firm by not letting her have a phone for a few more years, I may have one she can use when she is out, so I can reach her but it will not be for use all day long.  Also, I have limited TV with her a great deal, I rarely watch it and I don't want her wasting her time for hours on end with it either.  When school is back, there will be no TV from Monday morning until Friday evening.  Can you call me the unpopular mama... oh well, that is what being a mama is about, not about being her friend and letting her have whatever she wants, it is about the tough decisions. The decisions made with love, the ones she will appreciate when she is older...

I think many of us as parents feel like we don't give our children enough time, so we try to compensate in other ways... I am one of the main culprits, I have a very long commute and I have little time with my Valentina... The answer does not lie in giving her more things, the answer lies in me giving her as much of me as I can, which I do now when I take her out for a walk each night... it also lies in those tough decisions I make with love because that is what they are, I love Valentina, I want the best for her and sometimes making those unpopular decisions are extremely tough. However; it is because I love her that I make the tough decisions, the ones where she feels as though I am a meanie and she 'hates' me... wants a new mama....

Believe me those words hurt a lot but I just keep on and eventually she comes around and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me... those times are worth it.  I am learning to be a stronger mama, I was not like that with Andrea... I was a weakling in many ways... I give the credit to Andrea for being so strong willed and to our church that helped her keep her morales above her friends.  I can't rely on Valentina being as strong as Andrea was that way... most children need to be guided with decisions made with love.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning The Light On My Pain

I read  a blog called scribbles from the ether that touched me today, Katie the author of the blog had left a sweet comment on mine, I always reciprocate and read the persons blog... and leave a comment thanking them.  I was drawn in immediately with her candid and open honesty... I connect well with people like that as I am the same way.  The last paragraph resonated with me, it gave me an answer to some issues I have been dealing with.  I have what she called an abusive relationship, hers is anorexia... how she used to feel it was her twin but how she now saw that no matter how much she might love her twin, she could see it as being much more abusive than helpful now that she is going through recovery.

She is right that the light or the good feelings that you get from the abusive relationship you are in (drinking, drugs, food... etc) end up being slivers compared to the pain and damage these relationships actually end up bringing.  I never really thought about it this way but her post clicked with me, I understood more that anything I do to myself to make me feel better and actually ends up hurting me more in the long run... needs to be eliminated from my life.  The small amount of good feelings that come from attempts at making myself happy through these things are just not worth it anymore. 

I know I am not writing it nearly as eloquently as she did, Katie was just being truthful about her addiction with anorexia and how she keeps herself from going back down that road daily... she remembers that although it felt good to have control, the side effects were not worth it ultimately. It doesn't start out that way, it starts out feeling good most of the time but than it slowly feels less and less good... That is the way it is with many addictions we hold onto in life, mine is overeating... or more precisely eating the wrong things...

I want to be on the healing side of that addiction, the first step is seeing that although the food I eat may be tasty and might bring me comfort at the time.... it ends up being a burden carrying the extra weight around, that doesn't feel good at all.  I have to have a relationship with food but I need to get into the healthy side of that one... I needed to read what she wrote because it turned a light on inside me that I am looking forward to keeping turned on more often today and in the future....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Choice Is Mine Whether It's Good Or Bad

First an update on my leg, I finally could not handle the pain, I made an appointment with my doctor.  I saw her this evening, not only did my cholesterol pills leave my legs weak as they can cause major muscle damage.  I was lucky to catch it so early, it has not done long term damage... all my blood work came back excellent.  Also, I have damaged my knee and I will have to use a cane, ugh... nothing like a cane to make you look aged.  I love that I look a good 6 to 8 years younger than I am but I won't look young with a cane.

It should only be for six weeks as she feels it will heal without so much stress on it.  So tomorrow I am off to buy a cane, I need one that makes me look young... lol.  Then I have to get ex rays of my knee and leg and then I get to go to work, what an awesome day I have ahead of me, I can't wait.  Now onto a topic that my sister and I discussed.  

My sister asked me yesterday morning what was worse, using bad addictions (whatever they are) to deal with pain?  Which I don't see that people are all that happy with their addictions, she agreed. Then she said or is it really better to deal with the pain in a good way (by whatever method, ie counseling, exercising, writing) and yet still not be all that happy either.

I'm not even sure how to answer that, just because I have spent this last year working non stop with counseling, blogging, cleanses, mentor groups.  I have worked on a lot of good things this year; it's true I'm further along but I'm still nowhere near as happy as I want to be and know I can be, as I have felt sheer and blissful joy.  I know it exists, so I am always hopeful that I will have it again and soon.

I haven't answered this for myself yet though, I waffle between getting through the pain by all the best methods positively but I don't always succeed and I fall back to those addictions that help to numb me so I don't feel everything so easily, like eating the wrong food, watching TV just so I don't have to think of anything important.  I have done much worse a few years ago but I have learned from those choices... I want to look back in 6 months, a year and see that I have even grown further from this.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Overcoming Addictions

I need to listen to myself more; I know deep down what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm going.  Just because some people doubt this doesn't mean it's not meant to be.

I think being so sick centered me, I was so in tune with how I felt.  It wasn't even something I could cover up.  Nothing would have really worked, I just had to let it run its course.  Plus I was able to see and feel things I might not have otherwise seen.

I was thinking about all the addictions I've had in my life and how all they truly ended up being, were things to cover up pain, something to stop me from feeling.  Since I no longer have those addictions I find myself actually feeling, it's painful but it's the only way I can heal.

If I don't allow myself to feel, then I will never heal and grow to my potential.  The more I feel, the more I want to cover the pain but I made myself a promise that I won't cover it anymore.  I have to keep a promise to myself sometime. 

All this means is that I can cry just like that and laugh the next minute.  Although it's difficult to see at the moment, I know there is beauty in feeling, for if we refuse to feel pain we will never really feel joy.  I want to feel true joy!

I've had many addictions, I was the queen of covering up and not feeling; there is little I haven't done to not feel.  I don't think poorly of myself, I was a hurt little girl inside who couldn't see a way out, it didn't mean I was bad, it meant I was sad.

If Heavenly Father can forgive me, I don't have to worry about what other people think of those addictions.  As David says and I believe whole heartedly, I am not my past; I have found a different way to deal with my pain now, it's called feeling my emotions.

Is it hard to feel?   You bet it is but the alternative isn't an option anymore.  Every time I feel like sliding I first think of Heavenly Father, then myself and then David (three people I no longer want to disappoint).

Always put your fears behind you and your dreams in front of you.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield