Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

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Turning A Corner To Loving Myself No Matter What

I ended up having a great walk/jog last night... so much so that once it cools down I'm going for another one tonight.  Last nights exercise was for one point seven miles, I would love to go for the full two miles.  I can only do these in the evening or on the weekends as I carry a backpack to work which makes it uncomfortable to jog while wearing it...

I not only did that walk/jog last night, I did the two miles tonight... it was awesome.  I think I am becoming an exercise junky... I love the adrenaline and how strong I feel... I also know that  with the added exercise I am incorporating into my life that it means I will be gaining muscle which will mean that I might slow down on the weight loss but it will help me to burn calories better.  Regardless, there is no turning back now, I know that I can do this, it is all within my reach... the only one that can stop me is me.

I was feeling overwhelmed last night and my mind/body/soul ... that small voice we have inside wasn't enjoying the emotions I had to feel.  The first thing I thought was why not do this?  Why not do that?  You don't have to feel this, there is a way out of these feelings.  I thought long and hard about opting out of feeling, not wanting to have to deal with the painful thoughts that were there.  Then I threw on my yoga pants, my tank top, grabbed my phone and went for a walk/jog... It felt good... it didn't stop the sad feelings but it felt good not to fall into the old traps I used to fall into.

Every single day is a battle for me as I am sure it is for everyone else... everyday I think it would be easier to just give up, give in... Thankfully, there is something inside me that is pushing me this time, telling me I can do it, I can succeed... Going backwards might mean I would never move forward again.  Although moving forward is hard, really hard... the hardest thing I have ever done, I am doing it.

I had a really long talk with my sister today and she asked me some tough questions, the same things she asked herself... why do we think so little of ourselves that we accept less then we deserve?  She wonders if it is because we felt so ignored by our father growing up, we wanted him to notice that our ex step mother Ruth was abusing us and he seemed so oblivious to it all... like we didn't matter.  We all had our ways of trying to get his attention, trying to make him see that we needed him to protect us.  We didn't know then that he was so damaged himself that he was incapable of seeing how much we were hurting.

Even as an adult I can see now that he just wasn't capable of seeing his surroundings, he was in pain too... he used drugs, alcohol, food and women to cover all the pain he was carrying inside.  Unfortunately we as little girls didn't understand that and we all kept trying to make some man love us, surely if some man could love us, we were worthy of love... Through the years with counseling and self growth, I have come to love myself and realize that no man would ever love me unless I were to love myself.

I think that was why losing my David was so difficult, I had come to a point in my life that I loved myself and felt that it was really possible for someone to love me too... Then he didn't love me either and I started going backwards but none of it felt good... none of it covered the pain... I had to deal with it... and it was so hard, I had to come to a point in my life that I had to continue to love myself no matter what...  I realized that it was David's loss for not seeing how wonderful we could be together... how much we could enrich each others lives.

I am worth loving, I deserve to be loved... I love myself and I am not going to forget that... that little girl inside me may still feel lost at times and may feel that I need to do anything possible to cover the pain but I will not let her pain be mine.  I will love her until she loves herself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Father Gary

Dad on a pony at 5 years old

I have been wanting to write about my dad for sometime, I just needed to find some of my favorite pictures of him. First off, forgive me for being a little technically challenged... when I scan the pictures I have no idea how to crop them... oh my.

This first picture is when my dad was only 5 years old and he had his picture taken on a pony... apparently this was something people did in the era my dad was born.  He was born in 1940, I don't know how long after he was born that my grandparents separated and then divorced because no one ever really talked about when it all took place.  Anyhow my dad was raised by a single parent, he did see his dad often as my grandfather was really into camping, skating, boating, swimming... on and on and he would take my dad out on many of these excursions.

My dad had huge dreams, he wanted to be a movie star and he set out to cross Canada by hitch hiking and working along the way... he told me it was one of the best times of his life, traveling to so many places and seeing this beautiful country of ours. When he had saved enough money in one place, he would just get up and go to the next place... He made his way down through Washington and Oregon, on his way to California so that he could get to Hollywood.  He definitely had the looks, believe me, these pictures don't do justice to show how extremely handsome he was... My dad was a young father, he was only 18 when my sister Kimmy was born, so he was always younger than most of my friends dads.

We always thought he was the cool dad, the in style dad... he wasn't frumpy, he was forever taking us camping, snowmobiling, boating. skating, sliding and swimming to name a few.  He wasn't big on being involved with us otherwise except when it came to doing outdoor activities.  As children we totally loved this time with him, we would always have fun... it was a great way to get time away from Ruth (ex psycho step mother).

 My dad in front of a big rig that he drove

While we were growing up, my dad drove everything and anything for a living, he drove a taxi, a big rig, a tow truck... not to mention the items he drove for fun, a snowmobile, boat, motorbike, dune buggy... etc. I have to say that there are only two people that I have driven in a car with that I felt completely comfortable and at ease, one was my dad the other is David. Both of them are calm and alert drivers, something not everyone is, I love how relaxed both of them are while driving but always paying attention.

My dad died in 2004 from heart failure.. he had a heart attack in 1995 and had to have a defibrillator put in to zap his heart back to start if it ever got out of rhythm... I had a couple of really scary times with him, once when I married Andrey and my dad was dancing the Jitterbug (he was quite the dancer... he even danced in New York City), anyhow, he ended up having to go to emergency due to the dancing... that put an end to the festivities at my wedding... the other time was a year after I was married, I was pregnant but ended up miscarrying... he rushed me to the hospital in the nick of time.  I had to be rushed into emergency surgery, this stress caused another issue with his heart. 

My dad had a pretty difficult up bringing, first being raised by a single mom, then having to go to a home for boys (where a priest molested him), to being a young father who then lost his daughter Kimberly (our sister) in the fire. He had many tragic events happen to him over his life time but he never stopped dreaming big dreams.  We used to joke around that dad was such a big dreamer but as I got older and talked to him, I realized he lived a great deal of his dreams.  Most of us never get to travel all over North America, he saw most of it and worked in many of the States and Canada, he was never settled... always thinking of the next thing he wanted to do.

Although I always thought he was so cool, I now think he was like a teenager that never grew up... It was great to have him as that sort of dad as he was fun... however; fun is good but there are times you have to be involved in the adult world.  He was terrible at making decisions, he either took forever to make them or he was rash and went for them without any thought... either way they were rarely good ones. He was happy though, he followed his heart and from all that he told me, he felt like he had lived his life to the fullest.

Of course my dad never made it to Hollywood as he met my mom in Oregon and the rest as they say is history.

Two of my favorite pictures of my dad and my sister when we were little

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Enjoy The View

"I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view."

- Michael York
This quote above is true... it seems we all want a clear sailing path without the rejection or sadness but what would we learn from having a life that never had real growth opportunities?  Would we truly be happy, joyful and grateful?  I know we would all like to think that we would, I would hope that I had those qualities... However; I have seen in my own life that when things are wonderful, I tend to get lost in myself and I stop giving of me to others as I should.  Not on purpose by any means... I think trials are sometimes given to me to remind me that I am here for a higher purpose or reason than just to make myself happy.

Although I am not thrilled to admit this to myself, I would not be honest if I didn't admit that many of the trials I have gone through, I have brought on myself by poor decisions.  I know as a mother that when one of my children has made a choice that wasn't appropriate, I have had to give out consequences... In the past I was the kind of parent that would just give in because I didn't want to deal with the fall out of what discipline can bring but I have learned that unless I am firm with my resolve and I learn to understand that I am not showing love my giving in, I am showing that there are no real consequences to their actions.

I liken this to myself because although I don't want to see my children unhappy and uncomfortable, I do want them to know that a lot of the time they can avoid these feelings by making better choices in their lives.  I didn't have very good roll models when I was growing up with Ruth my ex step mother and my father.  My father let us do whatever, he was like a big teenager and he was never really a parent... case in point, when my mother and father reunited when I was fifteen, my dad didn't just let us smoke or drink, he actually bought these for us...  WOW... at the time I thought this was cool... yeah... once I became a parent I thought this was insane...  and Ruth, well let's just say she isn't really worth my words or time. 

Instead of rewarding bad behavior, I show love... I sometimes think that some of the trials we are given are to show us love... there is no trial that is easy but those trials we bring on ourselves seem the hardest to handle.  Instead of focusing on the trials lately, I have been enjoying the view along that path, the trial won't last forever and I want to learn the lesson I need to, so that I will stop repeating the poor choices I have made in the past.

This is not to say that there are not trials that happen that absolutely none of us deserve, some that are almost beyond comprehension but I have learned that although painful, there is always something that I come away with and it almost invariably strengthens me.  It's like that story about how we are always being refined and polished to become the best person we are capable of becoming, which is truly much more than we are really aware of....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Mother Ann

 

With today being Women's day, I have been thinking of my mother... she was born Dona Alieen Reed on July 11, 1934 in Salem Oregon.  Her father's name was Robert Reed, he was not to be a part of my moms life as he passed away before she was two years old.  She had no memories of him and her mother, my grandmother never spoke of him, never explained what happened.

From the time my mom was a little girl, she was raised by her grandparents and her aunts and uncles outside of Salem Oregon on their farms.  She was quite the tom boy growing up, she went without shoes as often as she could... even burying the shoes that were bought for her often.  My mom also had very long (to her ankles) red hair, that she had braided; she asked often if she could have her hair cut, no one would allow her to get her hair cut... she decided one day to cut the braid off herself.

She then had the short hair she desired... she went to live with her mom in Salem when she was a teenager, by this time her mother had met and married another man.  He from all accounts was a wonderful, kind and caring man who was more a parent to my mother than her own mother. She came to love this man as her father and talked fondly of him her whole life.

When my mother was 17, she had met Dale and they married.  They had three children together, Helen, Darlene and Cheryl... a couple of years after Cheryl was born my mother and Dale separated. I must say, my mother always talked highly of Dale... it just never worked out for them.  Not too long after they had separated, my mother became pregnant with another child... she was about five months along when my father was passing through Salem on his way to Hollywood (he had dreams of being a movie star).  My father worked a ton of odd jobs crossing Canada from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Oregon... he had stopped there to pick fruit in the orchards to make money to go to Hollywood.

My father met a man while working in the orchards who was friends with my mother... this is how my parents met.  My father was just 18 and my mom was 24 at the time... my father lied about his age... hahaha... by the time my mom found out how old he was, she was in love with him and it didn't matter to them.  My parents traveled around the states, first they went to Florida when mom was due to deliver and she gave her daughter up for adoption.  It wasn't as easy to be a single mom in those days and everyone knew my dad was not the father.

My parents were to stay together for nearly ten years, they had four girls together, Kimberly, me, Shelly and Lisa.  I always chuckle and say how my parents were like gypsies...  they traveled back and forth from Halifax to Salem in a red Volkswagen bug.  My sister Kimberly was born in Salem Oregon in 1961, I was born in Halifax in 1963, Shelly was born in Salem in 1964 and my sister Lisa was born in Halifax in 1966.  The babies stopped here, only because the birth control pill was readily available.

After the fire in October 1964, where my sister Kimberly didn't survive... my parents finally settled in Halifax and tried to make their relationship work.  It was not to be though as my father decided he wanted to live in Toronto and drive big rigs.  Once we moved there, my father ended up meeting Ruth and at the young age of six, I was separated from my mother and was not to see her again until I was fifteen years old.

My father had my mom come to Halifax to meet us, she and I became incredibly close to each other (I also met my baby sister Krista at this time).  I kept up the close relationship for many years... my mother and father tried to rekindle their relationship but after two years, my father left again.  I saw this almost break my mother... she loved my father more than she had loved any man in her life.  I know she had hoped that somehow they would find their way back together... it never happened though.

Some memories I remember as a child (very few)... one time I went to a friends after school without telling my mom... I remember how scared she was, not angry... just scared... I knew she loved me.  Another memory was when she was making pancakes for us, I was five... my parents had been discussing something serious.  My father left the house and I saw my mother looking out the window, she was sad... years later I found out this was about the time my father was running around with Ruth and not long after they separated.

My mom passed away a few years ago, it was quite sudden to me as she had been fine, apparently she had some stomach issues... she went into the hospital and she passed away there, my sister Darlene was with her near the end as she lived in Salem and I lived here in Halifax.  I know my mom made mistakes in her life... who hasn't... not one of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes but my mom really did the best she could with the way she was raised.  She knew very little love growing up and when she finally found the love she was missing with my dad... that didn't work out but she never stopped loving him.

I don't have a lot of memories when I was a little girl but the ones of my mother were good, I felt loved and safe then.  It was a long time before  I would ever feel that way again...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Fire - 48 Years Ago‏

So, I've told this story hundreds of times if not thousands, even though I have no real memory of it.  Here is the story from all the collective sources. (My mom, my dad, my grandmother and a few newspaper clippings).

My mom and dad who had been together for about five years had three children.  There was my sister Kimmy (Kimberly Albina Rhyno) me (Launna Randy Rhyno) and my sister Shelly (Rochelle Lynn Rhyno).  My mother's step father had been ill in 1964 and so my dad and mom traveled to Salem, Oregon from Halifax, Nova Scotia with Kimmy, me and mom was pregnant with Shelly.

They also brought Mary (a 16 year old girl they knew from Halifax) to help out.  While we were in Oregon Shelly was born that July and by September my parents started home to Halifax, Nova Scotia.  They drove through Washington into British Columbia and ended up stopping in Kelowna BC.

They decided to rent a cabin and worked by picking fruit for money.  The morning of Monday October, 12 Thanksgiving 1964, mom and dad left for work.  It was just Mary and myself that were up, I was nearly 15 months old.

My parents had left the Coleman stove out on the table. Apparently I pulled the stove off the table which had a gas tank attached to it at the exact same time that Mary was lighting the wood stove.  Everything burst into flames and I was in the center of it all. 

Kimmy was in the bedroom off to one side and Shelly was in the back bedroom.  Mary walked through the flames to save me.  She tried to talk Kimmy into coming but she was too afraid of the fire. Mary ran to the closest neighbor with me and they drove her and me to the orchard to let my parents know and someone called the firemen.

Mary and I were rushed to the hospital, my parents got back to the cabin to find it burned to the ground.  Kimmy had died, Shelly was pronounced dead at the scene (they revived Shelly on the way to the hospital).  They had seen me and I was massively burned.

I can see why my mother had a difficult time celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving as she nearly lost her whole family that day. My mom said she remembered very little for the first couple of weeks due to shock.  She remembered Kimmy being buried in red silk, her favorite color.

My father than fell apart and my mom sent him back to Halifax to be with his parents while she looked after Shelly and drove between two hospitals daily to see Mary and me.  Then on the 10th day in, Mary died (apparently she couldn't deal with the fact that Kimmy had died).

My mother was a strong woman but this even shook her.  She said she had nearly fallen to pieces but she had to be strong for my sister and me.  I was going through numerous operations, she was told I wouldn't live, then when I lived, she was told I wouldn't have feet to walk with and I'd be lucky to have patches of hair.

I was a fighter,  I survived and beat all the odds.  It was pretty amazing to survive after 60% of my body was burned, especially in 1964.   Anyhow I'm still walking with my feet the doctors thought I would lose and I have enough hair for two people. The plastic surgeons worked miracles and made it possible for me to live a fairly normal life.

I cry when I think about what my parents had to deal with, losing Kimmy the way they did.  They never overcame the grief and although they had my sister Lisa in 1966, they separated within a couple of years.  By 1969 my mom had left and I was not to see her again until 1978 when I was 15. 

My parents tried to reconcile but it didn't work out, which I feel was horribly sad.  My mother loved my father with her whole heart and she did until the day she died. My father was never truly happy, he searched his whole life and had addictions to cover the pain he had.

That fire in October 1964 ended up destroying my family and changing us all for the rest of our lives, we still deal with the repercussions to this day.

I am, however; extremely grateful to Mary for walking through the fire to save me, I'm thankful for the firemen who saved my sister Shelly, I'm indebted to the doctors who worked miracles on me.

There are blessings even in difficult times.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Am Who I Am

We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again.~Unknown

Okay, first and foremost, I am sorry if have been down in my blog... I have been sad.  It's my outlet to be able to say how I am feeling at any given moment.  As it is I only have one person in my life who I can really say how I feel and he has been super busy with his job and course.  I would say this to other people but I feel judged and I say this because anytime I am sad and I say that, people want to strongly remind me of how blessed I am.

I wish that everyone knew, really knew that I am extremely grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, they are numerous, when I start to count them, I could go on forever.  I am lucky, very lucky~I know that.  Sure I have had a difficult life, I have overcome one challenge after another.  I also know that I have not just survived, I have thrived.

When is it okay for me to be sad and unhappy?  Is there ever a good time?  Or am I supposed to be insanely happy all the time?  I know people don't know how to deal with someone when they are sad?  I do... I understand.  I get those people, I know that sometimes life is just a little bit too much.  That happens, if it didn't a person is not being real and I really want a person to be real with me.  It's all wonderful for them to be super happy and upbeat and I think that is awesome but I want to be able to just say how I feel whenever.  That is me... Since I am almost 49, getting close to 50, my take on this is like me as I am or don't.  I am not trying to have everyone like me, life is not a popularity contest, I am not going to be fake or phony.  I will always be me.

I spent my whole life trying to be whatever other people wanted me to be, no longer will I do this.  First, I had to be an angel with my step mother, she would just beat us for no reason, stand us in corners or closest for hours, beat us with a belt, a wooden fence piece one time, threatened to shoot me with rifle once, kicked me... I could go on but you get the picture.   She told me I was fat when I was 12 years old and weighed 107 lbs at 5 feet 6 inches... I was a rail... she told me that when a man loved me... it wouldn't be for what I looked like, he would have to see through that and love me for who I was... nice... really nice.

I don't even want to go into my father but I will, he was there, did whatever he could to keep his children, for what????  he didn't pay one bit of attention to us to see we lived in fear, to see we were unhappy, to see we were looking for love in all the wrong places... he only cared that he looked good for keeping his children, he didn't want to see what was going on, for if he did, he would have had to leave.  He didn't want to do anything about it because he couldn't see how he could raise 3 girls on his own, so he turned a blind eye.

Next I fell in love with a man at 23 years old, he was raised in Europe where in his mind he would never be able to bring me home to his parents because I had a child out of wedlock at the age of 18, so he then married a woman he didn't even love because he could take her home to his parents.  How do I know that he didn't love her, he told me, for years.  Then when he found out that Andrey held me down against my will and raped me, he said... what did I expect?  NOT THAT....  I didn't deserve that.  That phrase and that act finally made me get over him.

Next I married Andrey, maybe because I didn't think I could do any better, I don't know.   I could analyze this all day and not come up with a good enough answer. All I can say in my defense is that he was not nearly the jerk and creep that he is now, it got worse after we were married for a year.  No, I am not saying he was a prince when we were dating, I think that I just felt so little about myself and had given up.  I finally found a way to have him taken out of my life, then he raped me...  He couldn't handle not having control over me.  Well, he no longer has any control over me; he can get over himself.

Now, I finally got my self together in the last few years, finally started thinking better of myself, knowing I deserved real and honest love.  Along came David and he made me believe it was real.  I have never been more myself with another human being in my life.  We talked every single day for months, if we couldn't talk, we texted, we emailed.... we were crazy to see each other... the time came and it was awesome, it was incredible.   I felt loved, finally... I felt loved for me.  I could see a future... it was real to me.

Then that all fell apart too... can you see why I am sad?  I try every day to be happy regardless.   I think I have a right to be sad sometimes, I think I have a right to cry.   If I didn't I wouldn't be human.   I am who I am... like me or not.  I have been through hell and back.  I know other people have had difficult lives, I understand those people, I get how they feel.  In no way do I think mine is worse than others, in no way do I think that it gives me the right to be negative and sad all the time.

I do however have the right to be sad, my long term dream is gone.   I have always wanted one thing in this life, I have wanted to be loved and cherished by a man who really got me and I thought I had that... I don't.  So, I will go on, I will find a way to be happy, it just won't be tomorrow.  Since I am a survivor, I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be there for me in the future.  I still have hope for that but not for love.

I have two amazing daughters, I have many things other people would love to have and I am well aware of that... I am sorry if I sound selfish because I wanted long term love and I didn't get it.  However; I will never be sorry for having had it with David, even though it was short and it didn't last.  Even though it makes me sad right now, I will look back on this as one of the most wonderful times in my life.  For once in my life, I was truly happy and really felt loved and wanted.

Anyhow, I am sorry for the long post, I just needed to say how I felt because I was feeling like people don't think I have the right to be sad... we all have that right at times.  Sad things happen to us, we just need to not let it take us over for the rest of our lives and I won't but six months is not the rest of my life.  We all need to take time to grieve for loss, think about it that way and I hope you will all understand why I will be sad off and on for the next little while.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What Makes A Man A Real Man

I've been contemplating this all day, what makes a man a good father?  I had a dad who refused to give up his children but then didn't take an active role in our lives.  I think he did better then his own father who left his family when my dad was 10 years old, so my father was basically raised by a single mother, this was really hard to do in the early 1950's (it's difficult now but it had to have been incredibly hard in that era).   My father did the best that he could with what he knew at the time. 

I feel that what makes a man a really good father is the men that have had really difficult childhoods who rose above them and became amazing daddies.  David is one of these, he was raised by his mother alone since the age of 5 and he didn't have a role model of a great father, yet he became an amazing daddy to his children.  You can tell he is a great daddy by the way his daughter dotes on him, I find it very refreshing.

I know there are so many fathers who have not had perfect upbringings themselves but they have overcome their childhoods to become wonderful and caring daddies.  I wish more men took their roles of being a daddy as the most important role in their lives.  There can be many ways a man can gain respect but having the respect of their children is the biggest thing they can ever do.  Sometimes I think that this world doesn't respect when a man is a good father, the world thinks it is more important to succeed in their careers... that is sad.

I think this is just another problem in this world that holds a career in higher regards for a man than how he is as a father.  This is why I love when I see a man who shows up and proves the world wrong by being an incredible daddy.  I see many amazing daddies at my church who think of their children as the precious and wonderful beings that they are.

I want to wish every wonderful father an amazing Father's Day.  In my life there are two incredible fathers that I know, first there is my wonderful and amazing son-in-law Paul Miller, first he is an awesome husband to my beautiful daughter Andrea and a wonderful father to my adorable grandson Jackson.  I love seeing pictures of him snuggling with Jackson.  Also, my David is an incredible daddy, you can tell this by how his daughter expresses the love she has for her daddy when she talks of him.   I think these two daddies in my life are wonderful examples of what makes a man amazing.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Silly Insecurities

Since I cannot communicate with David I am feeling the need to write more than ever.  I feel a little lonely and sad which is really silly since I have so many wonderful family and friends in my life.  I am truly lucky and blessed.  I feel a little selfish for feeling lonely and sad; then I remember that I do have the right to feel the way I do.

I guess this all stems back to growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who wouldn't allow us to have feelings.  Really, if we cried she'd tell us that she would give us something to cry about and than she would proceed to follow through.  She was so insecure with herself that she felt the need to tear people down, she especially had no issues with tearing down children and making them feel small.  How very sad was that, that she felt this made her feel better about herself?

I'm glad that I can see her for what she was, a very unhappy and bitter woman who deep down didn't love herself and had no idea how to love another person.  I overcame that with her, I always believed there was better then that.  I believed in love.

When I finally got to meet my mother when I was 15 she told me that I was one of her strongest children.  I stood up for what I wanted and believed in, I always did. There were so many times that Ruth and dad would be close to separating and Ruth would sit us down and ask who we wanted to live with?  I would choose dad every time, which always got me in trouble because they never parted until I was much older.

I'm still glad that I stood up for myself though, it was my way of letting her know she wasn't going to control me forever.  Finally when I was 15 my dad came to his senses and left her. When I walked out that day, I was never going to return even if I had to live on the street. I was free!

Later when I ended up marrying Andrey and feeling trapped, I came to the conclusion that I could care less about things.  All I wanted was to be free of Andrey, I wanted to take Valentina and look after her without his input.  The day that I became free of him (April 3rd, 2009) was one of the best days of my life.

Ever since then I refuse to ever be controlled again, that is not love.  Love is freedom to be yourself and not be ridiculed. David taught me that, I had been floating along for a few years messed up in my way of thinking and he came along and showed me that loving myself and respecting myself was the only way to live truly free.

Once I finally understood that; I changed my way of thinking.  I realize I am a  valuable and wonderful woman who deserves to be loved.  How I wish I could talk to David, is it May 10th yet? LOL.

Waiting is not one of my strong suits.  Part of my worry about not being able to talk to David for so long was that I was afraid he would forget me. Really??  There goes my insecurities, they are even getting old to me. He won't forget me, he's my best and closest friend, he loves me and I love him. We will always be close to each other no matter what happens in the future.

How Do I Learn To Love A Man That Is Only Available To Me?

My sister and I were talking in great depth tonight about why we continually choose unavailable men.  It has to do with how we were raised, being abandoned by our mother who had absolutely no contact with us for 10 years.  When we finally did have contact she had every excuse in the book for not having any contact with us, she tried to justify it with so many reasons.  I forgive my mother, she was in pain, just wanting to be loved and not knowing how to ask for that love. She only raised one child of all the nine children she had, I used to think I would have loved being raised by her, she was cool, understanding, not abusive; my youngest sister was raised by her and now I a realize how lucky I was not to be raised by her.  I am stronger for what I went through, I am independent, my baby sister is not.

Next I was raised by my father and my ex step mother Ruth, she was so incredibly abusive.  She was degrading and hurtful in every way she could be but what my father did was worse, he was there and he was blind to what was going on.  Even worse was my grandmother who knew what was going on but never stood up for us; often what hurts us more is the people who are supposed to love and protect us that turn a blind eye to what is going on for fear that they would have to change. What Ruth did was intolerable but I am free from her and all the degradation, however; as much as I have tried to free myself from how my father dealt with the situation, I continue to choose men that are totally unavailable to me.

I honestly have forgiven my father, my mother and even Ruth... they were all so screwed up and didn't love themselves enough. I want to be better than them, I know that I wouldn't turn a blind eye to my children if they were living in a painful situation.  I would act and change it for them, no matter what it meant changing in my life.  I am glad I did learn a lesson from everything that I dealt with.  Mostly I learned that I am not my past, I can be and I am better than anything I was or dealt with in the past.  I am really a strong and tenacious woman, someone who rebounds continually from difficult and life changing issues.

The only thing I cannot seem to learn is how not to be attracted to unavailable men.  I have come so far in my life, I am independent, I have a great career, I have awesome and amazing friends.  I am a good, kind, loving and wonderful person, I have not allowed the past to define who I am, however; I cannot seem to choose a man who loves only me, who is available to only me.  I have so much to offer the right man, I am faithful, honest, giving, loving, kind... even more I believe that I am deserving of real love.  I never used to believe that but I do now.

How do I learn to love a man that is available to only me?  If I don't learn that lesson I will forever be alone. I am truly hoping that this cleanse will help me to figure this out.  I have been highly emotional and it has only been a couple of days.  I am sure there will be many more times where I will cry and be angry while doing this cleanse but I'm doing it to grow and to figure out what I need to do to change the patterns in my life that no longer serve me.

Lessons Of Love And Self Worth

I've been pondering how I got to the point where I thought I was not enough and where I thought it was okay to settle for less.  I know we learn a lot from our parents while growing up.  Mine were not great model parents, they were suffering from their own feelings of self worth.

My mother held onto loving one man all her life, even though they were rarely together.  She held on to this love for my father for nearly 50 years, I wonder if she missed out on real love, holding on to an idea of love.  My father was with more women than I think he could have counted, all trying to fill a void in his life.  If he had just actually committed to one woman, he may have found what he was lacking.

So, I somehow never understood that I  was enough...  I always felt like I had to fight for love, I've learned the lesson that I am enough, I am more than enough and that any man who wants me will have to make me feel special.  I will do the same for the right man, I don't want to be in competition for someones love...

My best friend helped me to understand that, why weren't he and I best friends all our lives?  If we had, I would have learned my self worth so much sooner... he refuses to let me see less than the best in myself.  He tells me I am wonderful and special regularly, everyone needs to know that.  I think he is amazing and more grounded than most people I know.

I know what I want now, I'm willing to wait... I want nothing less than the best.  I have some changes to make but at least I have a goal to work towards, when we don't have goals we don't grow.  

My oldest daughter somehow was strong enough to know her self worth despite my lack of it, I am hoping that now that I understand my self worth that I can teach that to my youngest.  Self worth starts at home, it starts with me, knowing that I am special helps me be a better mother, partner, friend, sister....  the list goes on.

That is the legacy I want to leave my daughters, they are more than enough just being themselves and that loving isn't about pain or competition.  When they love themselves, love will be drawn to them naturally.  I finally learned that for myself.