Facing What Is Real

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Some things have changed drastically in my life in the past week, hence why I took a break from blogging and social media.  All the changes were causing me to lose more sleep than I normally do and frankly I can barely function on the little bit of sleep I am usually able to get.  Add into that one more overly stressful issue and I was lucky to be getting a couple of hours of broken sleep each night, even with the sleeping pills my doctor had given me. Wednesday night I was near my breaking point, I had only slept two hours the night before and not all together, I then went to work because I am a single mama and I cannot afford to take off unpaid time, no matter what.  I also had set up some times to visit some ladies from our church earlier in the week for that night.

I know I could have cancelled and I had thought about it as my nerves were raw and the smallest thing could send me over the edge.  I went for the visits though and I ended up being grateful that I did, it changed my perspective on an issue that I felt so totally out of control with... I was told about a talk that was given at one of our church functions; many times I have been told about talks and thought... hmmm, I should read that, this one really peaked my curiosity.  I came away from the visits exhausted but uplifted and when I got home, I took a sleeping pill and drifted off to sleep, now I didn't sleep through the whole night but I definitely got more rest then the previous nights.  On the way to work, I searched for the talk on my phone and read it, it resonated with me in a way it may not have for other people.

That is the thing about talks, each of us gets different information and ideas as they pertain to our situations. What I learned from this talk is that this earthly life is a blip, it is just here for the now, the eternity is what is important and everything works itself out in the eternities... What I mean by that is that just because something does not work out the way we want it to here, does not mean that it won't be different there.  So I wrote on my Facebook wall, 'Yours for now, mine for an eternity' ... some people questioned me about what this meant.  For me, it means I need to stop worrying about now and everything will take care of itself. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I also need to write another thing, in this day of information and technology, unless you are just talking to someone, everything is documented somewhere.  I know that and this is why I am very careful about what I say and who I say it to.  I only speak my heart to people that I truly trust ... as well if anyone says anything to me, they can know that it will never go anywhere... I can be trusted fully.  Unfortunately I have trusted the wrong people in the past but I have lived and learned through that, that is why I now have a very small circle of trusted friends.

I see my doctor in November again and I am going to talk to her about seeing someone I can talk to ... On the council of a very good and trusted friend, I am going to find someone I can talk to about all of the changes that I have had to deal with in the past couple of years.  This good friend is right, it is always good to speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your situation, it could give a new light on some trials and issues I have had to deal with... I am really grateful that there is not the stigma that there used to be about getting counselling like there was many years ago.  Only good can come from this, if anything it will give me a safe place to say all that I feel.

My blog is kind of that place, only it is opened to whoever wants to read it... which is fine, I will always write here openly and honestly as that is who I am.  I think I need to reiterate something here, just to make myself totally clear.  I am losing weight and I am continuing on my path to lose weight and get healthy for me and for me alone.  I am NOT doing this for anyone, as I have stated to some people, if I was doing this for someone or something, I would not be able to sustain it.... I am doing this for me.

Also, my blog is about how I feel inside, that is why it goes up and down, I write down whatever I am feeling at any given time... I write from the heart and maybe I shouldn't always write what is in my heart all the time. Unfortunately that is me, I write what I feel, I also say what I feel too... I know that it can be hard for people, especially the people that are close to me.  I will make a concerted effort to not write about those people so much in the future but I will always write about myself.  This is where I have my voice, Andrey and other people tried to take that away from me in the past...

As with life, friendships go in up and down phases too... I believe if you are really friends, that time will work out any issues that might come between you.  Just as life issues get worked out in time... I make mistakes, we all make mistakes but I believe in forgiving and I believe that I can be forgiven too.  Sometimes when we are hurting on the inside, it blinds us to what is real.  We don't always want to see the real because it can hurt a lot but I am looking at the real, I am facing it, if I didn't I couldn't be successful in my life style changes.

The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.

Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Me Before And After

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I promised myself that once I had lost enough weight that I noticed it... not someone else.. me...that I would do a blog post of my before and after.  I had many people coming up to me in the past while talking about how much weight I had lost.  They were right, it was a lot... To date, I have lost 53 pounds in 15 weeks... I will tell you this, last week when I had to deal with one of the most devastating things I have dealt with, I lost a little more weight than I should have... that happens when I don't eat properly, I don't sleep very much, I have actually had this happen to me in the past; when I have had very difficult circumstances in my life.  I will say this only once and I will then leave it in the past, last Monday was an extremely hard and sad day for me, harder than any other day I have ever had to deal with...

I am going forward though, it isn't going to be easy... each day is hard, really hard... the kind where I want to pull the blanket up over my head and say forget it, I am done... I just don't want to do this anymore... but everything is telling me that it isn't done... this is a blip... this is just a plot twist... What I mean is that when I took the time to sit down, really talk this over with a very good friend (no not my David... he is very busy still healing, he needs all his energy for that) but another friend who is very understanding as well... she opened my eyes and reminded me that everything is not as it seems just because it is on the surface... Monday is similar to a plot twist in a movie, unfortunately it is in my life and if I can remember that, that is all that it is... that truthfully, when it is all said and done, everything will be as it should be.  Some things were meant to be and somethings were meant to be tested to see how much we really want them.

Anyhow I decided that today was the day that I would share my before and after... I can see it, I can see the change... With this, it has only spurred me on to continue on this path... I feel like I am finally accomplishing what I have always said I wanted to but never did anything about.  Finally I am putting me first... One of my favorite bloggers is going to do a post about me and I am truly honored that she would want to... so for my post I am not going into any great detail as I know she will want to write about that side of it... I am just here to say that since I can see it, I wanted to finally share it... I still have a ways to go but I will get there, I am committed 100%, if I take a day, I get right back... I am motivated beyond what I ever thought possible when I started my journey. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Sharing Your Dreams With Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

The song 'Save The Best For Last' by Vanessa Williams came to mind last night and wouldn't leave me because of one simple verse...

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through?
I wondered what was wrong with you?
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else?
And share your dreams with me?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see... 

This song came to me and wouldn't leave because my David is home and will be for six weeks, he is feeling a bit better by the way.  He does feel like a turtle on his back and says he even laughs at himself when he is getting up, he has an awesome sense of humor, he continually makes me laugh. Anyhow, we have been talking a lot, about everything, like we used to everyday... we always talk about everything because that is the way we are with each other but sometimes because of work we don't always have the time. Now that he is off, we have the time and the verse came to me because it's so true, we share everything with each other that we would never share with another.  Yet he dates other people, I didn't understand how he could share his dreams with me and still date others... ?

Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that he and I are just very close, we always will be... I tell him everything and he tells me everything, we feel safe with each other and trust each other implicitly ... neither one of us would ever betray each others trust, neither one of us would ever want to truly hurt the other one.  I guess that is what makes us best friends.

If I was dating a man that was best friends with a woman like David and I are, I don't know if I could handle it... I would truly have to trust that man and that is not always easy.  However; if I was with David and he had other women friends, it would never bother me because I trust him completely.  It is all about trust, I wonder if any of the women in David's life will have a problem with me?  It actually doesn't matter though because David and I will always continue to be best friends no matter what... nothing will come between us ever...

I can't wait to go to Alberta in April... I am looking forward to seeing parts of it and just being able to sit, talk and laugh with my David. I have not been past Ontario since I was very young and I have always had the desire to visit out west, mostly British Columbia which I will see one day but Alberta has been on my list too... I am going to take lots of pictures when I am there.  I will want them all for my memories, especially ones with my David and me... I really can't wait to see the look on my David's face when I get off the plane, people that see me all the time tell me constantly how much of a change there is in me... I told David he won't recognize me...

My David told me the other night that I deserve someone very special, I told him he was right... I understand that I have undervalued myself for many years... most of my life... however; I now know that I deserve the best and I am not settling for anything less than that... I would rather be alone than to ever be with anyone who didn't deserve me again.  I thought I would never say that and really mean it but I do mean it with all my heart...

I love that I am keeping with my vision of eating healthy and exercising regularly, I always feel so much better when I do... the past couple of days it has been dreary and rainy, so near impossible for me to walk.  I can actually feel the stress build when I can't exercise... strange... yet this explains why I used to eat or do other things to cover the stress... now I exercise and I end up feeling so much better at the end of it... It is such an awesome stress reliever...  Time for me to start the next chapter of my life, that is the one where I join the Canada Games Center and really start taking care of myself and Valentina... then I will never have an excuse not to exercise...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Laughter Is Truly Needed

 

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Oh how I have missed blogging, I have not gone this many days in a great long while... I keep wanting to write but I am so busy.  I am continually trying to keep up with the blogs I follow... I may have to give myself a break there once and a while if I am going to get anything else done.  Also, I have ramped up my exercise, I couldn't walk yesterday morning as it was kind of rainy and really damp, I decided to bus it and then use the stationary bike at work... can I say wow... my thighs are feeling it this morning.  Anytime you change your routine up, you can feel it... it just means I am on the right path.... So I biked for 20 minutes before work and sweat like crazy... then I went back and did it again at lunch... I even went an extra mile from morning.

Then I was reading some updates on Facebook and one of the girls in the contest has been walking for the past couple of days... yesterday, she updated that she was going for a 5K, I was like, congratulations... now I need to go for a 5K, lol.  Have I told you that I am highly competitive, just in case you are not aware.  I walked/jogged for just about 3 miles last night... my best time for the length of time I went for.  I am so feeling that in my joints this morning.  What do you think I am going to do today?  I am going to bike this morning and at lunch and if at all possible, I am going to walk tonight, it of course depends on the weather... which is threatening thundershowers.

I also measured myself, so in three weeks, I have lost 3 inches of my hips and 5 inches off my waist... this exercise is so worth it... I can see this weight loss even if I am just wearing my nightgown.  How I wish I had put the two together years ago but I cannot beat myself up for that, I just have to go with it now and be very grateful that I can do this exercise now and that I am thrilled to be eating so healthy these days. I really think for a healthy lifestyle to take hold, I have to be in the right frame of mind... I am hoping I can drop at least 1-2 pounds this week, especially after I lost a big number last week. I just don't want to plateau or gain while I am on the contest... it is only a short 11 weeks, Friday will be the seventh week, with only a four short weeks remaining.

I don't give myself much time to think about anything but exercising and eating healthy, I know I have to give myself time to do other things or this lifestyle won't stick as I cannot continue to only do this and work... that is not what life is about long term..  Yes, I will ALWAYS exercise and truly I want to... I feel better, I feel stronger and I see the benefits but I understand that I cannot do this 7 days a week for the rest of my life.  I talked to a girl at work who dropped a lot of weight and she has made it to her goal weight, she told me now that she is there, she has to work out hard three days a week to maintain... I think three days a week is doable... I am looking forward to be able to do this in about a year or so... until then, it will be 6-7 days a week.

Part of the reason that I don't give myself time to think is because of my David... if I did... I would probably be melancholy... however; the moment I feel that, I go out and exercise until I feel better... love those endorphins.  I remember in the beginning how I thought I had sweat... this past week I have had to peal my clothes off from how hard I have made myself walk/jog/bike...  I can't stay with the same routine, I have to ramp it up a little at a time or it will not be helpful in the long run.  I want so much to talk to my D for more than a few words each day, I miss being able to spill my insides out to him... I love how I can say anything to him and that he still thought I was wonderful.  I haven't had that for so long because of him having to plan a large and detailed exercise and then he had to go out on the exercise... then he was busy writing up about this in great detail.  Finally he went on vacation and now this would be the best time but I am so incredibly busy with exercising that by the time he comes on line, I have to crawl into bed.

The old me would have stayed up until 11 or 12 and talked to him, the me of today is usually off line no later than 10... I am so committed to this that I don't allow myself to stay up as late as I usually did in the past... Besides my body says it has had enough and I usually have no choice in the matter.  One thing though, I really wish I could sleep through the whole night, I am still waking up about every 2-3 hours... I fall right back to sleep but I still wake up... which gives me broken sleep.  I really miss my best friend, I need one of those chats we have where we laugh non stop for an hour, that's what we do... we talk a mile a minute and we never lack for words and the laughter is unbelievable... I haven't been able to really let go for a while... I have been holding in a lot which I know isn't always good long term... I just don't want to get off track while I am on this contest... I so need to be focused.

I keep telling myself that in September I will be able to give myself a night a week but then I will be training for the 5K that I am going to run in October... I will have to really focus on that.  I think I will just have to take that me time and talk to my best friend so that I don't let everything pile up and then spill over... maybe not in a good way... I need to be healthy about this.  I don't want to be back at square one, I love the new committed me, I am loving all the changes I have made and I love the path I am on... I want to stay here and continue on to see how far I can make it down this path.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Life's A Lesson, Live It, Learn It, Love It

I ended up having a pretty good day with Valentina... I had wanted to go to the lake but found out they were closed due to the bacteria count... so, we ended up at an outdoor pool.  If it was up to Valentina, she would have swam all day but two hours was my limit of sitting around doing nothing and I needed to head home.  I'm glad we went downtown for a couple of hours, I even got in a short walk... I'm planning on a longer one tonight.

                                                           

I feel the need to walk, I have SO much going on in my mind and I just need to be able to clear my mind.  I wonder if that is even possible?  However; it does feel great to walk and push myself beyond what I think I am able to handle... plus all this exercise is amazingly good for me... I love how great I feel... One month ago I never would have believed I could walk this much and actually feel good.

I'm feeling a little melancholy... especially after what I wrote to my David last night... the ONLY way that came out through a text was because it was inside me...  He's been busy and we haven't had the time to talk like we normally do, which is hard for me as I save up all that I need to say to him and once we talk it spills out so fast I am hardly breathing.  Then I can sigh and take a deep breath... I need a good chat with my best friend.
                                                                              

Doesn't talking with your best friend help make things better?  Or at least give you a better perspective?  That's what my David does for me... he helps me to see things differently...  he makes me laugh.... although I have laughed lately, I haven't laughed the way I do with him... One of those silly, giggly laughs where I do nothing but smile...

I know this is going to sound silly... I'm looking forward to turning 50, which is in ten days.  My life is pretty good... not perfect but good (perfection does not exist)... I love that I have goals that I'm working towards... I am watching them all come to pass... one after the other.  I just have to continue to believe that everything will work out as it should.

I read this quote/saying on my friend Jaimie's Facebook page and wanted to share it... even if we have heard similar things often it is wonderful to be reminded of them, especially when times are a little rough: 

 Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived. Sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.

Life's a lesson. Live it, learn it, love it

Even though life does not go my way as often as I would like it to... I need to be reminded that I am truly blessed... It's okay to be a little sad, a little reflective and a little melancholy at times... just as long as we don't wallow in it all the time...  That last line is very true... Life's a lesson, live it, learn it, love it....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Remembering The Importance Of Gratitude

I am so grateful the weather has been holding out... it's given me the time to get into the walking zone. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain.. I'm still planning on walking... I have a decent rain coat and I am not made of sugar.

I decided after yesterdays rant I wanted to write a thankful for post... I like to remind myself periodically that I'm blessed more than I know.

First I can walk... I'm so grateful my leg healed so quickly and completely... in time for the wonderful weather.

Next I have a wonderful job that I had full benefits while I was off healing... there are not many companies like that... I am thankful.

My new sitter is very good and prompt... she has Valentina walking everywhere... which is what she needs.

I am grateful that my work started up the biggest loser... it was exactly what I needed to get motivated to get back on track.

I am excited and thankful that Paul, Andrea and Jackson will be here next week.... I get to see Jackson in person.... this is one happy glama nana....

I'm grateful for my tenacity... although my life is falling apart in front of my eyes...  I keep walking forward.

I'm thankful that I will finally be able to go zip lining next week... a huge fear of mine but something I REALLY want to do.  You may hear my screams from there.

I have gratitude for blogging and other bloggers.... I have gained so much insight from a lot of you.... some of you have changed my life for the better in ways I may not be able to express to you.

I'm grateful for my very good close friends... I know I can count on you all as I hope you know you can count on me.

I'm thankful that even though life can change on a dime... it is usually for the best... even though it can take time to see those blessings.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking The Fall For My Own Decisions

I have to say I made a decision that although might be difficult for people to understand , I made it for me...  Very few people if anyone would understand but that is because not one of them are me... I know that everyone wants to give me their advice and it's all good, I hear it all, I listen, I take it all in but still the final decision is mine.

It's like my decision to stay friends with my David, that is a really tough one... I have gone back and forth on this one and weighed the pros and cons, I have even come to the point that I thought I might stop being friends with him... The main reason being that I don't like David coming off as if he is the bad guy.. he isn't, he is one of the good guys... I don't want people to think poorly of him because of me.  Since I made the decision to stay friends with him, I have to learn to deal with the ups and downs that come with that, if I want him in my life and I do...


I weighed all my options, then I talked to my David... a huge part of me thought he might be relieved and say that he understood but that it was probably better that way.  I had already flip flopped back and forth for nearly three weeks, finally I decided that he was worth staying friends with... I knew I had to tell him everything I was thinking, I don't keep secrets from him... he told me I am his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me.  We agreed that it is very difficult to find someone that we can tell all our secrets to and not be judged for them.

The truth is that I have already lost enough and frankly I don't think I could handle losing anything else... Life is much too short to live it unhappy, this is why I have made decisions that although they may be unpopular with other people, they are the right ones for me... Who would I tell my secrets to?  There isn't anyone that I could open up to like that again.  I am really open in my blog, yet there are some things I do not want everyone to know... it's really good to have someone that I feel safe and comfortable with, that would be my David.

Also, I am aware that that I will have to live with any of the repercussions from my decisions, I am hoping that there won't be many but if there is, I will deal with them one at a time.  For now I am standing behind each choice that I have made, as I am the only one who knows all sides of the story.  These choices are the most difficult ones, I had to get off the proverbial fence to be the grown up I am ... no matter how much I want to stick my head in the sand and let other people take the fall by letting them make my decisions for me...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Challenges Can Turn Into Rewards

I wondered what would get me out of the funky mood I was in... I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was sad... I forgot to remember that the future isn't written yet and I can change the outcome by changing my present.  Luckily I was prompted not to make a decision and I actually listened to it... believe me I am one of those people that usually has to be hit by brick to hear those promptings.

If I hadn't listened I could have hurt two people, one of them being me.  I am NOT the kind person that tries to or wants to hurt anyone... I am the girl who will do whatever she can not to hurt or upset another person. Even when people hurt me, I don't look for ways to hurt them...  I usually just let it go and move on, mainly because I don't think it is for me to even the score, it is for me to forgive. If you read my blog regularly, you know that I don't hold malice or anger towards people that have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. 

I will tell you this though, look out if you hurt my family or my very good friends, that is where I need to learn to forgive.  I have a problem with anyone who could hurt someone I love and it makes me cry, the people that are my family or my close friends are good and kind people and when I see someone go out of their way to cause any pain to them, it takes everything within me not to lash out at them. I know I need to learn to be more forgiving that way but for me, that is the hardest one.

I keep reminding myself that it is not up to me to dole out punishment... It just hurts me so much more when someone that I love is being hurt over and over and they are a good and kind person that does not deserve to be continually hurt.  I don't know what to tell these people who no matter how loving and wonderful they are that unfortunately challenges are a part of life. With me, most times I can handle the challenge, it is usually because of a choice I have made in the past.

I guess why I get so angry at people that hurt my family or close friends is because not everyone can see that forgiveness is the only way to heal and letting it go... I know this and believe I feel grateful for that knowledge I can't give that knowledge to anyone, they have to learn that on their own.  So I become sad because they are sad or hurt or angry and I want to do whatever I can to take that pain away for them... however; I can't... I just have to be there for them...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Always All Or Nothing With Me

 

I have been so emotional with all the changes in my life, I apologize... I don't like my blog sounding depressing but I know of no other way to be than honest... if I didn't put it out there it would be inside me tearing me up. Unfortunately it comes out with all my emotions over flowing... I have never been good at hiding how I feel.  I know people that put on a smile and you would never know what is going on in their head, that is not me... I cry when I am sad and it is not a pretty cry.... I laugh out loud when I think something is funny and I love with every piece of my heart.

There is no half way mark with me, I just let it out.  I have tried to hold back tears, laughter and love... I have never been successful at any of these.  My emotions are right at the surface, always one step away from being outside.  Believe me, I have tried to bury them, especially the sadness... If I manage to be the least bit successful... I find out that I haven't been... it just means it comes out with more emotions that than become even more overwhelming.

I know I can be a little hard to deal with when I am sad, some people want to tell me how lucky I am, others feel for me and they don't know what to say... Mostly I just have to get it out, tears and all... than I feel better for a while.  What I really want to learn how to do is let it out a little at a time, instead of ending up having a melt down.  I don't know why it is always all or nothing with me... I have never been a girl that gives part of myself in anything.  Especially when it comes to love... It takes a lot for me to love someone but once I do, I love them for my life...

When I have to let that go, it breaks me inside... I loved one man when I was 23 and I loved him for nearly 23 years... I finally stopped loving him when I told him Andrey raped me and he asked me what did I expect?  I have never looked back and we were close... very close.  Not as close as my David and me and David would never have said anything like that to me...  Once I love someone, they really have to hurt me for me to stop loving them...

I am at crossroads where it is fast becoming all or nothing again with me.... the question is... am I willing to accept nothing in this case since I can't have all of it...  ?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Happy 50th Birthday To My David‏

Fifty years ago today my David was born at the Grace Maternity hospital in Halifax, Nova Scotia...  I was born in the same hospital two months later.  I didn't get to meet him until we were fifteen years old in grade ten Biology. 

My David was sitting behind me and he said something to me, I turned around and came face to face with the cutest smile and brightest blue eyes I have ever seen.  I was instantly smitten with him.  I wrote about our story here My One And Only.

I never forgot that sweet boy even when I had no contact with him for over twenty three years and that was only fleeting.  My David made that deep and strong of an impression on me, I even talked about him to people over the years.... he was always a very special memory of mine.

He's away on an exercise for work so I can't talk to him today.  I wanted to write a post just for him for his special day.  He and anyone who reads my blog knows how very important he is to me, how blessed I feel that he has been in my life.

He is the love of my life and honestly although I may love again in the future... I will never love anyone as deeply as I love my David.  My birthday wish for him is that both his children are safe and happy... I hope he has joy in his life.

Happy Birthday to one of the sweetest men I have ever known... my David will always be that cute fifteen year old boy I met in Biology class thirty five years ago... he grew into the man I fell in love with a year and a half ago...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking Off My Rose Colored Glasses

I have been thinking about David... nothing new there... :).  What I have actually been thinking about is that although I would never change what I had with him when we shared the 2011 holidays together.  Hands down the best Christmas and New Years I have ever had in my whole life, nothing and I mean nothing, will ever come close to that wondrous and magical happy feeling I had then.  But... I think if I had to do the break up over again, I wouldn't stay friends.

The ups and downs I have gone through this past year and a half have been incredibly challenging, if I am being truthful and that is the only way I want to live my life, I constantly changed my mind over and over.  There were days I thought, I can do this... it's David... I can be friends no matter what.  Then there were days that I just wanted to tell him I never wanted to speak to him again.

Today, a year and a half after our romantic relationship ended, I am finally beginning to really take those rose colored glasses off ... really seeing the truth and not what I want to see.  First off and my David would be the first to say this, he isn't perfect, he makes mistakes, he can be insensitive without realizing it, he can say the wrong thing thinking he is helping... I needed to see that for myself, it makes him a little more human.  I wrote a post last year about how I finally took David off the pedestal I had him on and I did but I still didn't see the flaws he had... the ones we all have.

Part of me even thought I didn't deserve to have him, he has high ideals and I have messed up royally, over and over...  It's not true though, I did deserve to be with him, just because I made wrong choices throughout my life doesn't mean I shouldn't be loved by someone good, kind and caring. 

I haven't stopped loving my David, I probably never will but I no longer think... wow, I got to date David, I got to really fall in love with him... I actually think... wow, we had the most happy, honest and open relationship and David gave that up... I feel sad for him.  He lost someone special, me... someone who would love him and never give up on him, that is a big loss, that doesn't come around often in life. I could see the potential of us... he could not and that is a bigger loss...

This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, staying friends with someone I love and not being able to be with him... I cannot even begin to explain how sad and overwhelming it was and can still be... I guess that is why most people that end a relationship, end the friendship too...  Now that we have got through most of the rough spots I am grateful that we worked through it and I would never want to lose his friendship now.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Another Kind Of Love

I have been debating the dating idea all day, I finally decided that I'm going to give myself a year.  I am going to concentrate on Valentina, my job and advancing as well as getting healthy and losing weight.  My life is going to be much too busy to have anyone in it.  I think once I lose the weight that I will feel more comfortable with dating again and I have come to an understanding with myself in that I am just not going to love anyone as much as I love my David but that doesn't mean I can't love someone else, it just means that it would be very different. 

David and I are closer in ways that most people are not, that is not easy to find even with just friends let alone love.  Most people are not always that open, it takes a great deal of trust to be that way with someone.  I think anyone who finds it knows how lucky they are and they don't take it for granted... I love that close friendship I have with David.  I do know that I need to move ahead in the future, especially since I do not want to repeat my mothers footsteps. 

I think that is what we learn from the people in our lives such as our parents, we watch how they handle the challenges that have been given to them and we either see them make strong choices and living by their convictions so that we too model this in our lives.  Or we see how they let the challenges get the better of them and we then choose to follow in their path or go ahead and make a better path. 

I will always love David, I will always be close to him... he will be the person I go to when I am feeling stressed or judged or I just need a laugh.  But I will need to step outside that huge comfort zone of mine since I don't want to spend my life alone... and I am great company, I am pretty happy being on my own... I don't need someone to entertain me... but I do think that having someone to share my life with would enrich me and make me a better person.  A more loving and giving person... I don't want to become bitter and sad in my old age, I want to smile and look back at my life and think wow, I really lived.

Once the time comes, I am sure I will blog about the dates...  That will be interesting for anybody I date, finding out they are being written about.... lol.   I used to wonder what my David thought about me writing about him so openly, I asked him one time if it was okay or if it bothered him?  He said no, it was okay... so that is why I am pretty open about him

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Like The Way You Make Me Feel

I have been pondering friendships from my past to my present and it made me realize that I only have friends that make me feel good about myself now... that has not always been the case, I have had numerous friends that I "thought" were friends but we somehow lost contact and when I look back I see that we had stopped making the other person feel good.

Being a good friend takes work, you need to make time for each other... especially when the other person is in trouble.  They would do the same thing for you... you don't do it because they would do it for you, you do it because they mean a great deal to you.  That is how a marriage has to work as well which means we have to give up our ego and see ideas from other peoples perspective.

I know that is easier said than done but as the older I get, the more I expect but I am also willing to offer more.  I just think when you are close friends you give that little extra to each other.

My David is going back in for surgery tomorrow, I am sure that he will be okay but it doesn't stop me from being concerned and worrying.  I personally will be a basket case... nothing new there... I want to be there for him, why do we have to live SO far apart from each other?  So I will not be getting a lot of rest for the next couple of days, not until I know my 'D' is home and healing.

This whole thought came to me when I was thinking about David going in for surgery and how I want to be there for him... I am sure he feels the same way about me.  I know that even though we have difficult times, we work at it by respecting each other and caring about each others feelings... I have been through this process with a few friends... getting through each trial, only makes us stronger friends.

Isn't that the only kind of friend you want?  That's all that I want now... those are the only important relationships, the long term ones that you can always go to no matter how bad/good your day was... Not that these friends don't tell you like it is... I want the honesty, but honesty with love.  I only have a few people like that and I cherish each and everyone of them.  Basically I just like the way they make me feel... I hope I do the same for them....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

A Weakness Can Become Your Biggest Strength

I have so much going on in my mind, I am finding it hard to focus on one thing... I realized something last night, I think when David and I first separated we probably shouldn't have talked for six months to a year... it would have given me time to heal.  Now that option has come and gone, we worked through the pain to stay friends, to be there for each other.

I am living proof that you can remain friends with a man you were passionately in love with and somehow it didn't work out.  I don't recommend it for everyone but I feel that David was worth the hard work, I think he feels the same way.  The choices we have in life are never easy, if they were than we would never grow beyond who we are now.

I want to live big, be myself and do the things I am meant to do... this is what I am striving for now.  I rarely dream big enough, because deep down I haven't believed that I deserve that... well I deserve that.  I am going to tell myself this everyday until it is second nature. 

There have been many weaknesses that I have turned into strengths, such as getting over my shyness to now being able to talk to just about anyone... There's not much I cannot overcome or succeed in if I put my mind to it, now to work on one of my biggest weaknesses... I can just imagine how great of a strength it will be to me in the future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield