All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.
And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future


  1. Take the time, but don't disappear forever. The journey you are on is so strong and inspiring and always motivates me to dig deeper emotionally, mentally and with my physical fitness. Stay in touch! Prayers to you my friend!!

  2. Just something quick, I will still be exercising and eating healthy, I will be posting everything on FaceBook (Launna Krivousov), which also goes into my Twitter account (LaWannish) and I will still be checking Instagram (launnak). You may follow me on any of these if you are interested at all... have a great evening everyone, I will see all of you soon :)

  3. My heart goes out to you. I wish there were words I could say that would help.
    Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of love.

  4. You have to take care of yourself first--do what you need to do--find that inner peace and move forward when you feel ready.

  5. So sad about that love :( I'd love to hug you so strong... If you need or if you wanna do everything drop me a line by e-mail ( ) I'll always be there for you <3


  6. I understand and I hope that you will find some place that makes you calmer. Come back soon.

  7. Take care of yourself, Launna, and take as long as you need. The blogging world will still be here when you are ready to come back. Be kind to yourself. You'll work through this. It will take some time, but things will get better. Hugs to you.

  8. as my dad always say:
    "the constant thing in life is changes"

  9. Oh no please don't stay gone long!! I hope everything is ok. We will miss your blog while you're gone and we will eagerly await your return :)

  10. Hi Launna:
    I will miss you, but it is so important for you to follow your intuition on taking time away. This is one of my lessons right now, to listen and follow what is good for me. Even though it feels painful, feeling the pain will set you free, so live your life for you and then the right decisions will come to you. Sending you a big hug and lots of divine healing energy.

  11. Oh Launna!!! I'm gonna miss you so badly! But I'm here supporting every decision you make :) also if you need someone to talk to, dear friend. Please note that we, your followers, wish you all the best and we'll be eagerly waiting for your inspiring beautiful posts. You gave us so much love and motivation through your blog that I really hope you're receiving our hugs and good energy back right now :)
    Lots of love dear Launna! I'll be waiting for your return!

  12. Launna, I hope this time gives you what you need to heal. Sometimes you have to feel that pain intensely before you can get through it. When my first husband died it took me a long time to be human again.

    I will miss you and will be worrying about you!

  13. are amazingly special. I too will miss you but you've made footprints on my heart and your following what you need is the best. Hugs.....

  14. Such a touching confession...

  15. I hope everything will be ok :D

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  16. You do whatever you have to do to take care of you. We'll all still be here when you get back.

  17. Any thing I can do at all? Let me know - - - please.
    If you need a break take one. If you need to talk, please talk. Whatever helps you. Sometimes I get exhausted too. I think of a blog in the morning but by the time I get home I get tired from having to deal with the evening rush hour. I just read and that gives me a few minutes of doing what I like to do best ie Read and check how every one is doing.
    Hang in there. We are all here for you.

  18. Wise decision Launna
    Do what ever you need to do to stay well
    If that means taking some time out for yourself then do that
    I will miss you though and your comments, they always make me smile

    Take good care of you
    You are a special lady and I will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way

    Much love x

  19. Be well my cyber-friend. I am sorry you are suffering. But if you don't know, your ability to be positive in your difficult times is very inspiring.

  20. Take care Launna and do what's best for you - all of us bloggy friends will wait and we understand. Hugs!

  21. Hi Launna, I am on my vacation, not much of blogging in this week for me either:).

    I love being here because I have a touched of your special sole , you followed me and been to my blog every single post I am feels very closed to you and your blog!
    My prayer is goes to support and cheers you up everywhere you go Launna! You doing the right thing. if I were you, I'll do just the same you doing:).You're special person and one of strong woman that I knows. I wish you all the best, and the right things is coming on your way to meet your needed. Things will get better for you soon. I'm going to catching up with you on twitter:). I don't do much on Facebook:).

    Love, hugs, kiss for you here!

    PS. I surely will speaks to you soon:)


  22. Oh Launna I'll miss you, I wish you good luck in your amazing projects and looking forward to your triumphant return :)...a lot of love for you, you're one of my favorite bloggers :).

  23. Totally understandable, I take blogging breaks frequently (as you well know!) to attend to my life stuff. Sometimes even if you want to share in a public forum it's a better idea to get your head on straight before saying things you might regret later or even just to process differently. I'll miss reading your updates but will be sending happy vibes your way my friend! Take good care of you xoxoxo

  24. To every single person who commented, I am going to reply back in the next few days... I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love I felt when I took this break. A break I really needed to take... I still have a long way to go but I really let myself think about things I usually try not to think about... they were hard but I got through them... I found out I was stronger than I thought I was. Do I think it will be easy... no... but I know now that success is up to me...


I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤