I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count. I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little. My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically. She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.
I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me... I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again? I know people are going to say... don't think like that. How am I supposed to think? In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love. How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me?
Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life. It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough. Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?
I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days. I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing. I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning. Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥