There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 
Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

18 comments :

  1. You ar having the same type of "week" as I am. I choose one road when it forked out a few different way and got to realize, YET AGAIN, I was never as important as I let myself believe I was... Now and hopefully forever, I realize its time to let go.. Easier said then done yes.. Hang in there

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    1. Thank you Savannah... it's sad and difficult to learn I was never as important to someone as they were to me... it's like having my heart ripped out :'(

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  2. Oh Launna, you are so important... :)

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    1. Thank you Maarit... I wish I could feel that inside of me...:-/

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  3. I'm sorry to read such sad words. It may sound dumb, but I learned a long time ago that self affirmations really help. I think you're important!

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    1. Thank you Ellen, I'm sorry they were sad words... I also believe in self affirmations...

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  4. My beautiful sister, you touched my heart today, you made me cry today, tears I wish that would dry up and go away, like the emotions they derive from.
    I too have had to look deep in my heart lately, and accept the painful realization that I'm not as important to him as he was to me, and even though my heart is slowly accepting another, the process of healing from him is very painful, and timely.
    We are strong women, but we feel deeply, I have faith in us that we will get past this to find peace within our souls.

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    1. Thank you my sissy... I somehow knew you'd understand... We do love SO much... Sometimes TOO much:-/

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  5. I can relate to so much of this, and I think I'm happy that I can still feel something. My biggest fear is to feel nothing at all, then I'd rather be sad the way I am now.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Avy... I agree, feeling sad is better than feeling nothing... :-/

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  6. It's amazing how in trying to please everyone else and being the person we want everyone else to admire,love, desire... it is so much better to learn to love, accept and take pride in ourselves. Good accomplishments to you and your soul for putting yourself first and foremost. What freedom!!

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    1. Isn't it amazing that we are always trying to please others... I can't do that anymore... in doing so... I hurt me the most.

      I had a lovely lesson at church today and it reminded me that I cannot help anyone unless I look after myself first.:)

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  7. I'm so sorry. It's awful to feel that way. I hope writing about it helps.

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    1. Thank you Susan, it does help me to feel better when I write about it... just getting it out lessens the pain at times :)

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  8. I believe in you Launna, and YOU DEFINITELY DON'T LOOK LIKE 50, so don't even think about feeling bad about it. Maybe in 10 years from now....and not even then. I also walk every day and I also find it hard to move my butt...we are all fighting our addictions Launna....the essential part is to keep trying and never give up. I know I shall never give up until I am happy with myself. Love

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    1. Thank you Petronela... I won't give up either.... Sometimes I just need to day how I feel inside ;-)

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  9. I have had times when I realize I am not as important to someone as they are to me. It can be a very painful and sad experience. Realizing that you are important no matter what, though, does help a lot in the healing. Better times are ahead.

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    1. Thank you Daisy... I am hoping there are better times ahead... :)

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