I had my blog written for yesterday but I didn't get it out until this morning. Instead I felt compelled to write a long letter to my "D". He's on vacation, away for a couple of days so I'm not able to talk with him, I had something I desperately needed to talk about with him. We can talk about anything at anytime but sometimes things are better when you take the time to organize your thoughts.
I even thought about writing it by hand but I knew I would never keep up with the thoughts in my head. They we coming fast and furious, I could barely type fast enough. It was one of those letters that was raw and emotional, I laid everything out; I sobbed uncontrollably. I'm okay, I just needed to write my feelings down, I felt better.
I'm really grateful that I had that time at Christmas with David, I had a wish fulfilled; one I never thought I had a chance to have. Regardless of how it all worked out for now, I was the happiest I have ever been. The hard part of this is that usually when two people break up or don't workout, there's a reason.
I can list off all the reasons my past relationships have ended, with David I can't give one reason. There was no definitive answer, no big fights (no arguments at all), complete respect, no judging. He got me when no one else did, I got him too; he's quirky like me. There is little chance for me to move on until I can understand what went wrong?
Maybe there are no answers but then I will be stuck in limbo, figuring out how to move forward. Not sure if it's possible with all the questions I have unanswered. At least I'm in a much better place than I've been for the past 7 months, there were days I was unsure if I could get up and go to work. Simple tasks were unbearable and the crying was out of control.
I finally don't cry for no reason and it's nothing extended. Which is a good sign but I still don't want to move ahead. If moving ahead is dating other people, I highly doubt I'll be able to take the next step. Someone would have to be incredible and deserving of me, making me want to open the locked safe I've put my heart in. I'm trying so hard to protect my broken, injured heart...
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield