I wish... maybe there's a better word... wishing doesn't get me what I want. Wishing only leaves me in the past, living with "What ifs?" and "If onlys".
I guess I would like to understand why my two sisters and I have had such a hard time making relationships last. It had to come from being raised in a dysfunctional family, although who hasn't? The three of us grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, in a way we have abandonment issues from our mother not being there for 9-10 years of our lives, so we looked for love from the world and all the wrong places.
I also think we lacked self worth, feeling somehow we'd be lucky to find someone. We are three strong individual women, we all worked hard to be where we are today. I think we were in the pick me, love me group, never feeling worthy. Choosing men that couldn't or wouldn't love us, I guess that we did this so that we could say "see I was right, I'm not enough".
I've come far past that point, I am enough, my sisters are enough. I am worthy of having someone love me. Funny now that I really know that, I don't want it anymore. I'd only want it if it were with my "D", otherwise it's way too much work, especially when you have to figure out if your compatible.
Being single isn't so terrible, especially since I understand my self worth so much better. It's just sad that it took far too long for me to discover that I am worth it, even when I am having a rough day, I will always try to remember that.
I'm thinking of writing a few letters to my younger self, I've heard it's very therapeutic. I know blogging is that way for me, I am able to get some of my frustrations out by writing and then I eventually let it go.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield