Maybe Some Things Were Not Meant For Me

It is raining here in Nova Scotia again, at least the temperature dropped with the rain.  It was truly unbearable to say the least...  However; I did walk even though the humidex was like a 35C and above for quite a few days.  I walked to the bridge on the way to work this morning and really pushed myself hard... I talked to one of the girls at work and told her how I would like to start running a little, she suggested running in 10 to 15 second sprints... this is something I think I can handle.  Once I master that, I am going to push it up to 30 seconds at a time... I want that feeling that all runners talk about, the freedom to just focus on breathing and the adrenaline it brings.

I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count.  I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little.  My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically.  She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.

I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me...  I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again?  I know people are going to say... don't think like that.  How am I supposed to think?  In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love.  How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me? 
I honestly believe for me to be happy that I have to give up that dream and move on... just live my life, be a mama, a friend, a sister, a nana... Many people are happy this way... maybe I can be too...?  You know, I have been so sure of so many things in my life... One, I can make friends anywhere, anytime... if I don't click with someone, it is rare and most likely their issue.  Two, I excel in job interviews, I just know how to sell myself  and because I am friendly I know how to connect with people.  Three, I am competitive, when I put my mind to something, there is nothing that I cannot achieve.

Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life.  It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough.  Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?

I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days.  I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and  I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing.  I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning.  Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

24 comments :

  1. romance is for the birds esp if both parties dont take it serious. it's always i'm serious bout it but the other isnt. so for now i choose to stay single until the right one comes along and i know without a shadow of the doubt he's the one.

    http://pinkowl07.blogspot.com/2013/07/night-mares-suck.html

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    1. Thank Laney, I knew without a shadow if doubt that mt David was the one for me... even knowing that didn't make it work for me...

      Good luck in finding and keeping the one...

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  2. Thanks for your comment!
    Enjoy this day
    ;-)

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  3. I think that if exists in the world a person that could be loved romatically this is you, your sensibility is something extraordinary and you are a wonderful woman <3
    Xxx and super strong hugs

    Carolina

    www.the-world-c.blogspot.com

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    1. Awe... thank you Carolina... you made me cry with what sweet words you wrote....:-)

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  4. Someone told me the other week that 'health is wealth'. So have a little exercise program that you know you will stick to each day because you're not good to anyone if you're tired, exhausted and out of breath all the time. Exercise always makes me feel so full of energy.

    You also have a priority to get your home sorted, because when the moving day appears, you don't want to be running around like a headless chicken. It will only stress you out and stress out those around you.

    As for romance, I personally feel that if it happens it happens. Everyone is individual and so is every love. Don't compare one person against another or compare how much you love someone against how much you think they love you. It will drive you crazy. Just be open to the possibility that it might happen one day.

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    1. Thank you Rum Punch... I am increasing exercise slowly... I love all the walking I am doing... I feel rejuvenated.

      I definitely will be getting the house organized and purged well before people show up to help me move, it is top priority for me.

      As for love and romance, it is the only thing I have ever wanted... all of my life... it is a dream that never came true and it broke my heart. I no longer am looking for it, I guess I was destined to be alone... Oh well :(

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  5. I agree with what Rum-Punch said about being open to the possibility. We never know what life has in store for us, but I'd rather set the bar high and be disappointed from time to time than to set it low and have no expectations or aspirations. You are lovable, and you know how to love... hey! you are exactly what some man out there wants. And HE is what you've always wanted, too; you just don't know it yet.

    Know the song "Catch a Falling Star"? That's what you need to do...

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    1. Thank you Susan... it is not that I am not open to love... I just don't see it happening... who knows.

      Anyway I am way to busy with exercising, being a mama, working and moving... I have no time to even take to get to know someone and put myself through that hell again.

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  6. The days here have been a bit wild but wanted to sop by Launna and wish you a happy Tuesday. Hope it's cooler where you are than where I am.:)

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    1. Thank you Nikki... it finally cooled down her... it was unbearable for a while... I hope it cools down a bit for you too :)

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  7. We all believe romantic love isn't for us until it finally works out...trust me it's there for you as long as you don't stop believing in it. BY stopping the belief in it, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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    1. Thank you Keith, I don't want to stop believing it could happen but frankly it is so damn painful... he would have to be someone incredible for me to open up again... :-/

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  8. Never give up wif ur life..just move on and on with smile..have a gud day :D

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    1. Thank you Wawa... I am trying to move on with a smile... it's not always easy but I am trying... have a good day too :)

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  9. Romance is overrated. Really. It's more about commitment. And you are showing commitment to yourself in your blog, in your walking, in cleaning and purging your house before moving. Men come and go, but having the foundation to love yourself regardless of what anything else another person says or does ( or doesn't for that matter) You are solid in yourself. You may have another man come into your life at sometime, and he may be romantic or sweet, but is he a constant in your life? Is he there when no one else is? No man is like that. Not even my own husband. It's not his fault. its just being human and imprefect. But you are always there for yourself. :) I hope this makes sense as an ecouragement that I see you as a wonderful friend and woman with amazon strength.

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    1. Awe thank you Joy... I know what you mean... I have always wanted to have a man in my life who I love and who loves me... I have wanted that kind of companionship all my life... I thought I had found that with my 'D' but I was wrong and now I don't know if I can trust myself..

      I am just going to live my life and keep busy... not think about it anymore... lots of other people get by being alone... I will just have to live with it:-/

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  10. if i was there. i'd love to help you pack xD i love doing it :D

    Invite you to enter my giveaway :) Click Here I hope you will join :)

    visit my blog ^^
    www.luchluchcraft.blogspot.com

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    1. Awe Inge... I wish you lived closer... I would love to have someone who liked to pack... Thank you :)

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  11. Love is like a butterfly. You chase it and it won't come to you but one day you may not be looking it will come and sit by you.

    Also if you need a break from blogging you should take one. Lunch time is for you to enjoy lunch, eat slowly and feel free to put your feet up or at least stretch out.

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    1. Thank you Munir... I am not looking for love anymore... I am much too busy and believe me the guy would have to be amazing and basically knock on my door... Otherwise... forget it.

      No need to worry about me eating, I eat between calls, my lunch is my time to write and get my emotions out, I need that, I just don't have time at night right now with all the cleaning I need to do:)

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  12. It sounds like you have your priorities in order to me. I don't have any answers for you regarding romantic love. Some people have it their whole lives, but still don't seem happy. Others never have it and they seem to do quite well anyway and are happy. Some people dream about things too, but reality never quite matches up with their dreams so they have trouble finding happiness. I guess I think the happiest people find their joy within themselves instead of looking for it to come from another.

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    1. Thank you Daisy... I am happy a lot of the time... I still want romantic love though... that all consuming passionate love that takes my breath away. I know it exists but I doubt it is for me now and that's okay...

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