I wanted to post last night but I was so emotionally wiped. I was in bed a little after nine and I stayed there until almost midnight where I woke up long enough to turn off the TV then went back to bed. I am going to apologize up front but my posts won't be all that happy and uplifting over the next few days. I thought about not writing but I think I've already lost enough and I didn't want to lose this too.
Every time I think that I have moved forward, I see myself going backwards again. I have this incredible need to be loved, which I am sure most people in this world need too. Some people are able to be fulfilled by other things, I only want to be loved and cherished. Do I think that love is easy and the answer to all my problems... no... but I think it's worth it. The happiest times in my life have been when I felt love, real love... the kind I feel for David.
All I have desired was what I wrote about in Fairy Tale Love and My One And Only. Sometimes I wonder if that exists for me? I have seen it with other people, why am I so difficult to love? What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me? Of course I have to give the same kind of love back and I am willing to do this. Before everyone thinks that I don't feel grateful for all the blessings I have been given, they would be wrong.
I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everything I have. I always am... I see blessings each and every day in my life. I did the hardest thing I had to do last night, my tummy was upset, I was shaking and I felt so sad... I felt worse after because I didn't get to see the result that I thought I might see. I saw that maybe I don't even matter. That sounds awful, it sounds like I am selfish saying that but the truth is that we all want to be seen, heard and loved.
I didn't feel that last night, instead I felt like... oh... okay. I wanted to hear words that couldn't be said because maybe I imagined something that was never there. So how could the words be said that I wanted to hear? Today I feel insignificant... I guess that is selfish but it is how I feel.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield