Self Image

I read a great blog last night about self image, I was so touched by it, it made me cry and really think.  She is a little over weight but has a fabulous shape yet she self loathes because of her eating habits. It made me really look at my eating habits.  When I was on my 30 day cleanse, I ate so wonderfully and truly enjoyed it.  For the past month I've not been eating as well.  Also the post brought up issues about whether I have actually come to accept myself or if I'm self loathing at times.  What I'm going to write now is not anything I've been told or even implied recently, it's my thoughts. 

After Andrey raped me and he had degraded me over and over for years. To the point where part of me started to believe him, the one where I'm too old, ugly, fat and disgusting; who would want me?  A year after the rape, I was so unhappy and empty that I tried to fill myself up with men.  Wasn't Andrey wrong?  There were men who wanted me, they became my high, one was not enough, I had to have more. Most of these men were beautiful and they wanted me.  As time went on, I came to realize through counseling and my own moral values, that this behavior would not bring me any lasting happiness.

It all came to a head when David and I reconnected in November, when it actually looked like we were going to see each other after 22 years.  I became nervous, I made David get on Skype to see me, I did a couple of twirls.  I explained I wasn't tiny, he said not to worry, he wasn't tiny and he told me over and over I was beautiful.  My weight was not my only issue, the scars that I have on my body from being burned in the fire, caused me some fear and I don't know why, they never did before.  I'm a woman that knows how to dress my body to look at its optimum, I am curvy. I wear clothes that fit but are not extremely tight but definitely no big sweatshirts.  I know how to dress my assets.  That was not my concern, it was having David see me otherwise.  It had been 12 years since I had allowed anyone to see me that way.

 I was nervous but as David said we have all changed over the years and that I was beautiful to him on the outside because I was so beautiful on the inside.  I started to relax and be comfortable in my own skin. Everything was wonderful between us, we connected closer than I had with anyone in my life.  Then he left after the new year and when we talked after he got home, he told me that he still had feelings for his ex.  I was heart broken but we are still so close, so connected.  Then last month he said he was trying to move on from his ex and it wasn't going to be with me, he felt we both needed to move on.  Maybe my body was the issue all along.  He's never said that, he's always said I was beautiful. What is wrong with me? 

That's the first thing I thought and that is when I started eating poorly again. Hmmm, it took that blog to show me, I had started feeling empty again and instead of filling it up with good things, I tried food.  It's not making me happy, I haven't told David what I thought, I need to say it to him even if it's not true, I need to be able to say how I'm feeling.  He is my best friend, he wouldn't want me to hold it in.  It's just his life is so busy with his new position and his course. 

If I'm ever to heal, I need to be honest and bring this out into the light.  Otherwise I'll eat back the 44 lbs I lost and more on top of it, I've already ate 4 lbs back, I need to get control of it.   Why is my self image so wrapped up in what other people think?  I thought I had cleared that hurdle.  Sad to say I haven't.  Before anyone thinks for one minute that I don't see or feel my blessings they would be wrong.  Also as I have stated above, David has never said or implied anything like this, he's told me often that I'm beautiful and wonderful.

I'm sure when I tell him what I've been feeling, he'll be sad for me that I felt that but he won't poo poo it away with words.  He'll want me to feel about myself the way that he really feels towards me.  That is that I'm smart and beautiful inside and out and that I deserve only the best.  I hope all that will be enough for me, the insecure me.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


  1. I thought to myself today that I just needed to me. Funny to think about, but I realized that in the past I was always censoring who I was in participation to what I thought people wanted to hear. I realized that when I'm being truly authentic then the people who completely love me for me will show up.
    Your post reminded me of these thoughts. People love you no matter how you look and if they don't then walk away feeling great about yourself.
    I love the quote, "What matters most is how you see yourself".

    1. Thank you Suzanne, I really always want to believe that it really just matters what I how I see myself.

      Sometimes it is very hard... especially when we have been told many times over we aren't good enough. I work on this daily:)

  2. Launna, I was very moved by your blog (even though it was about David too). You certainly do know how to make the best of your assets without looking like your advertising. You have a natural style and when you are happy you glow.
    I am waiting for the day when you won't need a David or whomever to tell you how awesome you are. The desire for a true love, a soul-mate is in all of us. It is natural and healthy to want that. That other person completes us.
    But, he/she is only a part of a large, complex puzzle. I think it is time for you to concentrate on the other puzzle pieces. When your puzzle is almost done, that one final piece will fall into place.
    We can only find true joy with someone else, when we are happy with ourself.
    Be happy. You are truly an awesome woman.

    1. I am working on me, I do that daily. I am not looking for a soul mate, I found him. I am not looking for a great love, I found him.

      I however am looking to be happy within myself no matter what, I am not nor will I be open to anyone else in the future, I'm not capable of handling anymore disappointments. We all come to a place where enough is enough.

  3. Lovely and sweet and brave Launa, David was honest about one thing...that you are very beautiful in all the ways. You just need to be a little stronger and more protective with yourself.

    1. Thank you Unikorna, I am and will be protective of myself... I really think if everyone really knew how David gets me, understands me, they would then see what I see in him. I have had a huge thing going on in my life, I talked to him for 5 minutes, he figured it out just like that. Other people didn't get it and that is why I love him. I don't have to explain myself to him for him to get me.

  4. Dear Launna,
    The hardest part in boosting our self esteem is our own false idea of how we look not others'. They might think and say we are beautiful, gorgeous, adorable but inside us we feel we are nothing but crap.
    I have been through this a million times, I still am sometimes and I know exactly why. Because of my ex, because for 8 years all I could hear was that no one in the whole world would want me or love me but him. He said that so he could control me and to my shame, he did it for 8 years. 11 years after that and I can still feel the marks on my soul, even though my husband tells me every day how good and beautiful I am.
    It just takes time and if at the end of my life I will look in the mirror and see the most beautiful woman in the world, I would be so happy and content with myself. Even if it takes me my whole life to find that :)
    You ARE beautiful and smart and you deserve the best!


    1. It is hard to see the best in ourselves all the times especially when we have had people in our lives destroy our self esteem, I work on myself daily. Believe me when David finds out what I thought, he will be sad that I thought that as he has never ever implied that in any way. It is just my own insecurities :/

  5. Czytając aż się popłakałam . Piszesz bardzo mądrze . :)


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