Life Decision

 "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."  Walter Anderson

 Isn't it sad when a dream you've had doesn't work out the way you KNOW it should have, people do have their own free agency, I have to accept that. What did I learn from this?  There's always something to learn.

Some lessons are harder than others:/.  I learned that even when life does not go in the direction I want it to go, that cutting myself off is not the way to go. I have cut myself off in the past because the pain has been unbearable.  This time I felt it, I sobbed non stop for a full day; I wondered if I would ever be able to stop crying. 

The old me would have did any number of things to push the pain down, not healthy things either.  Although this pain that I felt was almost beyond what I thought I could handle, I went through it clear headed, sobbed, talked and finally made a decision.

I had to decide which pain was more worth it.  The pain of not having someone I want in my life and cutting them out so I could heal?  Or maintaining the relationship for what it is even if my dream is dying.  I decided that maintaining it would be more beneficial to me, although difficult; it was better then the alternative.  Also I remembered how Tony cut me out of his life because he didn't feel he could just be friends with me... the feeling was awful and I could not do this to another person that I love more than anything else next to my children.

I just needed to breathe, think and relax; getting off social media helped.  I had nothing to hide behind, nothing:/.   I had to really ponder, also I went out to visit a few people and I left my problems out of the visit.  I just stopped making it all about me, it's not all about me.  I don't want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. 

When I say selfless I don't mean that I'm not going to take care of myself, that is the only way I can be of any good to anyone else.  What I mean is that life does not revolve around just me, there's a bigger picture.

So dreams go by the wayside or maybe they just change.  The future isn't written yet.   The one thing I knew for sure was that I had to come to terms with it so that I could feel less sad.  There's hope for me yet.



I love this song, When She Danced... there is so much truth in this song in the line that says  "If you ask me to choose between a memory or two
When it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose"


This song say all the words I feel about David:

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender
Never thought I could let those feelings show
But now my heart is on my sleeve
And this love will never leave

14 comments :

  1. This is so touching! I love the quote at the beginning - beautiful and true!
    http://thesmallnoble.blogspot.de/

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    1. Thank you the small noble (I must find out your first name sometime). That quote touched me so much and helped me to start writing again.

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  2. Hi there Launna, and so happy to see you here! :)
    You have been so prave. Faceing all those feelings is not easy. It´s just, if we run from those, the pain is going to be bigger and staying longer.. Like i said, prave :)
    And you have one lifelesson happend, what you noticed: you didnt do what has done for you earlier! It takes stong human to learn from other peoples mistakes, like you did...

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    1. Oh Maarit, I used to run and you are SO right, the problems just got bigger. It has been painful but truthfully I would rather that I figure out a way to be at peace with all of this so that I can still have David in my life. When I thought about shutting him out so I could heal, it hurt more than anything else. I need him no matter how he is there and we have both promised to be there for each other no matter what:)

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  3. Hello Launna:
    As you so clearly understand, life is never straightforward and where emotions are concerned it is exceedingly complicated. However, we are confident that you will, given time, sort out what is the best thing for you and will gather the strength to carry on.

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    1. Thank you Jane and Lance, you always write such beautiful posts to me... I am truly thankful. I am strong, David tells me that daily... sometimes it would be easier if I wasn't but that's not me. I will get passed this, I will get through... there is something amazing on the other side of this, I know:)

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  4. Launna, nice to have it again here,
    I pray to God that the attitude of the maintenance has been the best choice.
    Life is not difficult, it is we who complicate everything.
    Love in the heart

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    1. Oh Jaqueline, I felt all the prayers and wonderful positive thoughts from everyone, I felt loved... I agree with you, that is why I decided to maintain something because not maintaining would bring so much more pain. Besides the future is not completed yet, no one knows where it will lead:)

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    2. Dear launna,
      I am so happy you are back and haven't lost your optimism. Only a great person like you could keep their head and faith up.
      I think you are a wonderful woman with a beautiful soul.

      Many hugs

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    3. Petro... I adore you and yes I am back... I just had to come to terms with my loss for the moment. Nothing is set in stone:)

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  5. It's easiest to shut down, harder to confront. Glad you came to terms with it.

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  6. Hi again, Launna. I was away for more than a week to attend a seminar. Didn't know about what you were going through until I visited your blog. Life goes on no matter what happens. Be strong, my friend.

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    1. Thank you Rhodora, I know... life goes on, I will stay strong, I always find a way to make it through :)

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  7. Thank you fessell810, I appreciate the comment... I finally came to terms with it;)

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤