"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." Walter Anderson
Isn't it sad when a dream you've had doesn't work out the way you KNOW it should have, people do have their own free agency, I have to accept that. What did I learn from this? There's always something to learn.
Some lessons are harder than others:/. I learned that even when life does not go in the direction I want it to go, that cutting myself off is not the way to go. I have cut myself off in the past because the pain has been unbearable. This time I felt it, I sobbed non stop for a full day; I wondered if I would ever be able to stop crying.
The old me would have did any number of things to push the pain down, not healthy things either. Although this pain that I felt was almost beyond what I thought I could handle, I went through it clear headed, sobbed, talked and finally made a decision.
I had to decide which pain was more worth it. The pain of not having someone I want in my life and cutting them out so I could heal? Or maintaining the relationship for what it is even if my dream is dying. I decided that maintaining it would be more beneficial to me, although difficult; it was better then the alternative. Also I remembered how Tony cut me out of his life because he didn't feel he could just be friends with me... the feeling was awful and I could not do this to another person that I love more than anything else next to my children.
I just needed to breathe, think and relax; getting off social media helped. I had nothing to hide behind, nothing:/. I had to really ponder, also I went out to visit a few people and I left my problems out of the visit. I just stopped making it all about me, it's not all about me. I don't want to be selfish, I want to be selfless.
When I say selfless I don't mean that I'm not going to take care of myself, that is the only way I can be of any good to anyone else. What I mean is that life does not revolve around just me, there's a bigger picture.
So dreams go by the wayside or maybe they just change. The future isn't written yet. The one thing I knew for sure was that I had to come to terms with it so that I could feel less sad. There's hope for me yet.
I love this song, When She Danced... there is so much truth in this song in the line that says "If you ask me to choose between a memory or two
When it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose"
This song say all the words I feel about David:
I never thought that I could feel a love so tender
Never thought I could let those feelings show
But now my heart is on my sleeve
And this love will never leave