Opening Myself Up So I Can Overcome The Fear









Yesterday I was weepy, today I've been out of sorts... I don't know what's up with me. It's not like I'm not happy because I'm very happy. I've been wanting to write all day but I wanted to get a handle on how or why I was feeling this way. I finally figured it out and I wish I could put it into words but honestly there are not enough words to explain it all.

I thought about not writing and then I just knew I had to write something. I've known for quite some time that I am supposed to be doing something else. Today I realized I'm afraid, really afraid. I know that means I am close to doing what I know I should, it's really scary though. I've written about using the fear to succeed, which is much easier said then done.

Oh how I want to use the fear to overcome and surpass my potential. I keep thinking, what is worse, facing my fear head on or letting it win? The main part of me thinks facing it would be the best thing. Let me tell you though it's scary. I've only opened up myself fully to David because he's safe, I trust him.

What I need to do entails opening myself up to people who could hurt, ridicule and judge me. I guess that's why I've been writing so much about how I know we should not be judging each other. I just have to realize that this next phase of my life will be judged.

Really what is the worse thing that can happen? People might really see who I am and then what? Think the worst and judge me for my past. I have to say one thing about that, I was so sad, I felt so bad about myself. When Andrey raped me, I was lower than anytime in my life. I just didn't want to feel the pain that came from being raped, I wanted to cover it in anyway possible.

Oh and I did, I used everything possible not to feel. If I ever started to feel I would figure out something that I could do not to feel. Everything I did hurt me more but at least I was in control of that pain.

Then along came David and I was afraid to tell him but I couldn't not tell him. He was so loving, kind and understanding. Why can't everyone be like that? Why do we have to make other people feel so much more worse? When all they want is to be loved and accepted.

I have to decide about the future and what path I will take!



The Secrets We Hide

© Tiffany Franklin
we struggle to have meaning 
in this world which we all know
we try but yet we wonder 
where we all should go
hidden in the questions 
which we can not find
the answers are all hidden
deep inside our minds
hidden in our soul
is the life we try to hide
but in time it will find you
and it will release 
all of its secrets hidden beneath 
so before it ruins the life you have made
release those dark secrets 
and the memories will fade
hidden in our lives are stories left untold
of the things we didn’t want them to know
but once you tell somebody
and make your feelings known
the struggle will be over
and you’ll finally be home




14 comments :

  1. Hello Launna:
    There are some things in life which it is very, very difficult to come to terms with, and perhaps one never fully will. Rape is most certainly one of them - an unspeakable crime.

    But you are a victim. You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. And if people make judgments about you, then they are not really worth caring about and certainly cannot be considered as friends.

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    1. Thank you Jane and Lance, I know I am a victim of the rape. The things I may be judged for is for how I handled being raped. I've only felt comfortable telling David all of it. He was very understanding. Thank you for you kind words :)

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  2. Hey. ^ ^
    I'm sorry I will not say what the note, but poorly know English and I understood only that you are very happy, which I congratulate you very much. :)

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    1. Thank you natalka, I am happy, really happy... I still have some issues I have to deal with from the rape :/ For me to be able to progress, I have to deal with all of it!

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  3. I have the same as girl above me ;) but I want to say that usually when something ends something begins :) important to have hope and faith in yourself :) kiss from Poland :)

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    1. Thank you Klarella, I believe that too... something good can come from something horrible. I just have to get over the some things to be able to move on totally :)

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  4. You have to be proud with what you become, you're wonderful just the way you are and everybody will see this :)

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    1. Thank you sunshine, I know I have come very far... I just need to get over how I handled the rape and what I did to handle it. I am working on it!

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  5. This post reminds me of one of my very favorite quotes:

    "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

    People judge each other only because of their own insecurities, you just keep going on your own journey & you'll be sure to succeed at whatever it is that's right for you. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says about it.

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    1. Thank you Jenn, I love that quote too.... I know that people judge because of their insecurities, isn't that sad... we all have things we have done in the past, none of us are perfect!

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  6. Hi, Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you like.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Luminita, anytime... I enjoy your blog... thank you for visiting mine:)

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  7. Omg thaaaanks! ♥
    Means a lot to me!!!

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤