I have had one very long emotional day, suffice to say it was a roller coaster; which is not the least bit fun when it's an emotional one. I woke up crying, it was ridiculous.... I had no control and no real reason why I was crying. Part of it was a fear of losing something I have that is more important to me than almost anything in my life, except for my children.
I cried on the bus to work, my bus ride is 45 minutes at the best of times. I cried at work, all day... I thought of leaving as it was that bad, I was red faced, my eyes were puffy and I could not get control over it, I cried all the way home, I wondered if I would ever be able to stop.... fast forward when I got home, put my daughter to bed after crying with her while I tucked her in, she stopped me and asked me if she could hug me and she told me she hoped I had a better day the next day and wasn't so sad.
She is nine years old tomorrow... she is one of the kindest most loving children I have ever been around, she feels my sadness and attempts to make me feel better. I could not ask for any better that my little Valentina. I also know if I had called my oldest daughter, she would have told me how wonderful I am and how much she loves me. I didn't want to bother her, she has so much on her plate with working, being married and mostly being a mama to Jackson.
Finally, I sat down and talked openly with my very best and closest friend David, I cried some more, I explained my fear fully, he told me what I already knew, it was just a fear, it wasn't a reality... I wasn't going to lose what is more important to me more than anything else. Although it would totally be up to me... if I kept up with the fear, I could make it happen. He said if I continued to think like that that I was basically giving permission for this to happen and that it was okay. It's not okay and I need to change that.
This whole thing brought up all my abandonment issues; I wasn't raised by my mother, I had NO contact with her for 9 long years.... I never felt safe in that 9 years and because I felt so abandoned and because in those 9 years my mother never tried to reach out to us (my sisters and me). I know that was a different era then, there was no easy way to stay in contact like there is today with social media. I am going to say one thing here and then I am going to leave that fear behind me, if I was separated from my child for any reason: I would do anything and everything possible to have contact. I would never give up, I would do anything to make my children know they were loved.
I never felt loved and because I never felt that, it's all I ever wanted... and because I never dealt with the abandonment issues, I chose men that would leave me and if they didn't leave me, I ended up pushing them out... mostly I chose men that left me (abandoned me) so I could say... see, I'm not lovable!! How could I be lovable, my own mother had no contact with me for 9 year, my own father turned a blind eye to the abuse my step mother heaped on my sisters and me. I had no basis for feeling lovable and I thought I had healed all that.
I was wrong, I do hear exactly what my closest friend David said to me, if I continue to think I will lose what is most important to me, I will lose it by pushing it away... what am I going to do to change that? I am going to continue to talk and be open, I am going to say exactly how I feel, I am not going to cover things up with it's okay, I'm okay. I want to have real love in my life and I can have it, I just have to believe. I'm seeing where I need to change and be open, open to love.
I almost gave up today, gave up... so I could say see... I was right I am not lovable. How sad is that? All I can say is I am so grateful for my best and closest friend David, he won't let me believe my stories, he constantly makes me think.... really think. The truth is I am lovable, I am lovable, I am lovable... I won't forget this. I will tell myself this daily.