I follow a wonderful blog 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp. It seems that he always writes what I need to hear. Last night I wrote about how I feared the next step in my life as it means opening myself up to everyone and possibly being ridiculed and judged. Mastin's blog today was, 'Could the darkest moments in our lives be a huge gift?' Being raped by Andrey was a dark moment but it wasn't my darkest moments. The darkest moments were how I dealt with the rape. I went inward, I did a lot of things that most people wouldn't understand, people would judge me.
Unless you have been raped or demeaned for many years as I was, you could never understand how much a woman hates herself, thinking that she must have done something to deserve it. It's not true though, I didn't do anything to deserve it, I had only allowed myself to believe I was not enough. When a person hates their selves they do anything and everything to feel better inside, at least that's what we think we are doing. Instead we are doing things that hurt us more and make us feel even more unworthy. We come to a point of not caring and just getting in deeper.
It's not until you find something or someone in your life that shows you the truth you've tried so hard to find. My truth came when David came back into my life and he told me often that I was incredibly wonderful. Even when he knew everything I've done to 'try' to make it better. Instead of judging me and turning away, he understood why I did what I did. He didn't say it was right but he didn't judge, he just loved me and reminded me often that I'm not my past, I'm better than that. He's right, once I saw that, I changed my life around by a full 180 degrees and I did it quickly.
David would and has said to me many times that he didn't do anything to get me to where I am today. He's wrong though I needed him to show me the way, although I had many people in my life attempting to show this to me, it was not until he came along that I really believed.
My darkest moments of how I dealt with the rape is actually my greatest gift. I know that I must write of what I did in the future so that it can help other women who are feeling what I've felt. I hope and pray I'm strong enough. I am so blessed in my life and I'm incredibly grateful for all the lessons I've learned, even the dark ones. Without these lessons I could not be as empathetic or compassionate as I am. I have learned not to judge other people because of what I've gone through.
It's sad that I had to learn the lesson the hard way but I did learn it and I pray other people will learn an easier way, maybe from hearing my story. We are beautiful, strong and loving people; we deserve the best and we should never judge people on their pasts. We should only see their divine potential and help them find it in themselves.