I Am Lovable



I have had one very long emotional day, suffice to say it was a roller coaster; which is not the least bit fun when it's an emotional one.  I woke up crying, it was ridiculous....  I had no control and no real reason why I was crying.  Part of it was a fear of losing something I have that is more important to me than almost anything in my life, except for my children.

I cried on the bus to work, my bus ride is 45 minutes at the best of times.  I cried at work, all day... I thought of leaving as it was that bad, I was red faced, my eyes were puffy and I could not get control over it, I cried all the way home, I wondered if I would ever be able to stop.... fast forward when I got home, put my daughter to bed after crying with her while I tucked her in, she stopped me and asked me if she could hug me and she told me she hoped I had a better day the next day and wasn't so sad.

She is nine years old tomorrow... she is one of the kindest most loving children I have ever been around, she feels my sadness and attempts to make me feel better.  I could not ask for any better that my little Valentina.  I also know if I had called my oldest daughter, she would have told me how wonderful I am and how much she loves me.  I didn't want to bother her, she has so much on her plate with working, being married and mostly being a mama to Jackson.

Finally, I sat down and talked openly with my very best and closest friend David, I cried some more, I explained my fear fully, he told me what I already knew, it was just a fear, it wasn't a reality... I wasn't going to lose what is more important to me more than anything else.  Although it would totally be up to me... if I kept up with the fear, I could make it happen.  He said if I continued to think like that that I was basically giving permission for this to happen and that it was okay.  It's not okay and I need to change that.

This whole thing brought up all my abandonment issues; I wasn't raised by my mother, I had NO contact with her for 9 long years.... I never felt safe in that 9 years and because I felt so abandoned and because in those 9 years my mother never tried to reach out to us (my sisters and me).  I know that was a different era then, there was no easy way to stay in contact like there is today with social media.  I am going to say one thing here and then I am going to leave that fear behind me, if I was separated from my child for any reason:  I would do anything and everything possible to have contact.  I would never give up, I would do anything to make my children know they were loved.

I never felt loved and because I never felt that, it's all I ever wanted... and because I never dealt with the abandonment issues, I chose men that would leave me and if they didn't leave me, I ended up pushing them out... mostly I chose men that left me (abandoned me) so I could say... see, I'm not lovable!!  How could I be lovable, my own mother had no contact with me for 9 year, my own father turned a blind eye to the abuse my step mother heaped on my sisters and me.  I had no basis for feeling lovable and I thought I had healed all that.

I was wrong, I do hear exactly what my closest friend David said to me, if I continue to think I will lose what is most important to me, I will lose it by pushing it away...  what am I going to do to change that?  I am going to continue to talk and be open, I am going to say exactly how I feel, I am not going to cover things up with it's okay, I'm okay.  I want to have real love in my life and I can have it, I just have to believe.  I'm seeing where I need to change and be open, open to love.

I almost gave up today, gave up... so I could say see... I was right I am not lovable.  How sad is that?  All I can say is I am so grateful for my best and closest friend David, he won't let me believe my stories, he constantly makes me think.... really think.  The truth is I am lovable, I am lovable, I am lovable... I won't forget this. I will tell myself this daily.







8 comments :

  1. Hi dear Launna,

    Firstly, you are very, very lovable indeed.
    Second, please forgive me for my "lack of action" lately, I keep traveling for the past 2 weeks and it's quite hard to keep up with you guys :)
    And finally, here's a little sign of appreciation @ http://theseamanmom.blogspot.com/2012/05/inspirational-blog-award.html

    Love and hugs
    Petro

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Petro, I really adore you... I appreciate how you try to keep up with me as well as you do:)

      Delete
  2. You're lovable, don't forget this! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Big hug, and you are so prave... Im glad that you deal it now, not easy.. You are lovable! And full of life.. Without those emotion..well, you are not you. And you are that great human with great thougs :)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awe Maarit, thank you so much.... I love your blogs, you have such great insight. Thank you for all the wonderful comments :)

      Delete
  4. Look at these fantastic people who love you. They know you and they love you. That says everything. We all have 'blue' days. When we feel totally unlovable. But they pass and the sun comes out again. And remember, there is one, the greatest of all, who loves you more than you will ever know! You are amazing! Thank you for being my blog buddy! Looking forward to many more years of blogging and getting to know you better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awe, thank you Diane... I am learning to love myself daily, for if I am unable to love myself, I will not be able to give of myself to anyone else !!

      Delete

I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤