I have used numerous things in life to stop myself from feeling pain, sadness, loneliness. Not one of them have worked, working through my feelings is the only thing I can do. I see why I have tried to cover them, it is downright difficult to feel them. I know it is better that I do but wow, some feelings are overpowering.
Since I have changed how I dealt with my emotions in the past month, I have no where to hide, I have to cope with my real feelings. Last night I slipped up and ate more than I should have. I knew instantly why I was doing it, so I talked to my very best friend David. I ended up crying myself to sleep and then I woke up crying.
I told my best friend that I have felt like I was alone and that I had no one to confide in except for him and he is far away from me right now. Not far away emotionally but by distance. I know I always have him to talk to no matter what. I've never been so close to anyone in my life and I am beyond feeling gratitude for that. I know if I didn't have him right now, I'm sure I would probably not even be able to get out of bed.
I get up each day, smile, go to work, laugh. Come home, work on myself through seminars and reading. Sleep, then do it all over again. I guess I have been filling my days to capacity with whatever I can do, so that I don't have to deal with the sadness I feel. Only thing about that is if I continue on that way, something always comes along that shows me, I'm not hiding it too well.
In the past 8 hours, I have felt alone, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed.... I don't like feeling this way, I feel like I have no control over how I am reacting. Even though my closest friend in the world is far away in miles, I know I have him there at anytime to tell him what I am going through, I could never be thankful enough for that. I shudder to think where I would be if he had not showed up in my life when he did.
Part of what I am feeling is that my very best friend in the world wants only the best for me, he doesn't want me to settle for less than the best. Yet I feel like he is settling for less than what he deserves. I don't know why he feels that I deserve the best in my life but he doesn't. That makes me sad, very sad. He has helped me to see that I am just as wonderful and amazing as he has told me all along. I wish he would understand that he is one of the most kind and amazing human beings I have ever known.
I think it is funny how people have such wonderful insight into other peoples lives yet they cannot apply it to their own lives. Oh well, all I can do is be the best me, I cannot make other people understand why they settle, I can only figure out why I have settled and change that behavior so that I never settle again. Maybe that is what I have to do, live my best life.... let him and other people see how wonderful and fantastic it is, so they will want that too.