What am I looking for?
I am looking to love myself so that I can give love to others.
How do I plan to get it?
I plan to study good books, have positive and uplifting people in my life and to continually strive to be as happy as is humanly possible.
What do I hope to feel from it?
I hope to feel that I have helped other people to find their happiness potential, this will fulfill me.
I know when I helped a very sweet friend of mine when they were in need. I did it because they needed to know someone cared about them. I didn't nor do I care about the money aspect. I did it because I felt prompted and I don't regret helping them at all. I feel grateful that I could help them. I would do it again with no questions asked. I want to be like this in all aspects of my life, I want to follow the promptings I have.
That is not always easy, so many excuses get in the way, like... I don't have the money, I don't have the time, there is someone else who can do it better, etc... Whatever the excuse, they are just excuses. If I am to live up to my potential and I want to, I need to follow the promptings that are given to me and not come up with excuse after excuse.
Yesterday I received an email from one of my uplifting blogs, it questioned if I needed a happiness boost? I kind of smiled, I always think I can improve but it made me laugh too as people at work already think I am or act too happy as it is. Really, someone can act too happy?? I'm like this nearly everyday of my life, I smile and laugh constantly. Why is that so odd to people? Why aren't they happy for me? I guess it isn't for me to understand why people wouldn't want another human being to be so happy.
I guess I see things differently, I like being happy, I like to smile, I like to be as positive as I possibly can be. Does this mean I can't be sad sometimes?? No, I am human after all but I no longer wallow in it as if I'm a victim. I'm not a victim, yes I've had terrible life changing experiences but those things don't define who I am. Just like people do not define my happiness, I was happy before them and I will be happy without them in the future. I have learned a great deal about myself in the last month.
First, I am stronger than I thought I was, I can rely on myself. I found this out when David had an intense course and I was unable to talk to him as much as I have. Was that difficult, yes... it was very hard. He's the person I can go to when I need to feel safe and when I need to have someone be real yet understanding. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear, he tells me what I need to hear but without an ounce of judgement.
Second, I am more than capable of changing my thought process. The way I felt before was that it was all too much, how could I get passed the way I had been living.... just change and forgive myself. I am a good person who did not always make great choices, that doesn't make me a bad person. I am now making better choices, all of this in four weeks.
Third, I decided that I deserved to invest in myself... what does that mean, it means I am worth the time to figure out my purpose and do all that I can to live it.
There are many lessons that I have learned and will continue to learn, life is journey of lessons. It depends on if we want to learn them and move on, or stagnate and continue the lesson over and over. I have a done a lot of the latter, it isn't fun having to repeat the same thing over and over until I finally go oh... that was what I was supposed to learn. It is awesome when I finally get it though and instead of saying why did I take so long? I say I got it now.