I stopped numbing myself in numerous ways... I made the choice, I took the chance and I found that I could change. I wasn't sure it was possible... it was and it actually feels amazing.
The most difficult choice that I have to make is ahead of me and it is the most scary one. Does that mean if make that decision, that I will be able to say someday that it was the best decision I made? Or will I look back and always wonder if I made the wrong choice?
This is not a simple choice, it isn't as easy as saying a clear cut yes or no... I wish it was... it would be so much simpler. There is no right answer, each choice looks painful. If I stay on the way that I am, I am pretty sure it will keep me from growing and finding what I need. But if I choose the other way, I will be so broken hearted that I am not sure I will be able to handle the pain. It will be like cutting out my heart... I am terrible at making decisions; hence why I let everyone else make them for me.
Here's the crazy thing, when other people make my decisions for me, I get indignant and say who do they think they are telling me what to do? Really... I'm an adult. Am I? Am I really an adult? I might be an adult in age but I am just like a teenager inside, I want what I want and I don't want anyone telling me otherwise. Then when it all blows up in my face as it inevitably does, I blame other people. Really? I am not acting like an adult there... I have to own up to my decisions and live with the consequences. As painful as they might be.
I keep thinking I will make this choice when I am ready, the truth is are we ever really ready to make a change? We can either make it ourselves or it will be made for us. I believe that we are all here for a purpose, each one of us has a path that we need to be on so that we can arrive at that purpose and it doesn't stop there. Once we know what our purpose is, we then need to keep progressing, there is never a time that you can say, that's it, I'm here...
On a good note, I am taking a four week class to figure out why I do some of the things I do... one session has been quite the eye opener. I am pretty sure I am going to have to face my worse fear, I guess I will be ready to handle it either way, otherwise I wouldn't have signed up for it. This is not a fluff course, this is a wake up call, maybe that is why I decided to take it... I keep proving to myself that I am stronger than I think, I don't just survive, I thrive and grow immensely from each challenge.
Well, only time will tell... I know I will make a choice one way or the other... I just hope when I make it that I don't look back and say what if...