“Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone. The Truth Is, You Knew Exactly What You Had; You Just Thought You’d Never Lose It.”
A day later and it's not all better, did I really think it would be? Of course it doesn't help that I may have slept for 3 hours if I was lucky. When your world is falling apart around you, the last thing you can do is sleep; not until I'm so exhausted I finally pass out. That sweet sleep comes so that I don't have to think.
What happens instead, I dream... I can't get release even in my sleep. My mind has no way to rest and now my heart gets into it and without sleep, I'm way more emotional than usual. My heart and I are apologizing to each other, me for telling it. it was okay to come out and love and my heart for jumping at the chance when it knew much better. We are both in pain, I can't blame my heart, I caged her up for 23 years, never giving her a chance. So when she took her chance I couldn't blame her. She just wanted what I wanted, to be loved and needed.
I could sit here for the rest of my life and analyze this situation every which way that is possible and it still won't change anything... my life will still be the same and I still won't have answers. I have been in pain before... pain that I thought was unbearable, I couldn't have been more wrong. Today I felt a wave of pain crash over me that I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it. I thought I had really felt the depth of pain but there is always more to bear. More given to us to challenge us, help us grow... appreciate the happy times.
I sure hope those happy times come back quickly, I can't be sad forever right? It's been almost 10 years since a very good friend of mine died in a car crash, August 3rd is the anniversary. 10 years since I have been able to talk to her, she was a great sounding board... we really got along well. What I am going through now is almost like the loss of a best friend.
I crave sleep, real sleep, not the dreaming kind. I would prefer to dream of nothing important right now. I desperately need to sleep so I can get some focus back. I know that my emotions are right on the surface due to my lack of it, if I could just relax long enough to fall asleep, it would help if I could stop thinking so deeply. Here's hoping and praying for some much needed and desired sleep tonight.
"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."