I'm wondering if I learned a lesson too late. I'm in this odd state right now, my belly is doing flip flops and I can't get it to settle down. I feel like I have lost a best friend through death and I haven't. But you know that feeling? Realizing you can't say what you want to them anymore and feeling at a loss to how you fill their void.
It's a huge void, they filled up much of your day, you talked to them about your day, good and bad. You used to wait excitedly to talk to them and now it's gone. This isn't a death though, it's almost worse then a death. Having someone who you just want to change the past with so you can get your life back to some normalcy.
I miss my best friend, I miss being able to tell him about my day, telling him about my accomplishments. I never in my life thought I would ever think, let alone say and definitely never write. But never say never... It's not that I regret my romantic time with David because I don't. I just wish... we hadn't got involved emotionally.
Why do I say this? I may have lost my best friend and that is so much worse. I have been having such a difficult time this past couple of weeks when I've had so much to tell him and I haven't been able to. That's what got me thinking, my sister asked me last night if it wasn't better that the fantasy was gone? I said no, I would rather that the fantasy never happened if it meant losing my best friend.
I was living with the fantasy for 33 years, I could have lived with that for the rest of my life but a friend, a best friend is so hard to come by. I have some amazing friends but only one that I can be myself with.
I just needed to say this, it's been inside me for days and I finally breathed normally. My tummy seems to be settling down, maybe I can sleep tonight, just maybe...
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield